


A New Reality

by purple_dolphin



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-30
Updated: 2012-08-31
Packaged: 2017-11-13 04:43:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 73,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/499608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purple_dolphin/pseuds/purple_dolphin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the battle of Hogwarts Severus Snape survives through Muggle and Magical means. When he wakes he discovers that he had a dream while he was asleep, a dream of a life that he wants now that he's free of both masters. Hermione Granger is one of only six people that knows Severus survives, she helps care for him. On his road to recovery they become friends, then more. Until Severus makes a decision that may not get him what he wants in the end. EWE, OOC somewhat.</p>
<p>Sequel to Never, a story I wrote last fall, though I don't think you need to absolutely read that one to understand this one. But if your interested the unbeta'ed version is here: <a href="http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7431864/1/Never%20">Never</a>  And the beta'ed version is currently being posted: <a href="http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8422107/1/Far-Away%20%20">Far Away</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to thank; ms_nimue, Emory Lee, and pigwidgeon37 on LiveJournal and expectosemprapatronum, Who all worked on the betaing of this fic. I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time.
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Severus slowly opened his eyes again to look up into a pair of honey brown eyes watching him anxiously. He glanced down to where his hand was wrapped around her wrist, then he looked back up at her.

 

She gave him a small smile. "I think you're going to be okay."

 

His throat felt as if it was on fire, but he had to tell her.

 

"Don't…" he swallowed.

 

"Don't try to talk." She smoothed his hair out of his face with a shaking hand.

 

He shook his head. "Don't… don't abandon…me… Hermione."

He saw the look of shock that crossed her face before it softened into a caring gaze as she laid her other hand on top of his.

 

"I never would."

 

"Be…here… when I wake."

 

"Yes, I'll be right here." She smiled at him, brushing his hair back from his eyes. "Rest, I'll be right here."

 

Once his eyes were closed, she knew she needed to get him medical help quickly; his breathing was labored and she was sure the injuries were making his throat swell. She had found antivenom on him, she just hoped that it had been enough remembering Arthur's recovery when he had been bitten by Nagini a few years ago. She had done what she could with the lacerations from Voldemort's cutting spell and where his throat was punctured by Nagini.

 

She raised her hand to wipe her forehead. When she saw the amount of blood on it, and on the floor for that matter, she knew that the blood replenishing potion she gave him was not enough. She tried to remember how much blood the human body could lose without dying, but the fact was escaping her at the moment.

 

She finally stood, casting _Mobilicorpus_ to levitate him to the castle. She took him through a side entrance to an abandoned classroom. She laid him on a table, then turned to go find Madam Pomfrey. As she closed the door, Hermione wondered why she was going to so much trouble for the man who had killed Dumbledore. But something in the way he looked at her when he woke briefly made her want to help him.

 

There was also the fact that she had always thought there was more to that night than what Harry had said; something about it had never made sense to her. If Professor Snape had always been a loyal Death Eater, then why didn't he kill her when he had the chance? She was the supposed brains of the group. If he truly believed the propaganda that Voldemort spouted, then she was nothing more than a Mudblood.

 

Hermione found Madam Pomfrey attending to students outside the entrance to the Great Hall.

 

"Madam Pomfrey! There is someone I need you to check on."

 

"Who dear?" the matron asked.

 

"I don’t want to say here, just hurry! I don't think they have much time."

 

"Hermione, I have people here who need my help. Unless you tell me who you are talking about I am not leaving them."

 

Hermione knew telling her would more than likely sign Severus Snape's death warrant. She aimed her wand at the mediwitch.

 

"I need you to come with me now, someone's life hangs in the balance."

 

"What are you doing Miss. Granger? Who is it that's so important?" Madam Pomfrey asked, taking a step back.

 

"You will see. Come with me, please."

 

"Fine," the mediwitch said, upset that she was being called from those who needed her and at wand point also.

 

Hermione guided the matron back to the classroom, and closed the door, locking it.

 

"He killed Albus," Pomfrey said with a choked voice. "Why would I help him?" The mediwitch took in the blood covering the front of Snape's clothes and Miss. Granger. She approached the table; there was so much blood she was sure he had bled out already.

 

"Because it's your duty as a healer, and for some reason Voldemort did that to him! Now please, I don't know if what I did was enough."

 

"Hermione…" she started in a pleading voice.

 

"Just help him. If it makes you feel better, think of it this way: if he dies he will not be able to stand trial for what he did to the Headmaster."

 

Poppy pulled the collar of Snape's shirt aside and gasped.  His throat was lacerated and punctured in several places; the punctures looked like bite marks.

 

Hermione knew it was worse than she thought when she heard the mediwitch gasp. She watched her  wave her wand in an intricate pattern over Snape, performing an elaborate diagnostic spell.

 

"I don't know if I can do anything for him,” Pomfrey finally admitted. “What happened?"

 

"Harry  realized that Voldemort had called Professor Snape to the boat house.  We hid outside as they spoke  and then we heard Voldemort cast _Sectumsempra_ on Snape before ordering Nagini to kill him. After Voldemort and Nagini left, I closed the wounds from the hex and  used an anti venom Snape had hidden in his robes.   It slowed the bleeding and did heal the bites some."

 

"Hermione, I think he is beyond anything I am able to do...”  Hermione looked crestfallen, she had already seen too many people die, and though she couldn’t explain it she didn’t want to see another person die, even Professor Snape. "But there is a Muggle doctor here--."

 

"Who is he? I'll go find him." Hermione started towards the door.

 

"Dr. Bryce, he felt as if he needed to help. He says his daughter being a witch saved her life. I will send my Patronus to fetch him.”

 

Before Hermione could answer, the mediwitch drew her wand.  When a nightingale came forth she said,"Find Doctor Bryce, he needs to come alone."

 

 

Once the Patronus was gone, Hermione turned to look out the window, wondering what Harry had found from the memories that Professor Snape had given him. Was it a way to end this once and for all? She hoped so, or all of this would have been for nothing.

 

"Oh Severus, you've really done it this time."

 

The sound of Madam Pomfrey speaking brought Hermione out of her musings. She watched the older witch smooth back the professor's hair, a look of such tender compassion on her face. Hermione  returned to the table and gently touched Poppy's shoulder.

 

"He was always getting hurt, his whole time here,  always in the hospital wing for something or another. Every time I've been able to fix him, but this..."

 

"I'm sorry I forced you to come, I just didn't know how else to get him the help he needed."

 

"I know, dear, it's just that I'm so angry with him. How could he kill Albus, then dare take the Headmaster's position?"

 

"I'm sure it was what Voldemort wanted, but there might be things we don't know."

 

"I'm sure there are," Poppy said as the door opened, admitting a middle aged man with dark hair graying at the temples and striking blue eyes.

 

"What have you got?"

 

Poppy explained as Dr. Bryce examined the professor.

 

"I don't see how he is able to get enough air, his throat is swollen and punctured in several places. I'm going to do a tracheotomy, it should--"

 

"A what?" Poppy asked.

 

"He's going to put a tube below where his throat is  damaged so he can breathe better," Hermione answered automatically.

 

The doctor looked up at her. "Muggle-born?"

 

"Yes," Hermione said, nodding.

 

"Do you have any first aid or medical training?"

 

"Some, my parents are --were-- oral and maxillofacial surgeons." She honestly didn’t know if they still were or not since she _Obliviated_ them and sent them away.

 

 

"Can you prep?"

 

"Yes. Do you have gloves?"

 

He handed her a pair of gloves before passing her the items she needed.

 

Hermione pulled the professor's shirt further apart, ripping the buttons off. She  applied the alcohol, and then the iodine, to a big area above where the clavicle bones met the manubrium bone.

 

 Dr. Bryce closed his eyes for a moment,  then handed her the instruments that he would need her to hand back to him.  At her questioning look, he said, "Never hurts to pray that all goes well."

 

Hermione watched as the man made the incisions, then placed the tube. She hadn't realized how bad Snape's breathing was until the tube was in and the wheezing stopped.

 

"Well, that sounds better, but I think it's all I'm able to do for him for now."

 

"I just hope the anti-venom was enough," Poppy said. "Severus had time to work on it; Nagini attacked Arthur a few years ago and he came out fine." I hate to do it, but I think it would be best to leave him here for now. I just don't want to leave him alone, and I don't trust anyone else to not say something." She raised a questioning eyebrow at Hermione.

 

"I have to get back to help Harry," Hermione said.

 

"Can you make some of those hospital curtains here?" Dr. Bryce asked.

 

"Yes," Madam Pomfery replied as she took her wand out of her apron pocket.  With a quick flick, she transfigured a nearby chair into a set of infirmary screens.

 

"We'll move the table to the corner and hide him behind the screens. If anyone else needs me, you have them brought here."

 

********

 

Three hours later it was over.  Voldemort was dead, Harry was alive and Hermione was shivering in shock, tears rolling down her face.  Bellatrix had killed Ron.  Ron was gone, and no matter how much she wanted it, he wasn't going to suddenly come running up behind them, slap Harry on the shoulder and tug a lock of her hair for leaving him behind.  Ron was gone, Ron was dead and she really didn't know what to do.

 

Harry tugged her closer to his side, stumbling a little in his own shock as they walked through the school to the Great Hall

 

"Oh my God, Snape's  memories!”  Harry jerked to a stop. “Snape didn't kill Professor Dumbledore.... well he did, but under orders, and we just left him there. Hermione, we need to go get his body before they take it. I don't even want to think what they will do to him, knowing that he was a traitor to them." Harry grabbed Hermione's hand and started pulling her towards the boat house.

 

"Harry, slow down, come with me first."

 

"Hermione, you don't--"

 

"Just come with me, you'll see."

 

She tugged on Harry's hand until he followed her to the room where she had left the doctor and Professor Snape. As she opened the door the doctor looked up, nodding at her as they entered. She took Harry to the other side of the room, pulling him behind the curtain. When Harry saw Professor Snape's prone body, he stopped fighting her.

 

"How?" Harry asked, shock evident in his voice.

 

"I just… Harry, after that attack I couldn't just do nothing."

 

"You are brilliant, Hermione," Harry said, putting an arm around her shoulders and kissing the side of her head.

 

"It wasn't me; the doctor is the real hero in this."

 

As if he heard, Dr. Bryce came around the curtain.

 

"Well I suppose a thank you is in order, Mr. Potter. You really have made this world safe for everyone like my daughter."

 

Harry blushed, not knowing what to say, so he only nodded. “Is he going to be okay?"

 

"It's too soon to know. He seems to have a strong heart. It's not weak as I would expect, though I'm not truly happy with his respiration. Poppy said that his magic is good and it would seem the bleeding has stopped."

 

"He's alive, that is more than I expected," Harry said.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; ms_nimue, Emory Lee, and pigwidgeon37 on LiveJournal and expectosemprapatronum, Who all worked on the betaing of this fic. I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time.
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.
> 
> According to Wikipedia Propofol is a drug used to induce a coma like state.

Madam Pomfrey walked into the room and headed straight to the bed, taking out her wand to check on Snape.  "Everyone's been moved. Severus is the only one left here. I've asked Minerva to join us to decide what to do."

Puzzled, Harry asked, "What do you mean?"

"Mr. Potter, we cannot overlook the fact that Severus killed Albus," Poppy said as she finished her examination and put her wand back in her pocket.

"But the Headmaster ordered him to do it," Harry said, shocked that anyone thought the man lying in that bed was anything but a hero. It didn’t matter at the moment that he was the only one that had seen the memories.

"Why would Albus do that?" Poppy  shook her head in disbelief.

"Because he was in lo--" Harry cut himself off  when he heard Professor McGonagall  enter the room.

Poppy left the curtained off area and they could hear McGonagall and Poppy talking, their words harsh but too low to hear. Moments later the older witches came back around the curtain and Harry moved between Professor Snape and a very irate Professor McGonagall, whose wand had been drawn and pointed at the man in the bed. "Mr. Potter, get out of my way." .

"No." Harry stood his ground. "There are things that you don’t know."

"You do realize that he killed--"

"Yes, but there are things that none of us knew," Harry interrupted her. "Anyway, it's not like he's going anywhere, so let's sit and I'll tell you what I know. Please, Professor."

"Very well, Mr. Potter." The older witch said, turning on her heel and leading them out of the room.  Dr. Bryce stayed with Snape to keep an eye on him.

Once they were sitting around a table in the abandoned classroom on the first floor, Harry spoke without preamble.

 "The Headmaster ordered Snape to kill him."

"Why in the name of Merlin would Albus do that? And how do you know this?" Minerva asked  skeptically.

"Professor Snape gave me some of his memories to look at--" Harry started,  but Minerva interrupted him.

"Mr. Potter, you know as well as anyone that memories can be tampered with."

"Not when they came straight from his head as he was dying, or at least when we thought he was dying," Harry said in exasperation.

"Very well. What were they?"

Harry spent the next twenty minutes explaining two unbreakable vows, cursed rings, and how Professor Snape didn’t want to kill the Headmaster. The only part he left out was the reason why Snape did such a thing. If the man survived, Harry was sure that he wouldn’t want that part of his life spread around. Severus Snape is a very private man.

"Why did Severus make that vow with the Headmaster in the first place?" Poppy asked.

"It's not my place to say," Harry said.

"Poppy," Minerva spoke up, "you remember when Severus was in school, who his friends were."

"Yes, but what... Oh, I suppose that does make sense."

Hermione felt as if she was missing something, but at the moment really didn’t care. She had been surprised by Harry's story and it made several things fall into place for her. After all the grief that the boys had given her when she told them something didn’t sit right about the night the Headmaster was killed, she wanted to tell Harry 'I told you so', no matter how childish it was.

"I don’t think we should tell anyone he's alive, let them think rogue Death Eaters took his body," Minerva said, knowing that she had been wrong and that Severus had given the last twenty years of his life to bring this day about. If it was in her power, she would give him the next twenty in peace to make it up to him. "But, I think there is one other person we should tell."

"Who?" Hermione asked, thinking that just the few here might be too many.

"Kingsley. We might need someone high up in the ministry to protect Severus."

"I agree," Harry said.

"Then I shall  find Mr. Kingsley and attend to the matter." Standing the older witch turned to leave the room.

"Professor," Hermione said to gain the older witch's attention. When Minerva turned Hermione said, "Thank you."

"You're welcome, dear, and I'm no longer your professor. You both can call me Minerva."

*******

The next day, Hermione walked back to the castle with Harry, returning from Ron's funeral. Neither had said much since leaving the Burrow; they really didn’t need to say much, simply finding comfort in each others presence.

Hermione didn’t think she'd get ever get used to wizard funerals. Harry took her hand, making her turn to look at him.

"I don’t know if I'll ever get used to funeral pyres." He looked disturbed, which she could understand after seeing them set fire to Ron's body.

"I don’t know if I will, either," she said, squeezing his hand. She no plans to attend another funeral in the near future. They were having a memorial service in a few weeks and she had decided that she would use that time to pay her respects to those she wanted to.

Doctor Bryce, who insisted they call him Richard, was waiting for their return by Snape's bedside. He had told them last night that he didn’t see the professor regaining consciousness for some time. Of course, Hermione had to attend Ron's funeral, but it still didn’t stop her from feeling guilty about going after she promised that she wouldn’t leave Professor Snape.

"Hermione, Harry," the doctor greeted them.

"Richard," they both said, then smiled at one another.

"He's still out, but I am starting to become concerned about his respiration. I would like to put him on a ventilator."

"So,” Harry asked, “why don’t you?"

"Harry, they need electricity to run," Hermione said.

At that moment, Minerva came into the room frowning with worry.  She had also attended Ron's funeral but had stayed longer to console Molly. 

"Professor?" Harry asked.

"I am still unable to wake Albus' portrait. I really don’t want to intrude on Severus's trust but if we cannot get the portrait to answer questions..."

"It's just that some of what he showed me is private. I don’t want the whole wizarding world to know about it, though I do think that Dumbledore has some things to answer for." Harry turned to Hermione."What about Grimmauld Place?"

"Still too many magical items that give off conflicting energy."

"I know you feel that way, Mr. Potter, but we... It may not matter; you said that he did kill Albus. Orders or not, he committed the act," Minerva said, looking at the man lying motionless. She had known him for almost thirty years, but she was starting to understand that she really didn’t know him at all.

"I know, I just don’t think that he should spend the rest of his life in Azkaban for acting on an order," Harry said as he paced at the foot of Snape's bed.

"I know." Minerva sounded very weary. "I don’t think he should either."

Hermione had not really been listening to them, she was trying to think of how they could get Professor Snape where he needed to be.

"Harry, my parents' house. The electronics still worked with the magic there, and if we can limit the number of magical people who are there at one time, it shouldn’t be a problem."

Harry stopped, then smiled. 

"That's brilliant, Hermione."

Hermione turned to Richard, who said, "I'll have to see about getting the ventilator and the rest of the supplies we'll need."

"I'm going to go back to my office. When you get everything you need ready, I'll come and help you move him," Minerva said, leaving them.

"Harry, go to my house. You know where the den is?" At his nod she continued, "Take the computer into the living room, then shrink all the furniture except the armchairs and move them to the basement. Doctor, do you think a hospital bed would be better?"

"Yes."

"In the basement, Harry, is an old hospital bed that came from my parents' practice; bring it up to the den. The rest we will figure out when we need it."

Harry left soon after; Richard told Poppy what they were doing when she came in a little later.

Hermione sat at Professor Snape's bedside, telling him of their plans; she just hoped that this was all worth it. She found that she wanted him to live, and she hoped that if he did, he would appreciate the second chance they were working so hard to give him.

Minerva eventually returned; she stood for a few moments watching as Hermione held  Severus's hand. She wondered again what had transpired in the boat house. Whatever it was, it changed the dynamic between her student and the Potions Master.

"Albus still refuses to wake," she finally said.

"That would figure. First he creates all of this mess, then leaves us to clean it up." Hermione held no illusions about the former Headmaster any longer. "He played us all like pawns on a chessboard, manipulating the Order as the Dark Lord manipulated his followers."

 "I agree. I get the feeling that Albus didn’t think Severus would survive, and that is his reason for pretending to be asleep."

"Why that old..." Hermione had a lot of things that she wanted to call that old man at the moment, but with her Head of House sitting across from her, she didn’t want to disrespect him.

"The more I find out, Hermione, the more I feel the same way. I still have trouble believing that Albus ordered Severus to kill him."

"No, I believe he did order him to,” Minerva continued. “What I find unbelievable is that he would ask that of Severus. I shouldn’t though, with all that's happened."

Hermione studied the older witch; she wondered what had happened but didn’t ask. She knew the moment that Professor Snape had opened his eyes, looking at her in the boat house, that she didn’t want to know any of it unless he told her.

"Did you get everything taken care of to have Severus moved?"

"Harry is at my parents' getting things ready. Richard left with Poppy a little bit ago to get what he needed.  They'll meet us there."

"Good. Frankly it has crossed my mind to get him away from here, let the Wizarding world think him dead. It would be a fresh start for him, and I think he deserves it."

"I have thought that too, I just don’t know if he would want to go Muggle. He always seemed …. like he really belongs in this world."

"I know. We’ll see what he wants when he wakes."

Hermione thought that to be a very optimistic outlook, At the moment she wondered if the man lying on that bed would wake at all.

*******

A few hours later, Harry encountered Professor McGonagall on their way to the old classroom where Severus was being cared for and they entered together to find Hermione sitting at the bedside.

"Everything is ready," Harry said to Hermione as she stood.

Minerva conjured a gurney and moved it next to the bed."I'm going to Apparate Severus there."

"Did you take down the wards?" Hermione asked Harry as she laid the Professor's hands  on  his chest.

"Yes, but I made it look as if the house is still vacant. One of the wards was interfering with the ventilator, but the spell to black the windows didn’t."

"Good, we can Apparatedirectly into the living room," Hermione said, feeling a little more optimistic about moving back to her parents' house.

"The wards on the castle are still down, so we can go from here," Minerva informed them as she moved Professor Snape to the gurney.

Moments later they were standing in the living room of Hermione's parents' house. She followed Minerva as she directed the older woman to the study. They worked together getting Professor Snape settled on the hospital bed, then Minerva left, saying that she needed to be back at the castle, but that she would be to check on him tomorrow.

"I am going to start an IV. I want to administer Propofol to make sure he stays asleep while he's on the ventilator, and I don’t want to have to keep sticking a needle in him," Richard said as he picked up Severus' arm to look for a vein.

"What is an IV?" Poppy asked, moving to the side of the bed to have a better view of what Richard was doing.

"It's just a salt water solution that will keep him hydrated, and I only have to stick him once to give the doses of Propofol." Richard explained the proper way to set up an IV as he pushed a needle into a vein in Severus's forearm.  Hermione watched  them for a moment longer before slipping out of the study and back to the living room, where she found Harry and motioned for him to follow her to the kitchen.

Harry stood in the doorway to the kitchen, watching as Hermione gathered the necessary items for tea.

"Do you think this will work?"

"I hope it will." Hermione  put the kettle on the stove top.

Harry took a seat at the table. "What happened after we left the boat house?"

"I gave him some potions, found an anti-venom in his robes and gave him that. He woke up briefly, spoke a little, then I told him to go back to sleep." Sleep sounded like a great idea at the moment, she felt as if she hadn’t had more than eight hours of sleep for the last year.

"What did he say?" Harry asked her with a hopeful look that she had no idea what to make of.

Hermione took a deep breath, she didn’t know if she wanted Harry to know what was said or not. To her it seemed personal, almost too personal. Finally, she said, "He asked me not to abandon him."

"I wonder if he thought you were someone else," Harry said,  thinking that maybe Snape thought Hermione to be Lily.

"I don’t think so, as he called me by my given name." She poured the hot water in the mugs that she had put the tea bags in.

"Oh, I wonder why he did that." Harry almost looked dejected, but Hermione was too tired to even try to figure out why.

"I don’t know, I just know in that moment I saw someone who was vulnerable and I wanted to help him." She wasn’t going to tell Harry that she saw something in the professor's eyes that made her believe that he understood her more than anyone else ever had.

"Still, if he spent twenty years--" Harry started to say but  Hermione cut him off.

"I don’t want to hear it Harry, it's private and he only chose to share that with you."

"But I think you should know what he gave me, I trust you to keep it a secret. Not that I don’t trust everyone else to also, but I think the fewer people who know, the better it would be." Harry didn’t want to see Hermione getting hurt by Snape, but if she refused to listen he could only try again later.

"No, if he wants me to know he will tell me." Hermione couldn’t explain it if she tried, but she thought having his trust was more important, and to gain that she didn’t want to know what the other memories were unless Professor Snape wanted to tell her.

"Fine," Harry said, taking a sip of his tea; it was the third time that they had the same conversation. She wondered when he'd understand that she really didn’t want that information second hand.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; ms_nimue, Emory Lee, and pigwidgeon37 on LiveJournal and expectosemprapatronum, Who all worked on the betaing of this fic. I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time.
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Hermione felt as if all her days blended together; when she tried to sleep it was interrupted with nightmares of blood and loss. She ended up sitting with Professor Snape during the night, just so she would be exhausted enough to sleep without nightmares of the final battle the next day.

 

She sat watching Professor Snape's chest rise and fall to the demand of the ventilator; the electrical hum of the machine sounded very loud in the quiet room. Standing, she walked over to the radio on the bookshelf, turning it on in hopes of distracting herself from the constant noise.

 

She wandered back to the bed, looking at him. He had always been pale, but now his complexion was almost pallid . She did admit that it was an improvement from a few days ago when he was deathly white, however.

 

Hermione felt bothered by how still he was, this man was a powerful wizard, and to her he always seemed to be moving.  She  returned to her chair, picking up the book she had been reading aloud to him. It was a habit she had taken to since starting her late-night visits that made her feel useful, whether he was able to hear her or not.

 

 She was fed up with only being allowed to take care of some of Professor Snape's medical needs. Others Poppy wouldn’t allow her to do, and was firm on the matter. It caused them to have words last night.  
 

"I know you want to help with every aspect of Severus's care, but you are a young lady, and there are some things that you shouldn’t do," Poppy said, as she  added water to a bowl sitting on the bedside table.

 

Some of the old fashion ways of the Wizarding world drove Hermione crazy, and the look Poppy was giving her right now told her that she thought young ladies should not  provide care for a man who was not a relative. What in the world did the matron think was going to happen? Professor Snape was unconscious!

 

"Please, I spent months in a tent with two boys. If you think I haven’t seen a penis before, you are mistaken. And in my opinion, once you've seen one you've seen them all. Anyway, it's not like I'm dying to get a peek at him. But what happens when neither you nor Richard are  here and I'm the only one who can do it?" Hermione felt this was a valid point. Richard only had another week before he had to go back to the hospital, though he had told them they would be able to call on him at any time if he was needed, and he would be here when his shift was over.

 

"Mr. Potter will be here." Poppy sounded a little more controlling than Hermione liked, and it only served to make her angrier at the implication.

"So it's a double standard then.  It's okay for you and Harry to bathe him, but not me." Hermione crossed her arms over her chest. Sometimes the world she fought so hard to save seemed so behind the Muggle world she  had been raised in.

 

"There are just--"

 

Hermione cut her off.  "I'm through." She  stomped off, leaving the gaping matron looking after her.

 

Hermione knew she had been wrong in arguing with the older witch, but she was just so tired and on edge lately.  She sighed, realizing that she had finished the book she had been reading to him last night. "So, Professor Snape, what shall we read tonight?"

 

She scanned the bookshelves for something to read to him and her hand lighted on a book of her mother's. Her mother loved science fiction, she had sets of books from Doctor Who and Star Wars. She sighed as she picked up The Courtship of Princess Leia by Dave Wolverton. Taking it back to the chair, she said, "Well, Professor, it looks like we will be reading a book from Star Wars tonight, I'm sure you know the movies. Most of the Wizarding world seems to know of them. Did you know that they have books that followed the films? Whole sets of them. My mum liked them, and always said it was enjoyable to lose herself in a world of fantasy."

 

She opened the book and started reading aloud. Hours later Harry came into the room, pausing as he caught the sound of Hermione's voice. He leaned against the door frame, listening as she read."You are going to wear out your voice reading to him every night," he teased with a small grin.

 

"I just might.” She smiled softly, then sighed. “Listen, Harry, I talked to Kingsley yesterday about locating my parents. You know I don’t want to leave here, leaving you all a person short to care for him…" She had wrestled with this for over a week now, finding her parents versus staying here as she had promised to do.

 

Harry laid a hand on her shoulder, giving her a gentle squeeze. "Hermione, you do what you have to do. I understand your need to find them; we will manage for a few days without you."

 

"I know, but... I told him that I would be here when he woke up." She looked over to the dark haired man lying in bed. She felt as if she was breaking her word to him, even if he didn’t know she was. Finally, Hermione pulled herself out of her thoughts."Anyway, Kingsley is having them located, so I won’t be gone that long."

 

*******

Two days later she got word that her parents had been found. She went to sit with Professor Snape that night. Taking his hand she leaned close. "I want to make something perfectly clear to you: I am not abandoning you. I have to leave for a few days to reverse what I did to my parents, and hopefully bring them back with me. If it wasn’t so important, I wouldn’t leave. I will be back as soon as I can, I swear it."

 

Hermione stomped back into the house two weeks later, mumbling to herself about hardheaded parents, and not being able to change who she was and what she is. Harry came around the corner just in time to see her throw her bag at the wall.

 

"I take it things did not go well," Harry said with a look of concern. He knew that a mumbling Hermione was never a good sign.

 

Hermione whirled on him, "Go well? Go well? Of course they did, you'll see. They will be just behind me."

 

 Harry knew a sarcastic Hermione was never a good thing. He opened his mouth to ask what happened, but she interrupted him.

 

"I'm sorry, I'm just a little wound up. No, things did not go well. I couldn’t reverse the spell. I feel as if I've talked to every expert on mind magic in Australia. Everyone of them say that the spell was flawless, but that I used a spell that was not originally meant to be reversed. Nothing in the research I did said that the spell didn’t just lock memories away. It was also meant to have a time limit put on it. Since I didn’t do that, they don’t know how long it would be before their memories are truly forgotten. I also found out from the official that located them that mum is going to have a baby around Christmas time." The tears she had been fighting since the day she returned her parents memories started to fall.

 

The next thing she knew Harry had his arms around her, holding her. She laid her head on his shoulder, crying. The last two weeks had wiped her out emotionally, it  had been hard to be there, knowing she was the one who caused this. That maybe if she had just researched more she would have known to use a different spell. Wasn’t it her father that always told to read more about any subject until there was nothing left to read? Read until she knew everything there was to know about it.

 

When she calmed he let her go, saying, "I'm truly sorry." He looked as dismayed as she felt  about the whole situation.

 

"So am I," she said as she picked up her bag, slowly starting for the stairs.

 

"Would you like some good news?" he asked her retreating form.

 

She stopped, turning to see a small smile on his face. She wondered what that would be. Harry took her bag, setting it on the steps. He  took her hand, leading her to the unusually quiet den.  It took her a moment to realize that the ventilator was off, and it looked as if Professor Snape was breathing on his own fine.

 

"Richard said that if he does well tonight, he won’t have to go back on the machine." Hermione could hear the excitement in Harry's voice.

 

"That is good news. Do they have any idea when he will wake up?" Hermione asked, as she approached the bed. More than anything she wanted him to wake up. She wanted to know if he had truly seen her that night at the boathouse.

 

"Not yet, though Madam Pomfrey seems to think that his magic is still healing. That is what will keep him asleep for a while yet. Richard says that in about forty-eight hours the drugs will wear off, and then really there will be nothing medically keeping him asleep."

 

********

Severus first became aware when he heard voices talking, but he couldn’t make out what they were saying.  He drifted off before he really even realized he was awake.

 

He woke again to hear Potter talking; the thought made him want to sneer. He wondered briefly what Potter was doing in his room.  Darkness again.

 

The next time he woke, he heard Potter's voice again, talking about some machine and magic. He couldn’t seem to get his mind clear enough to concentrate on what was being said. But, then he heard her, his Hermione. She was talking about good news and waking up.

 

When he was aware again, he heard Poppy and Minerva talking. Of course, their words didn’t make any sense to him, and he wondered what had happened at Hogwarts. They talked like there was rebuilding going on, and it made him wonder if that was why he had trouble staying awake.

 

When he became aware of a soft voice, he smiled. It was Hermione; he knew she wasn’t talking to anyone. It sounded like she was reading, but his mind started drifting, and he couldn’t concentrate on the words so he just listened to her voice. He knew somewhere in the back of his mind that he needed to wake up, that she would be worried about him. But sleep was dragging him back under its spell again.

 

The next time he woke, he felt more alert. He opened his eyes, taking in the room around him. He had thought for a moment that he was in the hospital wing, but this room was full off bookshelves, though he didn’t think any of the books were magical. Then his eyes landed on her, she had a book open in her lap and her head was down.

 

Hermione felt as if someone was watching her; she raised her head to see Professor Snape staring at her. "Professor Snape!" She was surprised to see him awake.

 

Severus tried to move, to hold his hand out to her, but he couldn’t make his body cooperate with his desires. When he heard her say 'Professor Snape' he tried to admonish her for not calling him Severus, but no sound was forth coming. What the hell was wrong with him? It didn’t feel like a spell holding him down. He found that he could only move his head;  terrible thoughts ran through his mind and panic took over. He heard a book hit the floor as he  frantically jerked his head from side to side.

   
"Help! Richard!" Hermione yelled, knowing that Richard was asleep in the room across the hall where he had been every night since they came here. Was Professor Snape seizing?   After all that had happened, this scared her more than anything that took place in the last year. Seizures could mean brain damage.  
 

"Professor." She took his hand trying to gain his attention though touch.

 

The Doctor rushed into the room. “Hold him still.”

 

"Professor," she said again, louder, hoping to be heard. When he didn’t show any signs of hearing her, she grabbed his face between her hands, making him look at her. "Severus."

 

That got through to him.  He froze, staring a her with wide, wild eyes.

 

She gasped, the only word she knew to describe his look was frightened.

 

"Listen to me, please. You need to calm down," she pleaded with him.

 

He opened his mouth, but when nothing came out she heard his breathing increase. She had a feeling that he didn’t understand what was happening or what had happened to him. She calmed herself, hoping her voice didn’t betray how very worried she was. "Don’t try to talk right now.  You've been very sick, but things will get better.  I promise.  Just breathe."

 

In all the years as a student, then as a Death Eater, followed by being a spy, Severus had never been this terrified. It was a new feeling for him. Something was very wrong; he couldn’t move or speak. Then he felt her hands on his face and she made him look at her, and there was a moment of peace. His eyes locked onto her honey colored ones as he tried to fix on the words she was saying to him. Calm down and no talking, then she ran her fingers down his face. It was soothing and he closed his eyes, he wondered why he never allowed her this while they were married.

 

"I think it was just waking in a strange place and the lingering medical problems . It wasn’t a seizure or anything as such," Richard commented as he  looked over at Hermione

 

"You realize he is awake." She didn’t want to be snippy, but it bothered her that Richard didn’t seem to be talking to Professor Snape.

 

Richard looked down at the man lying in bed."You are quite right, I apologize Severus. I really do know better. I'm Doctor Richard Bryce, by the way."

 

Severus raised one eyebrow in question, leading Hermione to say, "You were injured. Do you remember?" She took his hand again. When he made no move to pull away from her she was surprised, but continued, "Richard was helping at Hogwarts, and he's been taking care of you along with Poppy."

 

Severus nodded, his eyes felt heavy again, but he raised the lids when Hermione asked, "Sir, would you like some water? Maybe some broth, too."

 

He looked at her, nodding, wondering why in the world she was calling him sir and Professor.

 

"I'll be right back," Hermione said, smiling at him before leaving the room.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; ms_nimue, Emory Lee, and pigwidgeon37 on LiveJournal and expectosemprapatronum, Who all worked on the betaing of this fic. I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time.
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

"I'm sure you have questions,” Dr. Bryce said gently. “I'll try to answer them the best I can. Your throat and neck were injured badly .  Do you know what a tracheotomy is?"

Severus nodded; he had been raised in the Muggle world after all.

"Well, I performed one on you-- that is why you are not able to talk right now. Your vocal cords need air to pass through them to speak; we've bypassed that for now. It's not something that will be permanent, I would say in another week or so we will be able to block the tracheotomy tube and see how you do. Do you understand so far?"

Severus narrowed his eyes as he nodded again. He had a litany of scathing remarks running through his head, but he also knew that the man was trying to be understanding, making sure he understood what was being told to him.

Richard took a seat in the chair by the bed. "The paralysis you are experiencing is from the venom, or we at least think it is. It is my belief that it will, in time, repair itself. Poppy seems to agree that, with the nerve regeneration potion she's been giving you, the damaged nerve endings will also repair themselves in time. Though I have to admit I am nowhere near close to understanding the venom of a magical snake." Richard put his elbows on the arm of the chair, lacing his fingers together.

Severus frowned in confusion.  The only snake he remember getting bit by was Nagini and that was years ago.

Dr. Bryce's expression hardened into seriousness. "You have people who really do care about you. I've learned more about what took place in the magical world in the time that I've been here treating you. Enough to know what's considered 'good' and 'bad'. You are truly a good man; let the people around you that care for you do just that."

Severus was still somewhat confused and he didn’t like it, but just then Hermione came back in with a tray.The doctor stood to go.

Severus watched as Hermione  approached the bed, she looked younger then he remembered. Her hair was longer and lighter, another detail that struck him as wrong. He wondered if his memory could even be trusted right now. The doctor paused in the doorway, watching as Hermione picked up the glass of water.

"Here we go, sir, small sips." She gave him an encouraging  smile. He took the straw in his mouth and managed a small amount. It was strange at first, but he got the hang of it quickly.

"Well, it seems you both will do fine. I'm going back to bed; I have to pick up Amber in the morning," Richard said before turning back to his room.

Once the doctor was gone, Hermione picked up another glass. "This is broth, it's a little warm."

He drank that too, though he might have liked real food he had the feeling that it wouldn’t be a good idea at the moment. He was having to concentrate on just swallowing the liquid.

"Would you like some coffee, Professor?" Hermione asked, with a look of someone who was about to do something wrong. She even looked at the doorway. "Madam Pomfrey has told us repeatedly that if you were to wake, under no circumstances were you allowed caffeine. Sometimes she can be… over bearing about certain things. Richard said he didn’t see what it would hurt when I asked him about it."

Severus smirked, he had been in Poppy's care enough to know exactly how demanding the old witch could be when it came to her patients.

"I didn’t know how you took it so I only added sugar," she told him as she placed a straw in the mug, lifting it to him.

He nodded, wondering why she didn’t remember how he took his coffee. Then there was the fact that he couldn’t even lift his damn arm to do this small thing for himself. He hated this feeling of helplessness.

Once he had a few sips of the coffee he felt his eye lids droop, and laid back further on the pillow. He wanted to stay awake but found that sleep was pulling him down.

"Its fine, sir, you go back to sleep. I'll be here if you need anything." He felt her fingers brushing back his hair, and finding the touch calming, he drifted off to sleep.

*******

Hermione sat back in the chair, curling her feet under her. This seemed to be the best news she had had in a while, after all the loss and her parents' treatment of her. Yes, today was a good day indeed.

She must have dozed because the next thing she remembered was hearing Poppy talking softly. She opened her eyes thinking that the professor was awake again, only to find that he was still sleeping.

"He woke up last night," Hermione said quietly, as she rubbed her eyes. She really did need to get more sleep than what she had been getting since the final battle. Maybe it was time to ask Poppy for some Dreamless Sleep.

"I heard, I talked to Richard before he left. Why don’t you go get some rest, Hermione, I'll get you if I need anything." She moved around the room, straightening things that really didn’t need it.

Hermione had tried to fight Poppy on some things in the beginning, but found it was just easier to let the old witch have her way. She wouldn’t be here for long today anyway. They were starting work on the hospital wing this afternoon, and she knew the matron wanted to be there.

Hermione took the tray of coffee cups, and went to the kitchen to wash dishes. Looking out the window at her mum's garden, her thoughts turned to not being able to return her parents memories. She should have researched the spell more, she knew that last year. But, with everything else that was going on, she had just accepted the one answer she had found.

The garden needed a number of things taken care of, she knew that if her mum saw it right now she would have a fit with how overgrown it was. She absently wondered how long it would be before the professor could sit in a chair. He could sit outside in the shade of that oak tree while she worked in the garden. She would get the work done, and he would get some fresh air and sunlight after being in the house for almost two months.

After the dishes, Hermione decided it was time to eat.  She sat at the table with her toast and fruit; she needed to go shopping again. Her parents had transferred some money into her account until everything was settled. She still hadn’t made up her mind if she wanted to sell the house yet, at times she did and others she wanted to keep it.

Of course, all that brought back her trip to reverse  her spell, and the looks of total shock and distrust on her parent’s faces when they realized what she had done. The coldness that followed, and the words of how they didn’t know her any more. Their refusal to understand just how bad the Death Eaters were, and how they could easily be killed to get to her was the breaking point for her. She walked away, hearing her father’s last words of how she could be replaced.

She stood, going to the sink to wash her plate. It didn’t do to dwell on it, they were safe, and that would have to be enough. She turned on the radio and started cleaning the kitchen.

*******

By the time she was half way finished in the sitting room, Hermione was in a slightly better mood.  She even managed a smile when Poppy bustled in.

"I'm going, dear,” Poppy said. “I exercised his legs this morning."

"Okay, I'll take care of the rest."

On Richard's advice, they exercised Severus' arms and legs every day so the muscles wouldn’t atrophy.

"See you tomorrow afternoon," Poppy said before Disapparating **.**

"Sure," Hermione said, before putting the papers in her hands back on the low table in front of the sofa and heading up stairs to take a quick shower.

*******

Severus woke to find himself alone; he looked around the room again. Every wall was lined with bookshelves; he knew he was at Hermione's parent’s home. Most of it looked the same, though there were small differences. Some of the decoration was different, but other than that, the room was the same.  Hermione entered the room, and his eyes instantly found her. He had heard the shower running before, and her hair still appeared damp. He eyed the dripping curls and wondered when she had had time to change things.

"Would you like some more broth, sir?" she asked, as she moved toward his bed, making him wonder again why she was using that title for him after all this time. He nodded, watching her leave the room again.

He stared at the doorway, his mind wondering, asking himself questions. What did he remember? He remembered falling asleep with Hermione in his arms after making love with her for the first time. In his mind, every time before that night had been sex, used as a weapon to wound her.

Why couldn’t he remember anything after falling asleep? How had he become injured? Why had they been talking about a magical snake bite? Hermione returned, and opened his eyes to see her carrying a tray with cups on it. He didn’t like this either. He had spent five years telling her that it was her responsibly to do such things. It had just been another way to make her pay for what he had perceived as a wrong done to him. Now, she was forced to do it, and he loathed it.

She smiled at him as she set the tray on the bedside table, before taking the glass of water and holding it to his lips for him. He detested this, this was worse than any torture he suffered at the hands of the Dark Lord. He had never been this incapacitated before.

Once he was finished with the broth, coffee, and water; Hermione set the tray aside and  stepped closer to the side of the bed.

"I'm going to exercise your arms now. Richard said that to keep your muscle tone it needs to be done once a day."

He nodded at her, closing his eyes. He couldn’t watch.

Once she started, she talked. He didn’t mind though, he had discovered  long ago that was how she worked through problems. After being without her voice for so long he didn’t mind hearing it now.

"I've been trying to find a way for you to be able to communicate. Muggles have nothing, and most magical ways require you to use a wand for such things. I've just started reading a book on mind magic; maybe I can find something…"

He opened his eyes when she stopped talking, and he could almost see the wheels turning in her mind.

"Oh my God." She laid his arm down. "Can you do Legilimency without a wand or speaking?"

His head snapped up from where he was looking at her hand on his arm, wishing he could feel her touch. He had not thought about that either.

He nodded to her.

"Would you?" she asked, and he could see the excitement in her eyes.

He nodded again.

"May I sit here?" she pointed to the side of the bed and again he nodded to her.

Once she was settled, he  met her eyes and concentrated on the magic he wanted to perform.

In the next instant they were standing in the middle of a forest, one that he recognized. It was where he had left the sword of Gryffindor for Potter to find. He turned to Hermione and reached out to run the back of his fingers down her cheek. He smiled when he saw the light blush on her cheeks.

"Tell me, Hermione, what happened to me?"

"Voldemort attacked you during the final battle, and then sent that fucking snake after you to kill you." Her brown eyes flashed with anger as she spoke.

"No, I mean now. That was ten years ago." He was confused and it was feeling that he did not like at all.

"What? Professor, that was a little over two months ago. You've been in a coma since it happened, until last night."

He  stared at her; he could tell that she was being honest. But what did that mean? That  the last several years hadn't happened? Why did he think it did? Why could he remember it then? He never had trouble before, telling dreams from reality.

"Why do you think it's been ten years?" Hermione asked, as she worried her bottom lip. Severus was struck that even in her own mind she had that habit.

That was a very good question, one that he was asking himself. One that he didn’t have an answer to. Unsettled, he fell back on his old ways, sneering at her before saying in the most cutting tone, "Never mind, why are you here? Was I next on your project list? The House Elves, and then the Bat of the Dungeon?" He knew he was taking his frustration of not knowing what happened and his confusion out on her, but he couldn’t seem to stop himself from doing so.

"No," she said, hoping her voice didn’t betray how much his words cut her.

"Then why bother, Miss. Granger? I'm nothing but a Death Eater that killed Albus Dumbledore."

"No, I never believed that." Her eyes flashed with pain and anger.

"Oh, I'm sure you did. What was it? Save me so your sense of justice would be fulfilled when I go to Azkaban?"

Hermione shook her head, she was confused. When he woke in the boat house he seemed so genuine in wanting her to be here, now he was just as cold, if not more so, than before.

"I did what you asked me to do; I didn’t abandon you, just as you asked." She tried to keep her voice level, she knew no one got anywhere with Severus Snape if they lost their temper.

"I would never ask that of you," he bit out at her.

"You did--in the boat house; want me to get a pensive to prove it?" She came back at him in almost the same tone.

"Then I must have thought you were someone else," he told her, knowing that he was lying even as the words left his mouth. He didn’t even remember this.

"You called me by name," she said, wrapping her arms around herself in a protective gesture.

"Maybe I projected someone else on to you, I know there is no way I would have asked any such thing of a child." Severus could feel her anger, but what got him was her hurt. He had no idea what was going on, so he fell back on what he knew.

"Fine. Harry has your memories if you want them back."

"No one knows what the personal memories are; Harry wouldn’t let anyone see them until he could only give up the parts with the Headmaster. He's tried to tell me what was in them, but I wouldn’t let him, I thought that it would be… I don’t know what I was thinking. That if you wanted me to know you'd tell me yourself, that you'd see I could be trusted. I'll be sure to find others to keep you company from now on, sir."

Hermione walked out of the room, closing the door. She leaned against the wall, taking a deep breath. She had no idea why she had thought that he of all people would understand her. It was a mistake she would not make again.

Once the door was closed Severus threw his head back on the pillow,he was angry and frustrated. He didn’t understand what was happening and that made him fall back to his old ways. Well, if she was right, they were not old. They were just the way he was. How could he remember ten years and yet not live them? He had always been able to tell dreams from reality before. If it had been a dream, he couldn’t tell. It felt real. If it was a dream, why did he feel like he had just fucked up his chance to make it a reality?

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; ms_nimue, Emory Lee, and pigwidgeon37 on LiveJournal and expectosemprapatronum, Who all worked on the betaing of this fic. I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time.
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

For the next three weeks Severus didn’t see or hear Hermione in the house, but he often thought over the words he had spoken to  her while their minds were connected. He'd had no idea what was really going on, and had reverted back to his old ways with her. Or was it his current way? He had no. clue If what he had been told was true, the war had just ended, and he was very lucky to be alive thanks to the anti-venom he'd had with him and Hermione's quick action. He had found that the longer he had been awake, and the more he thought of the events of that dream,  the more he wanted the end of that dream to come true. In the last few weeks he had decided that  his experience in the boathouse had been a dream, a glimpse into a future that he could have. Not the unhappy years leading up to the end, but the end itself. Did he deserve  it? After everything that he  had done in his life, could he even expect anyone to want to share his life with him?

The last day Hermione had been in to see him, Potter had come to him, giving him his memories back, and telling him that he hadn't shown anything with Lily to anyone. He told him that he understood about not wanting that part of Severus's past to be public knowledge. Potter also explained how only six people even knew that Severus was alive.

Potter told him of the explanation they had given to the Wizarding world, that his body was gone when they went back for it, and they had come to the conclusion that  rogue Death Eaters had taken it because he was a traitor to them.

When Potter was done speaking, he stared at Severus for several moments as if he was trying to make a decision.

"I don’t know what happened between you and Hermione. She won't say anything other than she thinks that you would rather not have her tending to you. I'm going to tell you a few facts that I think you should know."

Severus didn’t acknowledge the statement one way or the other. He wasn’t even sure he wanted to hear what Potter had to say to him. He knew he should have treated the girl better than he did, she was  essentially the one who saved him. He owed her at least that much.

"She never truly believed that you killing the Headmaster was what it seemed.”  Harry's voice was slow and firm, imparting something that he truly believed. “Of course, Ron and I were too hard-headed to believe her. Hermione's mind works in a different way than anyone I have ever known. She sees things that everyone passes over. When Voldemort attacked you, she wouldn’t leave. Ron caught the worst of it when he tried to drag her out. She told us that she didn’t care what anyone thought, no one deserved to die alone. I don’t know what happened after we left… well, that's not true. I know that she took care of you, she worked to save you. Not because she thought you should stand trial for what you did, but because she thought you were worth saving. She took you back to the castle and got you help at wand point. She's only left your side to attend three funerals and see about her parents. When I asked her about it, she told me that when you woke in the boat house you asked her not to abandon you. I'm telling you she didn’t."  Severus stared at him and wondered when the boy had finally grown up. He really had not meant to hurt Hermione when he was in her mind. He was just confused, and had fallen back to the man he had been when  spying for Dumbledore.

"I didn’t tell her about my mum and you.  That's something for you to tell her about. As a matter of fact, she never saw those memories and she didn’t want to. She seemed to think that having your trust was more important. Maybe I just hate seeing her like this, after Ron being killed and what her parents did to her. She really didn’t need another thing to bring her down."Harry gave him a pointed look then left the room, not bothering to glance back.

Severus thought over what Potter had told him. Then his mind turned to Lily, and what she used to mean to him. He was sure that he would always have a place in his heart for her, but in the years after her death, he had discovered a few truths about her that he had never let himself see before. In truth, he had hid the revelations deep inside his mind, until now. Now, he had all the time in the world  to ponder the past.

Then there was that dream to deal with. He had made so many mistakes, did so many things that were terrible even to him. Some of the things his subconscious mind came up with seemed depraved even to him. He wasn't even sure that it was Hermione he wanted or if his mind had just placed her in that role. The one thing he knew for certain was that if it was her that he wanted, he had only made one mistake this time. He could repair that. He wanted the end of that dream, and if it was Hermione that he wanted, he couldn’t deny that she was an intelligent young woman that would challenge him.  He would wait for her.

The next day Richard blocked the tracheotomy tube and asked him if he was having any problems breathing. When he shook his head, the doctor smiled.

"I want you to try and say something. Now remember, you're not going to be able to yell. The most you should expect is a whisper or very soft speech. Your vocal cords have had some damage that hasn't fully healed yet. Your voice will more than likely not sound the same either."

When Severus tried, and the sound that came out was nothing like what he expected, he stopped, slightly horrified.

"That is very good," Richard said, patting his shoulder. Severus rolled his eyes at the man.

"For a first time, you did fine. I've picked up a few books since I can't get you speech therapy. I thought at least you could try the excises. I've been assured that self study is one of your gifts."

Severus had no idea who had told Richard that, but it was true he had always been able to teach himself anything that he wanted to learn. He could not see this as being any different, he wanted the power of speech back. Even, if he admitted to himself, for nothing more than to apologize to Hermione for his treatment of her.He was positive that she would not allow him back into her mind any time soon.

A few days later he started getting a tingling sensation in his hands and feet. At first, it was just a strange sensation that he could ignore. In a few more days, it reminded him of a very mild _Cruciatus Curse._ Poppy gave him the potions to counteract that rather ugly side effect, despite Dr. Bryce's suggestion that there were some new muggle medication to help with nerve damage from other aliments that could work just as well. Of course, the argument with the doctor over Muggle medicine and potions made Severus smile. A good debate was always a great thing to listen to.

He knew a few days later that Hermione must have told them about using _Legilimency_ to communicate, because Minerva came in ,taking a seat in the chair at the bedside.

"I want to talk to you,"

He inclined his head with a sigh, he knew he needed to allow her to say what she needed to say to him. He had resigned himself to that fact in the last few days.

"No, I want to have a conversation," Minerva clarified.

He studied her for long moment, he knew this day would come. The day he would have to answer her questions about what happen. If it had been anyone else he wouldn’t have been so accomading..Unlike Hermione's forest, this time he was standing next to a loch.

"What do you want, Minerva?" He snapped, he really didn’t want to hear what anyone had to say at the moment. He knew he was becoming more agitated the longer Hermione had stayed away, though he still wasn’t sure if it was because he wanted to apologize to her or if there was more to it. He had finally admitted to at least himself that he was upset that Hermione had chosen to stay away.

"There are so many things I want to know, I don’t even know where to begin." She folded her hands together in front of her. He could feel her affection for him, he had always known it was there, until he killed Albus. The fact remained though that  it made him feel uncomfortable. "Just ask your questions so I can go back to my solitude."

Minerva looked surprised. "Is that what you really want? To always be alone?"

"It's what life has given me," he answered honestly, though he was not sure if that was the case any longer. He walked closer to the shore of the loch.

"No, it's what you have chosen, Severus."  A bench appeared on the shore, allowing Minerva to have a seat.

"What would you know about it?" he turned toward her glaring at her.

"I know that very few people know that you live. We've been keeping it a very closely guarded secret, but yet you cut Hermione out. Why?" Minerva asked, exasperated.  She had always felt a certain fondness for Severus, even as a student. When he began teaching and the other staff gave him the cold shoulder, she had tried to welcome him as an equal.

"It's my business why. Can I not keep any secrets?" He wanted to apologize to Hermione, but he felt that it was between them and not the rest of the people who knew he was still alive.

"What secrets? That at one time you were obsessed with Lily Evans? You forget, Severus, I was there, I know what went on. The only secret that Potter has told was how Albus Dumbledore used you," Minerva stated. She had been angry when she found out about what Albus had done. Not that she didn’t understand, but that didn’t stop her anger.

Severus was shocked by her words, he never thought he'd ever hear Minerva talk bad about Albus, the beloved leader of the Order. He knew the older witch was angry, it was in her drawn features. Angry concerning what, he did not know.

"Severus, Albus had no right to force you to kill him or to make you vow the rest of your life to him. You were young, and we all make mistakes. Yes, your lack of judgment in becoming a Death Eater has always been disconcerting to me, you were such an intelligent young man to be drawn in by Tom Riddle and his pack of lies. But, that does not mean that Albus should have made you oath the rest of your life to the cause, or keep you on beholden to that oath, not after he didn’t keep his end of the bargain. Nor did Albus have the right to make you protect Harry Potter, only to ensure Harry would die at the right time."

"How do you know that?" Severus knew he was not that easy to read, nor was she ever suppose to know about his vow to Albus, or the fact that Potter was only being used.

"With Lily? I was there. I know you would have done anything for her. Do I believe you loved her?  I believe you thought you did, that you were young enough to confuse friendship, lust, and love. About what Albus did? Harry showed me those memories after he separated them from the ones of his mother, he didn’t think you would appreciate that part being known to everyone."

Severus  studied her for a long time. Could she be telling the truth?

"I advised Lily to accept your apology; we talked about it several times. Every time I thought that I had gotten through to her, James and Sirius would change her mind."

"Why would you do that?"

"Severus, you  were friends before Hogwarts. I thought that should mean something. In the end I saw her for what she was."

"What the hell does that mean?" Yes, he could figure out what Lily was really like, but he didn’t appreciate that her former Head of House did also.

"Severus, take Lily Evans off the pedestal you have placed her on. See her for what she truly was, your friendship meant nothing to her if she would throw it away so easily over one misspoken word. Do you think you were the first one who called a friend a mudblood  in anger?"

"I don’t know," he lied.  He knew she was right.

"You're not, it happens more than you realize in the other houses. More often than not in my own. It has something to do with that Gryffindor heading head first into something without thinking." Severus couldn’t help but smirk at that, it was the same thing he had said on a number of occations, "Every time it happens, I give the same advice I gave Lily. Most of the time it works out, most do not wan to lose that friendship."

Severus had no idea what to say to her, she knew more than he thought she ever did.

"Albus was wrong," Minerva said to him. "He treated you as if you were expendable, that your life didn’t matter as long as we won in the end. Severus, your life means a great deal to some people. I won't lie to you, I was angry with you when you killed Albus, even when we dueled in the great hall. But you are no coward, and I was very wrong. If you had died before I was able to tell you that, I would carry the pain of knowing that my last words to you were something you didn’t deserve."

At this moment, Severus wished he was better at dealing with emotions and people, he could see that she was speaking in earnest. He finally reached out, taking her hand. "You were supposed to believe that I was firmly in the Dark Lord's camp."

"I know, which is what makes me angry at Albus. You suffered many things due to him and the so called 'greater good'."

"Yes, I know."

"Now, tell me what happened with Hermione."

"I was myself," he said, lowering his head and sounding defeated.

"No, what happened in the boat house?" Minerva clarified.

"I do not know, I cannot find the memory."

"Then what happened last week?"

"I've been thinking about that. I am sure I had a dream, one where I was given what I have always wanted, and denied because of my obsession with Lily and keeping my place among the Death Eaters. Being a spy is not conducive to having a long term relationship. In this dream I made a mess of it with the way I was thinking, and did not  realize until she was gone that I loved her, nor did I want her to leave."

"I take it Hermione was the other in this dream?"

"Yes, and I don’t know if it was because she was the last person I saw in the boathouse, or something else."

"We could always get Sibyl to--"

"Don’t you dare," he threatened, but carried a smirk on his face.

"Tell me about this dream."

"In short, I was waiting to be tried, and a marriage law came about.  I ended up married to Miss Granger." Severus stood and walked away from Minerva. "I treated her very badly. I couldn’t believe the depraved things I did, and it was of my own mind. When the law was repealed, I gave her the divorce. But then I knew the moment she walked out the door that I wanted her back. I worked at changing, and she let me back in her life. I'm making this sound easier than what it was, but in the end she forgave me for what I had done."

"She cares about you, Severus."

"She doesn’t know me."

"No, she doesn’t, but that didn’t stop her from sitting by your bedside for weeks. It didn't stop her from offering this house when you needed it, or working to make sure you don't have to work so hard to recover.

Severus didn’t say anything. What could he say? He was torn; he wanted what was in that dream.

"This life is not fair to her; I will not condemn her to a life of taking care of me. She deserves so much more."

"Severus, you are going to recover."

"How  do you know? I can scarcely move, let alone speak to anyone. I spend so much time inside my own mind with only my thoughts for company, that dream plays over and over. It's like something is being shown to me that I will never be able to have."

"Severus, you'll be able to have the life that has been dnied to you for so long. It will just take some time."

"How can you be so sure?"

Because you've been holding my hand since you first took it."

Severus spun around to look at her, confused. He was a good five feet from her, not close enough to even touch her with his fingertips, let alone hold her hand. , Realization dawned on him and he broke the connection to see that she was right, his hand was lying on top of hers. He had to move his arm to accomplish this. He looked up to see Minerva smiling.

"See, you will recover. Now, at least think about if you want that life in your dream or not. You could do a lot worse than Hermione, I think she would keep you on your toes."

He gave a small grin; he knew she was right. Hermione would keep his mind in top form even if it was with unending questions.

 

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; ms_nimue, Emory Lee, and pigwidgeon37 on LiveJournal and expectosemprapatronum, Who all worked on the betaing of this fic. I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time.
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

One thing Severus did not have much of any longer was time alone with his thoughts. It seemed everyone wanted to keep him busy until he was too tired to do  anything but sleep. But there were times, like today, when he woke early, before he could hear anyone else stirring in the house. It was at these times he thought about what he wanted.

It was like a laundry list of items: he wanted Hermione (or was it that he just saw her last and put her in that role, he still did not know). What he did know was that he  did not want the submissive girl at the beginning of that dream. Over the time he had known her he'd known that was not her true nature. He had seen her stand up to Potter and Weasley enough to realize that. He also knew himself well enough to know that total submissiveness was not what he needed in his life.

He wanted peace. His life had been nothing but a constant battle since he could remember. He  had never been safe. At home his father had bullied and abused him, and at school the Marauders had done the same.... No, that was not necessarily true. He couldn’t really say that Lupin or Wormtail had been in on that as Potter and Black had done most of the bullying and abuse. They had just never seemed to care enough to say anything to stop it.

Then there was the Dark Lord. His abuse was more straight forward, though you had never known when he was going to be in a mood and strike at you, much like his father had done before.  And let's not forget Albus Dumbledore.  Though the man had never raised a hand to him, he  had used Severus's oath to demand things from him that were unreasonable considering that he  had not held up his end of the bargain. He  had not protected the Potters, and he'd played Severus like a pawn in a chess game. Hell, Albus was the great manipulator, right on par with the Dark Lord. Asking Severus to kill him was the greatest mental abuse Severus had ever suffered. Then telling him that he was only working to keep Potter alive to die at the proper moment. Then there was Albus' attitude when Severus told him that he didn’t want to do this anymore, had all created the anger needed to cast the Killing Curse in the end, even if he did hesitate.

Now that it was over and he was alive, albeit barley able to move on his own at the moment, he wanted this second chance he had been given. He wanted the end of that dream more than he had ever wanted anything in his life. Yes, he'd thought he had wanted Lily that much, but Minerva had been right. In his youth he had confused friendship and lust with love.

He had been surprised when Minerva told him that she had advised Lily not to throw away their friendship. There were things about dear Lily that Minerva didn’t know, and he would be damned if he would be the one to tell her.

He knew without a doubt that he wanted Hermione in his life. He knew to move forward he needed to let the past be buried, and what could be waiting for him if he went forward was like a beacon. He hadn’t even realized when he started whispering to himself.

"I saved Draco from something the boy was never cut out to do. Is it enough?"

He took a deep breath. "I protected your son, Lily, when I couldn’t save you. Is it enough?"

He paused. "I sold my soul to the devil, only to pledge my life to someone and their cause for 'the greater good'. Is it enough?"

He stopped to ponder each of these questions. Draco was alive, his soul was intact. Potter hd survived, more to his life than to just die at the proper moment. Now Severus could have all the things that life had to offer him. He had done everything Albus had asked of him, including killing the old man. He'd made it out alive; when he had been sure he would be dead. Would all the good he had done make up for all the crimes he'd committed? Only time would tell.

What he did know was that he could have what  had been denied to him for so long: a family of his own.

He closed his eyes, drifting off into a light sleep.

Unknown to Severus, Harry had been coming down the small hall when he'd heard Severus whispering. It had never dawned on the young man before how much the dark professor had given up to a war that had seemed to never end. He'd never thought about how many things had been asked of the man lying in the other room.

Harry was angry with Dumbledore for what he'd done to people, how he had manipulated them into doing his bidding. Was he really any better than Voldemort? The only difference Harry saw at the moment was that the Dark Lord used intimidation and torture to achieve his goals, and Dumbledore used oaths. One that he didn’t even keep up his end on, yet Snape still gave of himself.

Harry walked back down to the kitchen; he needed a little time and a cup of tea.

*******

Severus had been working on getting control of his body back, it was tiring and he still slept more than he thought he should.

Minerva had joked one day that he was making up for all the time he'd spent terrorizing students at night. He'd just rolled his eyes at her.

His voice, on the other hand, was a whole other story. No matter how hard he tried, he was still speaking in a whisper and not more than about three words at a time. Any more than that, his throat felt raw, and he couldn’t catch his breath.

Poppy and Richard both had assured him that any residual damage to his lungs would repair itself in time along with the exercise and the potions Poppy was administering to him. Severus couldn’t imagine being able to walk to door, let alone down the hall.

Poppy came in this morning saying he was going to  sitin the chair today. They had talked about doing this for the last week, and now it seemed the time had come. He knew it was important that he do this, using his muscles to strengthen them. What he hadn’t expected was Poppy enlisting the help of Potter.

Richard had left something called a gait belt, explaining that it was used in Muggle medical care so as to not cause damage to the patient's arms or shoulders. He had demonstrated to all of them how the belt was used.

Now, Severus found himself with this belt around his rib cage, and Potter on one side of him and Poppy in front of him.

"All you need to do is stand up," Poppy said, as she wrapped her hand around the belt.

"Easier said," Severus grunted, knowing more words would just make it harder to breathe.

Finally, and with a great amount of effort on all of their parts, Severus stood. Nnow, just to take the steps to the chair. He found himself leaning heavily on Potter's shoulder as he lifted his foot off the floor. The one step ended up being three before he was ready to sit down.

Once he was seated, his breathing heavy, Poppy  told him how well he had done, which he thought was a lie. Potter had knelt down to remove the belt when Severus said, "Leave it." He didn’t see a reason to remove it when it would have to go back on later so he could go back to bed.

Potter looked up at him.

"Poppy is right, you did really well. In no time you'll be able to walk wherever you want to." Potter smiled.  "Maybe one day you'll be back at Hogwarts to terrorize  a whole new generation of students out of dark corners."

Severus looked at him, rolling his eyes He couldn’t believe all the thoughts he could convey with either rolling his eyes or raising his eye brows. He was sure that  he would never teach again in this life.

Potter stood to leave, laughing."Never say never, Professor."

Severus shook his head as  the young man walked out the door.

Poppy was still fussing over him as he made himself comfortable in the chair when he heard  Hermione's voice. He tapped Poppy's arm so he had her attention.

"Hermione?" he whispered. 

"It sounds like it. Would you like for me to send her in?" she asked as she patted his arm.

He nodded, he was fatigued from being on his feet and taking a few short steps. Even so, he wanted to see Hermione, to apologize for how he'd spoken to her when he was in her mind.

"I'll send her in," Poppy said, smiling at him before leaving the room.

Moments later he heard them outside the door.

"He doesn’t want to see me, you’re mistaken." Hermione voice sounded as if she was trying to reason with the older witch.

"He asked for you."

"How could he do that? He can't speak."

He watched as Poppy practically shoved Hermione in the door before closing it.

"I'm sor…" Hermione looked up to see him sitting in a chair. She gasped before a smile spread across her face.

Severus smiled back at her before raising his hand to beckon her to him. She crossed the room, then knelt in front of the chair.

"You're doing much better, Sir."

"Severus," he said, hoping that she understood.

"If you'll call me Hermione."

He nodded.

"You are doing much better, I'm glad to see you up."

"Tiring."

"I'm sure; it's only been a few months."

Hermione stood, sitting in the chair next to his. He reached over, taking her hand.

"Thank you," he said.

"That is the only thing you owe me, no more oaths, or debts to be paid."

He nodded. He wanted to get better so they could talk. There were things he wanted her to know, but for now he would be content with this.

"I see you've been reading," she said, looking at the books on the bedside table.

He reached over and picked up one of the books,  handing it to her. She took it and turned it over in her hands to find it was one of her dad’s: _Diamonds are Forever_ by Ian Fleming. He was reading James Bond. She smiled, the spy reading about a secret agent.

"Did you know most of these are movies?"

"Couple," he said.

"No, I think all of them have been made into movies. I think they're  all in the living room on tape." She grinned. "I'll make you a deal. Once you’re able to walk to the living room, we'll watch one."

He nodded though he really wasn’t that interested in watching them. He would rather read them, but she seemed happy to give him a reason to get out of this room, and if he was honest he needed to see something besides this room.

He squeezed her hand to attain her attention "Sorry," he said, He hated that one or two words were the most he could speak at one time.

"For what?" she asked, surprised that he was apologizing to her. She was even more surprised by the thought that had crossed her mind - that the man even knew how to apologize to anyone.

"Talked to you."

"Don’t--"

He cut her off shaking his head. "Should not have."

"Okay, it's fine. You hadn’t been awake long and I'm sure this is all overwhelming." She had had time to think things over while she had been in Australia., She knew that he had acted on a long ingrained defense mechanism when he was in her mind. Once she was over the hurt of being spoken to like that,  she saw it for what it was.

Damn, he thought, why did she have to be so understanding. His eyes seemed to be drawn to her other arm. That was when he saw the scarring there. He tried to reach across her to take a better look at her arm, but when his body failed he was reduced to pointing toward her arm.

"When?" He was getting tired All the movement this morning, and the talking was wearing him out. He had never thought a day would come when just getting out of bed and talking would make him so tired. Merlin, he felt old at the moment.

"Don’t worry--" She was shaking her head as he cut her off.

"When?" He asked more forcibly than he should have. He felt her jump.

"When we were at Malfoy manor," she said quietly.  She didn’t meet his eyes, this  wasn't that big of a deal to her. But, it would always mark her as a muggleborn witch, and there was nothing that could be done about it since the knife was cursed. The healer she'd seen had told her that a glamour would be her best way to cover the scars of the word that Bellatrix had into her arm.

"How long?" he asked.

"Almost six months. Look, if this bothers you I can--" She was about to tell him that she would remember to wear something to cover, or not forget to glamour it from now on when he cut her off.

"Care less about this." And he found that he really couldn't care less about it, it was just a word, one that only had the power someone gave it. Yes, it had been the word that had cost him his best friend, but it was still only letters and  no way in hell would he allow it to cost him Hermione.

"Poppy." He hoped she understood that he wanted Hermione to see her.

"Sure, I will be right back," Hermione said, standing to go find the older witch.

When Poppy came in, he told her what potion Hermione needed to drink.

Hermione looked between the two of them, being tortured by Bellatrix was something she would rather just as soon forget. She honestly didn’t know which was worse, the _Cruciatus_ curse or having the world 'mudblood' carved into her arm. She did know which she would carry the memory of longer.

 Hermione finally pulled herself from her thoughts.  "What are you talking about?"

"The _Cruciatus_ curse can cause lasting damage to your reproductive system, this should help. I'll bring it tomorrow."

Poppy bustled off and they talked potions for a few minutes. Hermione theorized on one topic to the next, while Severus interjected one word comments with his remaining strength.

Hermione's eyes narrowed. "Are you alright?"

"Tired."

"I'll go get some help to get you back to bed." She knew that it had to be taxing to sit like this after what the man had gone through, and with the total confinement to the bed for the last ten weeks. But, she thought that he had  done wonderfully sitting up as long as he had.

She came back moments later with Potter. They stood by to help as he rose, then gained his balance, before taking the three steps to the bed. He never would have thought that taking  three simple steps would tire him so much.

Once Hermione laid the sheet over him, he took her hand when she turned to leave.

She studied his face for a moment.  "I'll stay until you’re asleep.."

Hermione watched him nod before closing his eyes; she sat down in the chair letting her thoughts wonder.

She had figured out something while she was gone. She cared about this man more than she thought she should. It was what made his remarks the last time hurt so much, because somewhere along the way she had developed feelings for him. Now her only question was if it was because he needed taking care of, or was it something more? She had had a crush on him in her sixth year, and even after he had killed Dumbledore she'd still harbored feelings, she'd just buried them. Nothing about that had set right with her, but she couldn’t argue with Harry and Ron about it. They just bullied her until she agreed with them, so she kept her thoughts to herself until the day Harry told her that Dumbledore had asked Severus to kill him. __

_"He did what?" Hermione asked in disbelief as she sat down at the kitchen table._

_"It was there in his memories. Dumbledore told him that he knew Malfoy was supposed to kill him, and told Snape that he must do it to save Draco," Harry said as he wrapped his hands around his mug on the table._

_"But…" Hermione had no idea what to say. Well, that wasn’t really true. She had a lot she want to say at this moment, but she had always been told to not say things in anger._

_"Oh, he made it sound like Snape would be doing him a favor."_

_"So there was more to what happened than what you thought?" she asked, not able to resist the urge to get her dig back at him for the bullying she suffered when she said that before. Also, she wasn’t really able to keep quiet, letting the lid stay on her ire at what the Headmaster did._

_Harry glanced up at her then lowered his head again. "Hermione, you’re the smartest person I know, and after you came up with the sword to destroy the Horcrux, I thought about asking you again about Snape. But… you were right, and you see things that people overlook. I'm sorry I doubted you." Hermione was surprised by how contrite Harry looked; she chose not to rub that in, and moved on to her next thought._

_"I still can’t believe the Headmaster would be that cruel."_

_"I think we were all manipulated, like this life was a big chess game and nothing mattered as long as he won. Hell, he even died to make it happen."_

_"I still can't believe that he used someone that loyal to him to have himself killed. That is… was he really any better than Voldemort? He was just nicer in using people to achieve his own ends."_

_"I think  you're right,"_

"Hermione."

She looked up to see Harry waiting in the doorway; she smiled at him then looked over to see Severus was asleep. She walked out the door and followed Harry to the kitchen, where he had made tea.

"Were you surprised?" Harry asked.

"Very much so, it seems he has improved a lot in the last few weeks. What happened?"

"I don’t really know, Minerva was here one day, spent over an hour in there with him. Since then he has had a better attitude about everything. He asked that we not tell you, he wanted to surprise you." Harry set the mugs on the table as they both took a seat.

"I wonder, why?" Why would he want to surprise her like that? As far as she knew he didn’t care about much, and she was sure that Harry and herself  were not included in that.

"I have no idea."

Harry was quiet for some time, wondering how to bring up what he wanted to ask next. He didn’t know how she'd react to him even asking. He knew that he had not always been the most observant person, but he didn’t miss the way she reacted when Snape killed Dumbledore, and he thought it had more to do with than just respect for a professor.

Finally, he asked,"You like him, don’t you?"

"I don’t know what…" she stopped when Harry held up his hand.

"I don’t mind, Hermione. I have found that since I've been helping him,  he hasn’t been nearly as bad about the sneering and spitting venom at me. He's not as evil as I thought."

Hermione reached across the table, laying her hand on his. "Yes, Harry, I like him. I just don’t know if it's because I've been taking care of him, or if it's something more." Even if it was something more, she didn’t want to visit those feelings at the moment. "I need a shower after my trip." Hermione said, and left the kitchen.

"I think it's something more," Harry said to the empty room.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; ms_nimue, Emory Lee, and pigwidgeon37 on LiveJournal and expectosemprapatronum, Who all worked on the betaing of this fic. I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time.
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Severus grew stronger over the next few weeks, though he still felt too weak to do too much at any given time. He was finally able to make it to the sitting room with the aid of a walker, which he hated. It made him feel weak- didn’t matter that he _was_ weak at the moment- and he loathed showing weakness. He could withstand torture from the Dark Lord and still walk from the gate to the castle alone, but one little bite and he couldn’t walk across the room by himself. He felt the only bright spot to the exercise was the smile on Hermione's face when she saw him creeping down the hall at a very slow pace.

They had watched several of the James Bond movies with whoever else happen to be  there at the time. He did enjoy the films this time; he didn’t know if it was because the movies actually held his attention, or that Hermione always ended up sitting on a pillow on the floor close to him.

Hermione came in this morning carrying a shirt and pants. "I want to work out in the garden today and I thought it might be nice for you to be able to get out of the house for a while."

He nodded. He really had  no idea how long he'd  been here, but going outdoors seemed like a good idea.

Once Potter had helped him dressed -- another thing he loathed about his condition -- and they had walked with him outside to a chair set under a tree, it occurred to him that he didn’t even know the date.

"Hermione." He still hated how his voice sounded weak, most of the time he was still speaking in whispers and half sentences.

She turned from where she was gathering some shears. "Yes?"

"Today's date?"

"August 14th." She smiled. "I'll put a calendar  in your room." It hadn’t crossed her mind that the study didn’t have a calendar in it until now, she'd find one to hang in there when they went back inside.

Three months? Had it really been three months since the battle? Then another thought hit him. Hermione had told him several times that she wanted to sit her NEWT's, she just hadn’t made up her mind if she was just going to take them or go back to Hogwarts to finish her schooling.

"Hogwarts?"

Hermione sat down in the chair next to his. "Won’t be open this year. There was extensive damage, and they think it's going to take until sometime next year to repair all of it. Then there is the fact that the castle is semi-sentient, it's trying to restructure itself differently. The current Ministry of Magic cannot decide on what classes to offer, they want to do away with Defense against the Dark Arts."

"What?" He couldn’t believe how ignorant they were being, just because the Dark Lord was gone did not mean there were not other dark wizards out there trying to take his place.

"Wait until you hear their reasoning. ' _If they do away with the class, and all the books about the Dark Arts get locked up in the Department of Mysteries, then there will never be a dark wizard again_." The tone she used told him what she thought of their collective stupidity.

"Of all the asinine things I've ever heard of!" He couldn’t believe it. Was the Ministry really that stupid to think that if they did away with a class and what amounted to burning the books then no one would become a dark wizard? Did they even think about the wizarding populations in other places? They would still have access to these things, if someone had a mind they would go elsewhere to learn, then come back to try and conquer wizarding Britain.

"Would you like to know whose bright idea that was?"

"Who?" He felt he knew the answer already, and was really not going to like it.

"Umbridge. The toad got herself on the board after the battle." Hermione had fought this action with everyone she could, the woman didn’t deserve to be anywhere but Azkaban as far as Hermione was concerned, but  like the time she was at Hogwarts, Umbridge once again used the excuse that she was only doing the work the Minister of Magic required of her and she had the letters to prove it. And no one had fought her appointment but Hermione.

Severus could tell Hermione didn’t like this at all. "How did that happen?"

Hermione stood, pacing  back and forth in  her agitation. "It was a tradeoff to get her off the Wizengamot, since they can’t prove that she was siding with Voldemort. 'I was only doing my job' is what she says. I was there while she was doing her job! I tell you she loved it, telling Muggleborns that they stole their wands and that they were not true witches and wizards."

"You could always lead her out… into the forbidden forest again… make sure she doesn’t come back this time." He still hated that he had to take breathing breaks to speak in longer sentences, but everyone seemed patient and never mentioned it to him.

"Yeah, but I don’t think I'll be able to fool her again," she said, smiling at him.

"What else?" he asked, wanting to know what changes they were trying to make.

"They want to combine a Muggle Studies class with a class on Wizarding Customs for Muggleborns."

"So pure bloods don’t have to take it at all." He knew that pure bloods didn’t take Muggle Studies, or at least most of them did not, and they would not need a class for Wizarding Customs since most learn them at a very young age.

"Yes, they want to start Potions in third year instead of first."

"What about OWL's?" he asked, concerned that some children did not learn with their own year, let alone combining three years.

"Well, three years should be enough to allow you to pass your OWL's in potions," Hermione said in a snide tone.

"Why does that sound like Umbridge?" His eyes followed her, watching her anger at the changes they wanted to make. He liked  this side of her, full of fire and almost crackling with magic. He wouldn’t tell her yet, but watching this side of her  intrigued him.

"It was her idea," Hermione spat.

"They are going to ruin the school." Severus hated that, the system had been in place for a thousand years, and now they wanted to _fix_ it.

"Oh, I'm not done yet. They want to test at the end of every year and if you don't pass that test, then you can't take that subject next year. Why waste resources on students that are not suited for a certain branch of magic. Someone like Neville would never get beyond first year in potions. You won’t be allowed to take NEWT's but for the classes you've  made it to seventh year in."

Hermione noticed he was tiring, so she changed the subject with a sigh. "I'm going to get to work on this." She pointed to the flower bed behind her as she picked up the sheers.

He watched her work for a while, noticing how the sunlight caught in her hair to show more of the highlights. He didn’t realize before how many different colors were in the unruly ringlets. Finally, he closed his eyes, laying his head back and enjoying the filtered sunlight and fresh air.

******

That evening, after supper, he asked her the question that had been on his mind for some time now. He just wasn’t sure if asking it would upset her. He knew bringing up memories of the battle at Hogwarts could be a tricky subject.

"Hermione," he said.  She looked up at him from her book. "What happen in the boathouse?"

Hermione knew he would ask this question. She had spoken with Minerva, who told her that Severus didn’t remember anything after giving his memories to Harry. She closed her book, giving the answer her full attention, and hoped that she didn’t cry as she told him. 

"What do you remember?" she asked.

"Giving Potter memories that he needed to defeat the Dark Lord, things that had been kept from him."

"You told Harry that he had his mother's eyes, then you closed your eyes. Harry thought you were dead, the way your body just went limp. He called me over, when I knelt down I had my hand on your chest and could feel the rise and fall, though it was  barely a movement."

Hermione took a drink of her water when her mouth became suddenly dry. She hated this part because she had fought with Ron, and though she had told him she just didn’t want Snape to die alone, she still felt as if he really hadn't forgiven her for it.

"I told the boys to go as I started looking through my bag for the Essence of Dittany I had. Harry moved away to go to the pensive, but Ron came over and argued with me about going."

She stopped, she wasn’t going to tell him the nasty things Ron had said.  "I finally told them that no one deserved to die alone, and that you were still breathing and as long as you were, I was staying. Ron tried to jerk me up off the floor, that's when I turned my wand to him and told him to go. Harry finally drug Ron out the door and I went back to closing your wounds ."

Severus wouldn’t have known she was crying if he had not been looking at her, her voice never broke. He watched as she wiped at her cheeks before she started speaking again.

"I looked through your pockets for anti-venom. When I found it I worked on getting it in you and then you woke up for a few moments. When you were out again, I took you to the castle and got Poppy to help you." She had her head down and he knew that she was trying to hide her tears..

Hermione looked up when she felt his touch, and she took a deep breath, trying to get her tears under some kind of control. She would have never thought talking about what had happened would cause her this much pain.

When Severus spoke it was with a quiet voice. "I'm sorry you fought with your friend over me."

Hermione was surprised by his apology. She turned her hand over under his, squeezing his hand. "Don’t be, it was the right thing to do. It doesn’t matter what you had done, no one deserves to die alone. Everyone should have someone there, even if they don’t think the person cares.". She gave him a tight, pained smile and one more tight squeeze of the hand, then stood and left.  He had his answer, most of it anyway. He had wanted to know if he had said anything when he woke up, but he didn’t feel as if this was the time to ask her.

Several days quietly passed before another question occurred to him. "This is your parents’ house, where are they?" he asked Hermione while they were preparing supper.

At the sound of a glass crashing to the floor his head popped up from where he was sitting, cutting peppers. Hermione was hanging onto the edge of the counter, her breathing coming in rapid pants. As he stood slowly to go to her, he tried to remember if he had heard anything about them. He remembered hearing that they were to be killed to make the girl come out of hiding. But, he didn’t remember hearing if that had come to pass.

When he reached her, he laid his hand lightly on her back."Hermione?"

She turned to look at him with such a deep look of hurt in her eyes that he only wanted to make her pain go away.

"What happened?"

"I Obliviated them, took all memory of myself from them and planted the idea to go to Australia. When I went to reverse what I did… I used a spell that was never meant to be reversed."

Severus was surprised that she used a spell on them that she had not researched. He had no idea how to ask if she had found a counter spell or not without calling into question her intelligence, and he knew her to be highly intelligent.

"I thought I had researched every aspect of the spell in the library. It seems they didn’t quite have all the information and I chose not to look further because I had other things on my mind at the time. I should have stayed focused on the research." She was still angry at herself for not doing as she had always been told. Had it not been her dad who had told her to study above all else? That was the only important thing while you were young, good marks were expected and if you fell short then you had to have a very good reason as to why.

Severus heard the anger in Hermione's voice,  and knew it was directed at herself. What he didn’t know was why. There were a lot of things he wanted to say to her about the Hogwarts library not being as complete as she thought it was. What he did say, though, he felt would calm her. "Hermione, their deaths were ordered."

"What?" The shock in her voice and on her face made him continue talking.

"To try to lure all of you out of hiding, the Dark Lord had ordered them to be killed, just as he had ordered Molly and Arthur’s deaths."

He saw her eyes glass over and she turned to leave, saying in a broken voice, "Excuse me."

He took her arm, pulling her back to him, and he wrapped his arms around her as she sobbed into his chest. She wrapped her arms around his waist, and he rubbed her back in soothing circles as she cried.

She had kept her parents safe, but for what? They were alive, but had no idea they even had a daughter. Severus tightened his arms around her, the only thought he had was to give her comfort.

When her tears slowed, she pulled back from him, wiping at her cheeks. "I'm sorry."

He didn't know why she felt the need to be sorry, he could understand that she was in pain over what had happened with her parents.

"No, don’t be," he said, still running his hand down her back; he was going to have to sit soon, though. He again berated his weak body.

He finally let her go when she pulled away to get a broom to clean up the glass. He went back to the peppers and gratefully retook his seat. "I'm sorry you’re hurting over this Hermione, but you did keep them safe, even if they don't know you at the moment."

"They will never  know me again, almost every expert in Britain has looked at the spell I used. No of them have any idea how to reverse it. I used a bad source and didn’t take the time to double check it."

Again she sounded angry at herself, he would have to remember to ask her about that later.

"So, Severus, once you’re well again, what do you plan to do?" she asked.

He knew she was changing the subject, but he allowed it. He would find out more about her parents later.

"I have no idea. I'm dead to all but a very few people. I could go Muggle, or take up an assumed name. I just really don’t know what I want to do now."

"So you had no plans for once the war was over?" she asked, sitting across from him at the table.

"I didn’t expect to be alive after the war." He looked up to see the shocked look on her face a moment before she covered it with a questioning one.

"Oh. I don’t even know how to ask this, but ... Do you regret being alive now?"

"No," he answered quickly, which drew a look from her so he added, "I don’t remember  anything from the time I gave Potter those memories until when I awoke here. I did have a dream though." He had been thinking about how to approach this with her, and she had just given him the perfect opening.

"Really? What was it about?"

"A life I never thought I could have " He had made a deal with himself after that first conversation they had via Legilimency . If they ever came to a point where they talked about his dream, he would be honest with her.

He saw the curiosity on her face, he wondered if she would run from him now.

"Is this dream the life you want now?"

"Yes and no, things are different between the two."

"What was it about?" she asked, truly interested in his dream.

At  that moment the front door opened, and they heard Potter come into the house.

"Another time," he told her. Yes, he would share this with her, but not the rest of his world.

"I'll hold you to that; I would really like to know."

Once supper was over that evening, Hermione asked if they wanted to watch a movie. Once they all agreed, they told her it was her turn to pick. Harry knew what movie they would be watching tonight, so he settled back in the chair while Severus sat on the sofa with Hermione. About an hour into the  movie, Hermione dozed off, her head lolling onto his shoulder. He thought about waking her, but when he looked at her sleeping peacefully, he found that he didn’t want to disturb her.

His mind traveled to that dream, and how long  he had treated her badly. How many times had he ignored her, when it could have been nights like this? Quiet evenings spent together, this is what he wanted.

"What happened today?" Potter asked quietly, when the movie was over.

Severus looked down at Hermione.  "I asked about her parents," Severus answered him. He was finding that Potter was not like his father in many ways, and  that the young man he had become was not as grating on his nerves as he had been as a student.

"I've tried to find someone that can help them regain their memories, but they all say the same thing. 'The spell has no counter spell.' All she wanted to do was keep them safe,  I sometimes wonder if it's not better this way. Her dad was strict with where she went and who she spent time with, and even grades," Harry said as he moved to take their glasses into the kitchen.

The last one gained Severus' attention."Grades?"

"Yeah, Muggles have a percentage grading system. Her dad was more interested in the numbers than anything else."

Severus pinched the bridge of his nose, he never gave her higher than 'exceeds exceptions'. Not because she didn’t deserve it, but because he had been expected to.

"Sir, she understood your position even if her father didn’t." Harry had stopped in front of the sofa, looking at his former Professor.

Severus closed his eyes, leaning his head back on the sofa.

"I'm going to bed. Do you want me to wake her?"

"No, I'll do it."

"Don’t sleep there, I can't imagine that it would be good for you right now," Harry said before turning and leaving the room to go upstairs to bed. He tended to stay here a couple times a week when things were too depressing at the Burrow for him to stay there any longer.

"I won't," Severus said, not really even thinking about the fact that it was Potter telling him what to do.

Once he was alone with Hermione, he looked down, studying her face. All of this seemed surreal to him, being here, being alive when he had thought he'd never live to see a magical world free of Voldemort. Hell, he had never thought he would ever be free to pursue what he wanted, and not what was planned for him. Now, he had no idea what he wanted to do, but he was free to make the choice for himself.

He knew that he needed to start separating the dream from this reality. He needed to see Hermione for what and how she was now, and not that version that his mind created.

He woke her gently and told her to go to bed, but she waited down stairs until he was in his room before he heard her taking the stairs to her own room. He found that he was surprised when he thought about it, and discovered that he liked that someone was making sure he was fine. He smiled as he picked up the book he had been reading off the nightstand.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; ms_nimue, Emory Lee, and pigwidgeon37 on LiveJournal and expectosemprapatronum, Who all worked on the betaing of this fic. I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time.
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Over the next few weeks Severus worked on getting stronger, Poppy and Richard both seemed to be pleased with his progress. He kept a lot of things in the back of his mind, not thinking about them. It was easier to only think about now and not the two masters he once served, or what they both had required of him.

He enjoyed his time with Hermione, and despite living in the same house with her, he didn’t see her as much as he would have liked. She always had things to do especially as she was trying to make up for what had happened at Gringots. He had tried to tell her one day that she shouldn’t bother; the Goblins sure didn’t care one way or another. But, being the headstrong Gryffindor she was, she didn’t listen and would go several days a week to the Goblin-run bank.

Today, she was at the Burrow for lunch, which was how he ended up cooking her a birthday supper while playing chess with Richard. They were still uncomfortable leaving him  on his own. For someone who had led a very solitary existence for a very long time, it was difficult for him to always have someone around. On the other hand, it was tolerable to have people around to talk to. After spending all of the last year surrounded only by Death Eaters, who he had to be on guard with at all times, it seemed like a nice change of pace.

"Severus, you have exceeded any expectations that I had when I first saw you. I would never have thought then, that in four months you'd be cooking, or as mobile as you are."

Severus, who had his back to him as he chopped an onion, only said, "Have you made your move yet?"

After Severus had woken and started interacting with him, Richard had found out quickly that when the man was uncomfortable with a conversation he would bluntly change the subject.

"No, just give me a minute."

Severus finished and came back over to sit down to wait.

Once Richard made his move, Severus studied the board, not looking up until Richard said, "You know Hermione cares for you."

Severus looked up at the man across from him, eyes narrowing in thought. 

Richard continued, "I even think you've come to care for her too."

Severus sat back in his chair. Richard was the only person he could really ask this question of. He couldn’t see himself asking former co-workers or students. And the fact was, they had become friends. "Do I have the right, though?" Severus asked.

Richard studied him for long moments before he answered; Severus found that this was what he liked about this man. The doctor always thought about his answers before giving them.

"Caring is not a right, whether you admit it to yourself or not, you cared about the students you taught. All of them. I've heard stories since, well since that nigh., Oh don’t get me wrong, they spoke of what a bastard you were.  But, also how you tried to protect them, they even understood how you couldn’t do it all the time. That would just look suspicious to Riddle, but they respect you for what you've done for them."

"It doesn’t matter, for the most part I'm dead to that world and I want to keep it that way," Severus said, crossing his arms over his chest. Tlking about the night he killed Albus always put him on the defensive.

"As it should be, you've done enough for them. How long was it that you let someone else lead your life for you? Twenty years?" Richard asked as he put his hand on a chess piece, only to take it off again.

"Something like that."

Richard looked back up at him. "Now is your chance to have what you couldn’t have then, it's almost like when a young man or woman graduates. They have their whole life before them and can do or be anything they want; a lot of people don’t get that second chance, Severus. I know you’re a highly intelligent man who can do or be anything you want, so why not?"

Severus stood to check the on the chicken in the oven. "That was  such a large part of my life for so long that I don’t know what else to do."

"So take some time to figure it out, I understand wizards and witches live longer than we do. It's not like you're looking at forty and are finding that you’re unfulfilled with your job. You have time to decide what you want to do with the rest of your life. Just don’t forget that there are people who care about what happens to you."

"Not likely," Severus said as he came back to the table, making his move on the chess board. "How did your daughter like Salem School for Witches?" Severus remembered Amber Bryce; she wasn’t a stand out like Hermione, but she wasn't a menace like Longbottom, either. She did understand the science behind potion making, though it seemed the art eluded her.

"She, in her teenage way, finds it lacking. She did well last year, though she misses home. They do things quite differently there, and she had a couple of Professors she didn’t care for at all," Richard answered as he looked across the table, debating on what to divulge to the man in front of him.

"You mean she doesn’t like the all-girls boarding school. Will she come back next year?"

"Of course she doesn't, she's a teenager. Boys are not on the very top of her list, but they are in the top five. She is coming back next year, she misses her friends terribly." Severus saw the doubt the other man carried about sending his daughter away.

"You did the right thing, it was not safe here for Muggleborns this last year," Severus told him, hoping to alleviate some of the man's guilt.

"I know, it's just with Cindy dying a year before we found out that Amber was a witch-- it was the reason I was so adamant about helping any way I could. Amber was very close with her mum, when Cindy passed suddenly it devastated Amber. She became very depressed, and I was at the end of my rope on what to do. When Professor Sprout came to the house to deliver her Hogwarts letter, Amber soaked it all up like a sponge. It brought her out of the depression she was in, and I will be forever grateful that she has that ability, and that there was something there for her to live for." Severus looked away as Richard scrubbed a hand down his face.  "Cindy would have been so proud of her, she always said Amber was special... she didn’t know how right she was."

Severus gave a small smile. This was the first he had learned of any student besides the few former and current students that were associated with the Order, and it occurred to him that they all had a story such as this one, and it made him wonder what they were.

*******

After making it upstairs to find suitable clothes, he took a moment to rest before heading back down to the bathroom. He was still having a bit of trouble managing the stairs in his weakened state, having to rest at the end each way, but determined to make the trip up and down at least once every day.

Now, standing in front of the mirror, he  gave himself an appraising look, trying to see what Hermione would see. He had cleaned up, even taking care to make sure his hair was especially clean. The angry red scars on his neck were still there, and he couldn’t find anything to cover them up with without irritating them. But he had to admit that he didn’t look as severe as he had in the past, his skin even had some color to it from all the days spent out in the garden with Hermione.

One of the biggest things he noticed now was that he didn’t look as if he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. If freedom could be described in a look, he would say that was how he looked now. He left the bathroom feeling something that he had not felt since before he took the Dark Mark: hope.

*******

Hermione came in the front door, tired from her afternoon with the Weasleys. They tried to make today special, but the weight of Ron's absence was felt. Hermione knew it was too soon for them to try to have any kind of party, but Molly had insisted that today needed to be marked. She heard Severus call her name.

"Hermione?"

"Yes," Hermione answered as she set her bag down by the door.

"Come into the kitchen," he commanded, causing Hermione to pause in her steps, then shake her head.

When she entered the room, she saw him sitting at the table, which had been set. Then she saw that on the plate across from him laid a dark pink rose. She drew in a breath.

"It's lovely, but what are you thanking me for?" She moved to the table, picking up the flower off her plate and finding that the smell was very sweet, and that the rose was conjured.

He should not have been surprised that she knew the meaning of roses.

"I think you know." Was all he said as he poured each of them a glass of wine.

Hermione wondered if the thanks was for saving him, or staying with him. She had to remind herself that this was Severus Snape and that she may never know.

Hermione watched him throughout supper as they talked; she had noticed that his hair didn’t have the lanky look that it usually did by this time of day, and she felt special knowing that he took the time to look nice tonight. She was drawn in by his eyes; lately they seemed more… alive... more than she had ever noticed before. It didn’t escape her attention how his hands shook slightly, and the flash of pain that crossed his face at times. "How are you doing?"

"Don’t worry about it." He knew he was a little more biting than he intended to be, but he hated that she was asking him about this weakness. He knew it was from doing too much today, and that was his fault entirely.

Hermione stared at him from across the table. Telling her not to worry was about like telling her not to worry about the nightmares that her best mate and she suffered from. She chose to change the subject as she stood to take the plates to the sink.

"What about this dream you had?" She had come back to this subject in her thoughts everyday, wanting to know what took place and the how and why.

"What do you think you're doing?" He was surprised by the fleeting image from that dream, of his treatment of her, and he loathed it.

She looked at him, the tone he used almost made her sit back down, but finally she said, "I'm setting the dishes in the sink. You cooked this wonderful meal, the least I can do is clear the table." She turned, rinsing the plates before leaving them in the sink and joining him back at the table with mugs of coffee for them to have with their dessert.

Severus watched her; he knew it was the dream that hadcaused him to ask. He chose to ignore what had just happened, saying, "Hermione, Happy Birthday."

"Thank you, Severus, this has to be the best present I've ever received. Now, what about this cake?" She had only had a very small piece of cake this afternoon. She hadn’t wanted to hurt Molly's feelings as she had gone to all the trouble to make her a cake, but the cake she'd made had been Ron's favorite, not hers. This double layer wrapped in chocolate was a different story, however.

"How did you know?" she asked, thinking that he didn’t care enough about any former student to know when their birthday was.

"I have my ways," Severus answered her. She'd more than likely find out that Potter had told him anyway.

Once they each had a piece of cake, Hermione  tried again."So, tell me about this dream."

He had been looking down at the table, when he raised his head she was struck by how… less severe he looked, she would even say he looked young at the moment.

"I was a bastard, as always."

"Was our life together in this dream an unhappy one?" she asked as she set her fork down to take a sip of her coffee, the cake was very rich.

"In the beginning, very much so. It took a long time to arrive at a point where we were happy." He wanted to be honest, but he also worried that being honest would push her away, and he didn’t want that to happen.

"Tell me something about it, was it like it is now?" Hermione wished that Severus was a more open person, but she knew that to find answers from him, she would have to ask questions until he became tired of it.

"No, nothing like it. I was tried for my crimes."

"What crimes? You had a lack of judgment for a time, then…" She couldn’t say that, she had no idea of his feelings for what Dumbledore had asked him to do.

"Then?" he asked.

"Nevermind, it's just that it's not the point, you've apparently more than made up for what you have done."

Severus groaned, he knew that Potter would show her, or at the very least, tell her his memories.

"What?" she asked.

"Those memories," he hissed as he laid his fork on his plate.

"The only thing I know of those memories were the ones of Dumbledore. Harry's tried to tell me the rest, but I wouldn't let him."

"You're a Gryffindor, your curiosity will demand that you see them."

"Not if I want to have your trust." She said quietly, "I don’t need to see your memories. If you want me to know them you will tell me. I can show restraint, though I don’t think you ever believed that anyone from my house could."

Severus didn’t like where this was going, he took a deep breath. Did she really go out of her way to not know what they were? "I've just never seen anyone from your house show restraint."

"Well, then I'm glad to be different from everyone else. I really did want this to start on the right foot, so to say, I didn’t think peeking at your most private thoughts was a way to accomplish that."

When Severus didn’t say anything for several minutes, she  decided to try to get some sort of conversation started again.

"Tell me about your childhood?" she asked.

"No," he said quickly and with such finality that she knew he wouldn’t ever talk about it.

Hermione searched for a topic that wouldn’t put him on the defensive, but before she could land on one, he said, "This is not how I wanted this go." He hadn’t wanted to put either of them on the defensive, but it seemed that he had done just that.

"And how did you want this to go?" Hermione asked over the top of her wine glass. Now that she was finished with her cake, she wanted to finish her wine.

"I don’t really know, but this was not it. We've seemed to put each other on the defensive."

"Yes, we have, but you know there is a lot in the past to be defensive about. I can't imagine that you find it easy to trust people after being a spy for that long."

Why did she have to be so understanding?

"No, it's not." When he picked up his wine glass, it slipped out of his fingers landing on the table and splashing wine toward Hermione, who jumped back, but not soon enough to avoid the red spots splashed onto her top. She grabbed the towel off the counter behind her as Severus let loose a string of words that she had only heard a few times in her life.

"It's fine." she said softly, thinking that a soft voice might calm him.

"No, it's not. Maybe it's best if we just end the night here."

Hermione watched him before throwing the towel in the sink, then going around the table to squat beside his chair.

"Severus." When he didn’t look at her she said his name again. He finally turned to look at her, and she chose her words carefully. "You almost died-- hell, I thought you did die. I would be worried if you were completely healed in the few months it's been since then. Don’t get upset over things that can be fixed, or cleaned up." She took his hands in hers.  "It will get better, I know it will."

He turned in his chair, his hands squeezing hers. He had no idea what to say. That dream played in his mind all the time when he allowed it, and he didn’t want to repeat the past. He just had no idea how to achieve the end without the pain. Finally, he decided that maybe it was time for him to be honest with her.

"I've never done this -- date. There was no time for it, I have no idea what I'm doing."

"Neither do I, so why don’t we figure it out together?" She smiled at him.

"It's not only that, I… You know what, it doesn’t matter. Yes, we can figure this out together."

"Good, now tell me where you would like our next time together to be." She had been elated when he talked about dating her –  it's what she had wanted also.

"I don’t have any idea yet."

"So there will be a next time?" she asked as she stood.

He smirked, that was a Slytherin tactic. "Yes, there will be a next time,"

She took the bottle of wine and glasses, letting him lead her to the sitting room. They spent hours talking about many different subjects. Hermione stayed away from asking anything personal, so she stuck with the state of the wizarding world and recent articles she knew he had read.

That night lying in bed Severus wondered where, if anywhere, this would lead. Maybe he was just being too serious about her. Had he not seen the relationships between children change over the time he had taught? It seemed to him that they became less serious about one another. Over time, even sex was not taken as a serious act any longer, if the amount of teens he had caught was anything to go by.

Maybe they needed to talk about how she thought dating would progress; he knew he had no desire to rush anything where she was concerned. There was a lot to consider, she wasn’t finished with her NEWT's yet. He had no doubt that she would want to further her education.

Yes, there were a lot of topics they needed to discuss. He wasn’t going to let any of them weigh on him tonight. Aside from spilling his wine on her, which she had taken in stride, it had been a good evening.

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; Emory Lee, and pigwidgeon37 on LiveJournal and expectosemprapatronum, Who all worked on the betaing of this fic. I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time.
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Hermione stood in the doorway to Severus's room a few days later, "Would you like to go on a picnic today?"

When he looked up he was surprised to see a slight blush on her cheeks and that she wasn’t making eye contact. Severus found that he didn’t even really have to think about an answer, "Yes, I would."

"Be ready in about half an hour then," Hermione turned away before she really blushed, it wasn’t that she was embarrassed, they both did agree to this. Maybe it was the fact that she had never initiated a date before.

When she _Apparated_ them to a house in the country he looked around. The house was very small; it looked as if it only contained a few rooms. As he followed her around back though he saw that the house was quite long-- much larger than the initial impression. Hermione must have noticed his fleeting looks at the house because she said, "This was my grand-parents country house. Grandma Granger grew up on a farm, they bought this place when my dad was in college. They always had a huge vegetable garden," she pointed out a fenced area, "and fruit trees in the back. I would help her preserve what they grew, and we'd make jam or jelly from the fruit. Even when it came down to only a few weeks I could spend here, I still came to help her."

Severus didn’t have to ask why why her time with her grandmother was cut short, after the conversation he had with Potter about grades, he knew that was the reason..It gave him insight to little comments he had heard from her. She had been held to a high standard when it came to school work. Even Severus, being who he was thought that maybe the standard was too high.

"Grams had a massive stroke at the beginning of my sixth year and passed away." Hermione felt the sadness she always felt when thinking of her grandmother. She always made Hermione feel special and loved, unlike her other set of grandparents who she had not seen since she was thirteen, they were cold toward her and even her mum. Hermione had always wondered what happen that they would go so far as to blame her for it also..

He reached out, taking her hand, not knowing what else to do. He understood, there were still times he missed his grandmother Prince, though he had not seen her in almost twenty years. Not that she had passed beyond the vail, he was banished from Prince Manor and it was warded to keep him out.

Hermione was surprised when she felt his hand on hers, she squeezed his hand as they walked around the corner of the house,"I was the only one who liked being here, so she had this left to me; it had been in a trust until last month."

She had led them to a table in the back garden; she set the basket she brought down on it then motioned for him to sit with her. "If you feel up to it later, we can go see if there is anything left on the trees."

"That would be acceptable."

For the last few days Severus had debated over what to tell her about the memories he had given Potter, the ones she didn’t know about. He found that he wanted to be honest with her about them, about his past. But, not knowing how she would react was giving him pause., "Hermione, the memories I gave Potter were about, you asked about my childhood, it was not a happy one."

Hermione looked up at him from where she was taking the food  out of the basket.

"My father was an abusive alcoholic and my mother was distant."

She reached across the table, laying her hand on his but not saying anything.

"Until I was about nine, I really didn’t have any friends. Then one day, in the park by where I lived, I met a girl and her sister playing. I was very surprised when she performed magic; I watched them several times before I finally approached her. I told her she was a witch and she became my best friend, my only friend."

He looked up to  see Hermione smiling at him, encouraging him to go on. That was not what he had expected; pity was all he ever expected from this story, for some reason he couldn’t explain at the moment he found encouragement to continue based on her actions.

"For a long time she was the only light in the world for me. We started Hogwarts together, but she was sorted into… into another house. I wanted to be in Slytherin. I had hoped that she would be sorted there also, of course now I see how foolish that was. She was Muggleborn; there was no way she would have fit into a house full of Pure Bloods and a few Half Bloods."

He stopped as Hermione removed her hand to pour them both a glass of wine before she laid her hand on his again.

"We remained friends for another five years, the friends she made in her own house tried to tell her that I was a Dark Wizard, only because I wanted to understand all of magic. They were the golden boys of the school; no matter what they did, it was never wrong. Don’t misunderstand; she defended me when they would come after me, for a time anyway. Something I didn’t understand until years later was that she was… She wanted something I would never be able to give her, at least not for a long time. A high standing in the Wizarding world. Her friends could give her that over a no-name Slytherin…" He trailed off, not knowing or wanting to say what came next.

"Severus, you don’t believe that today, do you? You're one of the most powerful wizards I know. You have a good heart even if you made mistakes in your youth."

"No, I don’t believe that today. She was selfish. Don’t get me wrong, she was one of the most brilliant witches I have known, and for a long time- a very long time- I was convinced that I was in love with her. In hindsight, I know that in my youth I confused friendship and lust with love."

He took a drink of his wine; this was harder than he thought it would be. But at the same time it wasn’t, either. Maybe it was true that confession was good for the soul.

"Her friends were bullies that, because of who they  were and what house they were in, were allowed to do many things that others couldn’t get away with. I'm sure Potter told you what he saw in my pensive that day I ended his lessons in Occlumency."

Severus had never seen someone's mood change so fast. He had overheard the Weasley boy one day say that Hermione was scary, in this moment he could see why the boy thought that way.

"Harry looked in your pensive?" she asked angrily.

Maybe she didn’t know Severus thought, though he had been sure at the time that the boy would run to tell his friends his most humiliating moment.

"He didn’t tell you?" Severus couldn’t keep the surprise out of his voice.

"Hell no, he didn’t tell me! If he had I would have-- I can't believe that he invaded someone's privacy like that. Then again maybe I can, he had such a one track mind when it came to you."

"Hermione, calm down, it was--" She cut him off, he realized that maybe it was better to just allow her to rant for the moment.

"I'm still going to have a chat with him about that. He knows better, even then he knew better!"

He saw in that moment how Potter and Weasley were goaded into their school work by her.He watched as she took a drink before she said, "Sorry, go on with your story." She looked apologetic for her interruption .

"Let's just say that these bullies did something very humiliating to me. I was mortified when she stepped in to stop them, and it was only made worse by being in front of almost the whole school. When she came to check on me I lashed out at her, she chose to be their friends, even though she knew how they treated me. I didn’t take it well and called her a Mu…" Even after all this time he still couldn’t say that word to anyone. He looked at her,

"You called her a Mudblood?" She didn’t seem surprised by this.

"Yes, I killed what was left of our friendship that day. They told her they were right all along, and she wouldn’t even allow me to apologize to her. She only spoke to me once after that day. In a fit of pain and anger, I joined the Death Eaters. I wanted to rid the world of Muggles like my father Tobias, and I would show her that she made the wrong choice when the Dark Lord took over." It had been true, between what his father did and his desire to show her that he was right, and could be what she wanted, he had decided to join the Death Eaters. Of course, at the time he had had no idea what that entailed, or what he would be commanded to do to show his worth.

He could see the questions she wanted to ask but wasn’t allowing herself to.

"The first time the Dark Lord was not like he was this time. Most of the Pure Blood recruits came from  families like the Malfoy's and the Black's. Tom Riddle didn’t care either way; he just took up the Pure Blood cause because it gained him followers and could further his own ends. It also did not help that his own father denied him."

"So for a personal vendetta he caused all this damage to our world?"

"Yes, allowing the likes of Malfoy, or even Bellatrix, to have their way was a small price to pay to get back at all the people who he thought were beneath him." It was the truth, the only thing Riddle cared about then was becoming all powerful. he hadn’t given  a damn if someone was Pure Blood or not,  there were even several Muggleborns that were supporters, though he was sure that information was not public knowledge.

"What was your friend’s name?"

Severus knew this question would come, just as he knew he would answer it for her. He was just worried over how she would take the answer.

"Lily Evans."

He had been looking down at the table when he answered her question, he couldn’t bring himself to look up at her. She was quiet for what seemed like hours to him before she finally spoke.

"Harry's mum?" She really didn’t know to be shocked by this or not, it never occurred to her that Harry's mum and Severus would be at Hogwarts at the same time. It made her question how intelligent she really was, because Remus and Sirius were there and she knew that they were friends with Lily.

He nodded, not able to look at her; he feared he would see in her eyes.

"Severus." She said quietly.

Maybe he feared what she would see in him.

"The ones who bullied you was it Sirius and Remus?"

"More Potter and Black than the wolf." Still looking at the table, it was not easy to speak of things that he had held onto for so long. Then she surprised him.

"No wonder you hate Harry so much." His treatment of Harry made so much more sense to her now. Harry looked like James, and seeing him must have brought back many bad memories for the man across from her.

This caught him off guard, he didn’t know what he had expected, but that wasn’t it. He looked up at her finally. He didn’t see the pity he expected to see, maybe a little anger was there, but nothing he expected. He could see her mind working over things, over what she knew.

"What were the memories that Harry wants me to know?"

"Meeting Lily, being sorted, when I went to Albus, and begged him to save her. And yes, at the time I asked him to save her, not all of them. At that time I didn’t care if James or her son lived. My oath to Albus was to give him anything in exchange for _her_ protection. When she was killed by the Dark Lord, I went to their house. I was…"

"You loved her." Hermione stated as if it was an undeniable fact..

"I thought I did, anyway. I think the rest you might know." He knew he started this conversation, he just didn't realize that it would be this… emotional. He really had not looked back on that time or his feelings then in a very long time until recently, and even now he tried not to dwell on them.

"I think you loved her at the time." Hermione said.

"Maybe you're right, but time taught me a few things. With the distance of time I saw things that I couldn’t then. She had been trying to cut ties with me for some time, but that little bit of conscience she had would always come to her. She was like her sister; the only difference was that Lily was nicer about it. Petunia wanted to marry well, and to someone who was grounded and took her stand on the magical world. Lily wanted the same, save for the magic part." That was something that played on his conscience for some time once he looked back objectively. Lily had not been the nicest person once she reached Hogwarts. She found that in the order of the Wizarding world the Snape name was nothing, and names like Potter and Black were revered.

"You think that she thought that you brought her down to a level that she thought was below her." The more  Hermione gave thought to it, the more she was starting not to like what happen then or even in her recent past. Sirius and Remus talked of James and Lily like they were the golden couple who could do no wrong, when in fact they placed them on a pedestal, never mentioning the people that they used at their feet.

"Yes, I know I did." Severus had been resigned to the fact after fifth year that Lily being friends with him only dragged her into something that she could not possibly fit.

"Well, that sounds selfish. Do you think I'm like that? I am…" she was cut off.

"No!" he said with a little more force than he wanted to, then he calmed himself saying again, "No, I don’t think you're like her. There are things that you both have in common, but I have never seen you give up on your friends. Even when I know they sent you to the girls bathroom crying before they were your friends, you still covered for them."

"How do you know that?" Hermione was surprised that he knew that, of course she really had never been a very convincing liar either.

"So I am right, you were not searching for the troll." Severus had never been sure about that, but he had suspected that she had lied that night.

"Damn it, I walked into that one, didn’t I?" Hermione was not happy that she gave that up, or that she let it happen that easily. She would have to be careful in the future, or he would be ferreting out more things she had done.

He smiled at her, she wondered why he rarely smiled he looked so much younger when he did.

"Yes, you did."

"Care to take a walk to the fruit trees?" She was ready to change the subject, and she felt that he had talked enough about this for now.

"Is that all?" He asked, a little surprised that she didn’t have a list of questions as long as his arm to ask.

"For now, yes. You have given me some things to think about, but they also explain some things to me. I have a better understanding of why you acted the way you did. Now I want to lighten this mood, and if you are up to it, I would like to go see if I can find some apples."

He lifted her hand before lowering his head, placing a light kiss on the back of her hand, "You are not what I expected." He told her truthfully.

"Good." She said as she stood. She had to have some distance between them, she was true with her words she had some things to think about. Then there was the slight jump of her heart when he kissed the back of her hand, she filed that away to look at later also. Yes, she wanted to see where things led with him, she just didn’t know if she was ready for that end.

********

That evening there was an electrical storm that knocked out the power. Hermione had set a few candles in his room before going back to the sitting room. He was reading when he thought he heard something, lowering the book he listened carefully. He heard crying, and knowing that they were the only ones in the house he went to see what was wrong.

He found her sitting on the sofa, staring at the wall in front of her, a box of tissues in her lap. He quietly walked up before sitting beside her, causing her to jump.

"Sorry." He said to her when she turned to look at him.

She just shook her head, not really able to talk through her tears.

Finally Severus asked, "What's wrong?"

"I…" she blew her nose, throwing the tissue on the side table before continuing , "I was just thinking about the final battle. I really haven’t given it much thought, and it just kind of came crashing down on me tonight."

Severus laid his arm on the back of the sofa, dropping his hand to her shoulder. He had always kind of shied away from weeping women. It was because usually they had nothing to cry about, the few times he's seen her upset she had good reason to be.

"What happened?" No one had told him what happened during the final battle, he only knew what happen in the boathouse, and that was because he asked her. He really wanted to know how the Dark Lord finally fell.

"Can you be a little more specific?" she didn’t want to recount the entire battle, she didn’t think she could.

"How did the Dark Lord finally die?"

"I honestly don’t really know, I was with Ron, trying to kill Nagini. When I looked up Voldemort was turning to ash, Ron…" she trailed off, she didn’t know if she could tell him.

"What happened?" Severus asked quietly, he knew that she might deal with it better if she talked about it tonight.

"Bellatrix hit Ron with some kind of cutting curse that wouldn’t heal." Hermione licked her suddenly dry lips, she had tried not to think about this since it happened. Her nightmares were another story, she saw this almost every night. "He was standing beside me, Neville had just killed Nagini, and then Ron fell. He… he bled out faster than you were when… Neville and I both tried, but we couldn’t stop the bleeding. He was dead in a few minutes, before anyone could really do anything for him."

Hermione started crying again, and Severus pulled her closer to him. He knew the pain of losing a friend, he understood it.

"I miss him. At times he could be an immature prat that only cared about food and Quidditch, he made mistakes, and couldn’t let go of the past, but… he was my friend, and I loved him." Hermione couldn’t stop the tears again, "It's hard to go to The Burrow, knowing he's not there, when they are all still mourning him, and it's just so sad."

Severus didn’t really know what to say to make her feel better, he knew nothing but time would heal her. She sat there for sometime after her tears stopped before finally saying,

"I have terrible nightmares from what I've seen, there is always so much blood either on the ground or the floor of the boat house. You know, when you're there in the midst of it, you don’t have time to think about it. It's when things calm down that it all comes back, it was two days before things were settled and we were here. The nightmares were awful, it's why I started just staying up at night to sit with you. I couldn’t face going to bed only to dream of loss and blood." Hermione didn’t know what else to say, she wanted to answer his question, she just really had not paid attention to how the Dark Lord finally died.

"I'm sorry to be the cause of some of your nightmares--" he was cut off by Hermione saying,

"Don’t you dare. Things happen the way they were meant to happen. My nightmares are getting better, at least it's not every night now. You’re here anyway, it kind of negates that nightmare now."

Severus was surprised by her admission. "I wish I could tell you in time you'll never have another nightmare about the battle. I cannot. I still have them about things that happened twenty years ago, though it's not often anymore."

Hermione finally smiled when she turned to look at him. She was struck by how much younger he looked now, and the way the candle light was reflected in his eyes. She had  a fleeting thought of what his eyes would hold in the moments before he-- she cut that thought off before it fully formed, it was the last thing she needed to be thinking of at this moment.

"I know in time it will get better, it has only been four months, after all. You know, if you want to know what really happened to Voldemort, you need to ask Harry. He was the only one that was paying attention, everyone else was kind of busy."

Severus stared at her for long moments, the candle light was taking his thoughts to places they really didn’t need to go right now. The only thing he could think to justify it to himself was that he was a man and he had his arm around a beautiful young woman.

"I'll keep that in mind."


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; Emory Lee, and pigwidgeon37 on LiveJournal and expectosemprapatronum, Who all worked on the betaing of this fic. I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time.
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Hermione was making her third visit to the Burrow since Severus admitted that he had once loved Lily. She felt as if she was searching for something, but she couldn’t figure out what she was looking for, or why.

She believed Severus when he said that he had confused lust and love. Hadn’t she seen enough people her age do that very same thing? Had she not done that very same thing? She didn’t doubt that he cared for Lily, she was his best friend. She could put herself in his place, what if the same thing happen to her? She tried to look at it from Lily's perceptive as well, but that tended to make her upset that she treated Severus in such a way. She knew the pressure that friends could put on you. Harry and Ron had both done the same to her while they were on the run. What she didn’t understand was Lily not standing up for her long time friend.

She was looking out over the pond... The very same one that had carried Ron's funeral pyre away. She did miss him.  Molly had always read too much in their friendship, she wanted Hermione for a daughter. Hermione loved Molly with all her heart, but she knew that she and Ron were not cut out for a relationship like that. Not after everything that happened while they were hunting Horcruxes.

"Are you okay, Hermione?" Harry asked when he stopped beside her on the bank of the pond.

"Severus told me about the memories that he showed you…" she hesitated, not sure if to say 'about your mum' or to use her name, "About Lily."

"I'm sorry." Hermione turned to him, wondering what in the world he had to be sorry about when it came to the memories Severus shared with him.

"What do you have to be sorry for?"

"I know you care about him." Hermione was surprised by the look of pity that crossed Harry's face. Severus had been right; they wore their emotions for the world to see. At this moment she didn’t like it at all, not when it came to this conversation, he did not need to feel sorry for her. Hell, she didn’t even feel sorry for herself, conflicted yes, but sorry? No.

"Harry... yes, I do care for him. I think maybe he told me more than what you saw; no, I will not tell you what that was." There was no way she was going to betray Severus' confidence in her.

"But if he has not been able to let her go in twenty years what makes--" Hermione cut him off, she knew memories could be altered, or at least the perspective you had skewed them.

"I think he loved your mum, Harry, but put yourself in his place. We are young and we've seen people our age confuse lust and love." Hermione said.

"You think that is what he did?" Harry was surprised by her statement. He put his hands into the pockets of his jeans, finding the ground at his feet very interesting at the moment.

"I think that he was not very loved at home and latched onto the first thing that returned his affections. You both have more in common than  you ever thought you did." Hermione knew that neither man would admit to having _anything_ in common, but she also knew that Harry not spreading Severus' private memories around gained him a measure of respect with Severus.

"What makes you say that?" Harry asked as he looked up at her again. Hermione saw that he really didn’t believe her.

"You both grew up in a home where no one really cared for you, or the people who were supposed to didn’t. You and Ron became friends because you both had things in common, though they came from different factors." Hermione thought about this many times while they were in school, Harry and Ron seemed so different from one another, yet they both got on well.

"What do you mean?" Harry wished at times he understood how Hermione's mind worked, she always saw things that other missed.

"You both wore hand-me-downs: Ron because he came from a big family, you because your aunt didn’t care enough to take you clothes shopping. It was different, but the same also, it's hard to explain." She took a breath.

"Still, think about it. What if some girl had come along before you ever knew about magic and told you that you were a wizard, and wanted to spend time with you. She wanted to be your friend, even though she knew where you came from. Would you not have jumped at the opportunity to have a friend then?"

"I suppose you're right." Hermione knew by his quiet answer that he was gaining an understanding of what she was explaining to him.

"That is what I think it was like for him. Then, add in the marauders who-- Harry James Potter!" Hermione interrupted herself when she remembered what Severus had told her about his Pensive.

Harry knew that voice, and knew he was about to face an upset Hermione for something he had done wrong. It was an undeniable fact that he loved Hermione like a sister and she would tell him when he did wrong just like a sister would. .

"You looked into Snape's Pensive, do you know--" She was interrupted by Harry saying,

"Yes, and yes, I do know. How did you find out?"

"Severus told me. He thought I already knew about what you saw. He seemed a little surprised when I didn’t know anything about it." It didn’t hurt that it also helped with Severus' past misconceptions about Harry.

"I never told anyone, I couldn’t. It was the day that I found out the truth, not what everyone had been telling me, about my father. He was nothing more than a bully in school, and Sirius was right there with him. It's was an eye opener. No matter what Snape thinks, no one deserved to be treated like that. Hell, I could even see why he said what he did to my Mum; I don’t know if I would have done less if it had been me."

Hermione was surprised by this, and it must have shown on her face because the next thing he said was. "I know Ron called you that, and compared to what happened then, it was really over nothing. You forgave him, in time; the thing I can't figure out is why my mum never forgave Snape. I even asked Sirius about it once; he went off on a tangent about how Snape was bad, and got everything he deserved. He made it almost sound like they used her to get back at him."

"Maybe you should have asked Remus." Harry looked down at his feet, which Hermione knew was a sign that he really didn’t want to talk about the last of his parents' friends. ,

"Maybe I should have."

"You really should talk to Severus about that, too." Hermione said, knowing that the man living at her house was not the professor they had all feared when they were in school.

"Yeah, I was thinking about that too. I know he doesn’t like me, I think I remind him too much of my father."

Hermione knew that Harry was probably right, but she had seen a change in Severus,  and his growing respect for Harry's actions that proved the boy was not his father.

"So you don’t think that he still has feelings for my mum?" Harry asked, interrupting her thoughts.

"I didn’t say that. Will you always have feelings for Ron?" she asked, knowing the answer.

"Well, yes. He was my best friend." Harry seemed surprised by the question.

"There is your answer." There were times that Hermione had to let them figure things out for themselves, and this seemed like one of them.

"You just don’t think that he loved her that way."

"No, I don’t. I think it's like how I felt about Ron. I will always love him but we missed our chance, if we even had one. However, that doesn’t mean that I didn’t love him as a friend, that I won’t always love him that way. Does that make sense?"

"Yes, it does."

They sat on the bank. staring out over the water for sometime before returning to the house.

********

Severus sat at the table with Richard, the chess board between them. The game was just an excuse to talk, at least to Severus it was. He thought that maybe it was the same for the doctor too.

"I'd like to ask you about something in your role as a doctor." Severus said as he removed his hand from the pawn he had just moved.

"Sure," Richard answered, looking over the board.

"You know that in the mornings my hand and fingers are numb and it takes time to get the feeling back in them. Does that carry over to other appendages as well?" Severus was a little uncomfortable discussing this at all, but it was a damn sight better than talking to Poppy about it. It was also something that he didn’t want to admit to himself, let alone anyone else. But after weeks of trying to bury thoughts about it he felt it was time to gain some advice from Richard.

Richard looked at Severus trying to decipher what it was  the dark haired man across from him was trying to ask. Finally he understood, "You mean morning erections?" Richard asked in a voice that told Severus he was in doctor mode now.

"Yes." Was all Severus could say before lowering his head over the chess board to hide his embarrassment.

"It's not uncommon for men to become impotent after a traumatic injury, and yours was very traumatic. I would think it would return in time with the potion that Poppy has been giving you to repair nerve damage." Richard folded his hands together setting them on the table.

"But you can't say how long that would take." Severus asked the chess pieces.

Richard didn’t mention Severus not meeting his eyes; he had enough experience to know that most men were downright embarrassed to talk about anything having to do with erectile  problems.

"No, I can't, but you've come a long way in only five months."

"I see." It was not the answer that Severus hoped for, but it was the one he expected.

"Severus, don’t let that stop you from perusing a relationship." Richard said, guessing what the other man was thinking.

"What if it never…" Severus trailed off, not knowing if he even wanted to voice the question let alone get an answer to it.

"It will, in time. At times I wonder if you really realize how badly you were injured." Severus recovery was much faster than any Muggle's would have been.

"But she's young; she's going to want that in time." Severus' biggest fear as he started to care for this Hermione and not the woman in his dream was that she would reject him, and he honestly didn’t know if he'd survive a second rejection in his life.

"Can I give you some advice?" Richard asked as he sat back in his chair.

He nodded for him to continue.

"Don’t second guess her; don’t think you know her mind. Women are much happier with an evening on the sofa with a cuddle. Men tend to think more along the line of our vitality and that because we want sex they do too. It's not the case, there is a saying I heard that is true; 'women give sex for love, men give love for sex'. I'll tell you what I would tell any patient in your place: be honest, communication is the most important thing. Be sure she knows that you care for her without any physical love being given from her, the biggest mistake we all make is that we never let the other know what we expect and never find what is expected of ourselves."

Severus knew this was true, he just didn’t know if he would be able to have that conversation with Hermione or not, even later.

"Hermione is a smart girl, and I really don’t think she is like most young women. You worked in a boarding school, you know how young people are. Did you ever catch her in that type of situation?"

Severus smirked; no he had never caught her in one of the empty classrooms or an alcove that the couples frequented. Maybe Richard was right.

"I see  your point."

"Good, now would you take your turn already? I think I might finally have a strategy that will work." Richard said, smiling. They had played to several draws but the doctor had never been able to gain the upper hand though.

Severus smiled, they were evenly matched with this game, but they were always trying to outdo the other. In his life Severus really never had a male friend. Yes, Lily had been his best friend and at the time he talked with her about everything. But in his adult life he could honestly say that all he ever had were people he had to associate with, or people who wanted something from him. Never would he have went to one of them with questions such as this, how could he? It would display a weakness, and that was something that would have gotten you killed among the Death Eaters. There was Albus, but that man only wanted what Severus could do for him, not give him someone to talk to about personal problems.

********

In the following days Severus was grateful that he didn’t need a constant companion any longer. He had the time to  examine his life as it was now without interruption. He wanted to know for certain before things went further if his feelings for Hermione were true, or residual memories left from the dream and had no real bases in reality.

They had spoke of dating on her birthday, but since the day she took him on that picnic, which he thought might have been a date. They had barley had meals together, there was no mention of dating. He thought that maybe he had been a bit too open about his past and his emotions at the time. One of the questions that kept coming to mind was what did Hermione expect, he had a past, he had loved - or thought he had, and lost. There were comments she made that had him thinking she also had something that hurt her in the past, but she wasn’t forthcoming with the details.

Maybe this was just an old fool's folly, thinking that he wanted that life after everything he had done in the past. What kind of life would that be for her? To everyone but a select few he was dead. He didn’t think he could ever give her the life she deserved.

The sound of the front door opening drew him out of his thoughts he looked up just as Potter entered the sitting room. "Hermione's not here." Severus said sharply, irritated that his small amount of solitude was interrupted.

"I know, I came to talk to you." Potter said as he laid his coat across the chair before taking a seat on the sofa.

"I can’t say that I have not been expecting this." Severus said, knowing full well what the young man wanted.

"And what is it you expect?" Potter asked calmly, he had learned in the last few months that some people could be thrown off if you stayed calm.

"That you want me to tell you more about your mother." Severus knew the second those memories were in Potter's hands that he would want to know more. Of course Severus thought he would be dead and not have to answer any uncomfortable questions about them.

"Well, there is that, but that is not the reason I am here today. I came to apologize for looking into your Pensive. I invaded your memories and it was wrong to do so. I never told anyone what happened or what I saw, how could I? I… that night was the night that I knew why you hated me so much. Everyone had told me what a great man my father was, I never heard of anything he did wrong. But what I saw… it shattered every illusion I held, what I saw was how my cousin bullied me." Harry looked down at his hands when he finished speaking, he was still embarrassed by what he had done then.

Severus was so stunned that he didn’t have any idea what to say. He never would have  expected this, or how Potter spoke against his father or his cousin. When Harry stopped speaking Severus said,

"Surely your Aunt--"

"You've met her, what do you think? She mellowed with age? She was always jealous of my mum, and that came over into how I was treated. Or that is what I thought. No, it was true, but she was also angry that magic took her sister from her, and she took it out on me. But that is off the subject, I only came to tell you that I was wrong for what I did." Harry didn’t want to wander off into other subjects right now, this was the only reason he came, and he would stay on this subject.

Severus studied a painting on the wall for several minutes; finally he had his thoughts in order, "Very well, we all do things in our youth that we regret later. I'm just not sure if you regret looking into the Pensive, or that it ruined your image of your father."

"Both, but it still remains that I should have never looked at your private memories. It's an invasion of privacy that should have never happened. But, it also taught me that Sirius, Remus, and even the Headmaster told a one-sided story to me. Not once was I told what  bullies they really were, when I asked Sirius about it… you know, it doesn’t matter what he said."

"I can imagine what the mutt said," Severus said, hoping that would lead the boy to assuage his curiosity.

"It's not what he said, but more of the impression I got." Harry remembered that night well, it was the first time he had the impression that Sirius was not entirely mentally stable.

"Which was?" Severus wondered a moment why he even cared what Black thought about him, it's not like it had mattered before now.

"That you got what you deserved, he gave me the impression they used my mum to do it. It took me until last year to figure out why." Harry had chosen before he ever came here to be honest with his former Professor, he just didn’t know how the man would take the truth as Harry saw it.

"Why was that?"

"You were friends with Regulus."

Severus was so shocked that he didn’t even hide it, and said the first thing that came to his mind.

"What?"

"Sirius was not well, I think Azkaban… Well, you know how it made some prisoners mental. When I asked Sirius he went on a tangent, trying to decipher what he really said took time. What it came down to was you were friends with Regulus, and he lost his brother."

"Well, I'll be damned." Was all Severus could think to say. He would have never thought that Black did many of the things he did because of jealousy.

They sat in silence for some time before Harry spoke again,."I think they went after you so much to push you over the edge, to finally say or do something that my mum wouldn’t forgive you for."

Severus looked over at the young man sitting on the sofa before, When the young man had become so observant.

"I knew that." What else could he say? He knew, was even advised, that that was exactly what the marauders were doing. Well, it was what Potter and Black were doing. He never thought that Remus or Pettigrew were in on it, but more so, were just followers.

"I don’t know if I can ever tell you about Lily." Severus finally said.

"I don’t expect you to. I've got to run; I just dropped by to apologize." Harry said as he stood putting his jacket on, he had said what he came to say, and in no way wanted to push for more.

Severus said nothing as Potter left, he was lost in his thoughts of what happen in the past.

When Hermione came in hours later she came into the dark sitting room, not saying a word she left again. He heard her in the kitchen, he smirked. If he didn’t want a supper out of a box he needed to get in there. For all that is taught at Hogwarts, cooking is not one of them, and of all the accomplishments that Hermione has mastered, cooking does not seem to be one of them.

 

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; Emory Lee, and pigwidgeon37 on LiveJournal and expectosemprapatronum, Who all worked on the betaing of this fic. I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time.
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

"Would you like to take a walk after supper? You've been doing great around here; maybe it's time to start building your endurance back." Hermione had talked with Richard this afternoon about it. He told her that as long as Severus didn’t over do it, then it should be fine just to take it slow.

She had taken the plates out of the cabinet and was setting  the table when he said.

"That would be fine." then he turned, leaning against the counter.

"Did I say or do something to put this distance between us?" He had to know --and for all his Slytherin cunning – he wanted a straight and honest answer, which would take a straight forward question.

"What do you mean?" she asked, dropping slowly into the chair at the table.

"Don’t do that, you are a bright woman. Don’t play like you don’t know." He crossed his arms over his chest giving the impression of closing himself off.

Hermione knew he would ask her this in time, she had been thinking a lot about his past and her own. "I don’t mean to, but I also want you to have the opportunity to lay your past to rest or keep it alive, which ever you want to do. I'm happy that you trust me enough to tell me what happened then, but it also gives me pause."

Severus studied her for several minutes. "Why? What happened in your past?" If he knew anything it was not to say just because she was young that she didn’t have a past. He knew first hand that you could have a past at eighteen.

Hermione sighed, she knew she would tell him. He trusted her with his secrets, she was sure that she could trust him with this one.

"We can agree that I'm bookish, that unlike the Lavender Browns of this world, I care more about learning than what I look like while doing it. I met a guy, three summers ago. He started out all sweet and nice, I snuck around to see him. Dad would have had a fit knowing that I was seeing someone and not doing something to further my education. Anyway, I fell for him – hard. I gave him the whole of my heart, only for him to give it back to me shattered. When I look back on it I can see that he told me what he thought I wanted to hear, what all girls like to hear. I was so stupid at the time, I believed it all. I was crushed when he broke it off with me and laughed at me as he said 'why would he want a girl like me when he could -and had- a woman'. I found out that his wife was out of the country on business for the summer, and he lied to me about his age also."

"Hermione, not all men are like that. Not all men are out to be…" he trailed off not really knowing how to say what he wanted to convey.

"To bed a virgin?" Hermione knew that for all he had seen or said he still, at times, seemed so old fashioned to her.

"Well, yes." He was shocked by how straight forward she was, though he didn’t let it show.

"I don’t know if it's that that bothers me, or the fact that it took almost a year to put myself back together again, and that now I'm jaded and wouldn’t give my whole heart to someone. I would have to keep some little part of myself back to rebuild when they left." It was a horrible experience, trying to find some part of herself to rebuild the life she knew, it still didn’t mean that she trusted her own judgment when it came to her heart. She just learned to live and be very careful.

Severus turned off the burner, moving the pan before coming over to sit across from her, laying his hand on hers, "I know that feeling; maybe we are better off for now just being friends. I'm sorry that telling you about Lily upset you." It had been the last thing he wanted to do, but it seemed to him that it's what he did.

"No, it didn’t upset me, it just gave me a lot to think about. But I don’t want you to not tell me either, I want to know these things just as I want you to know things about me also. I just don’t know about telling them all at once."

Hermione knew in that moment she had been right that night on the floor of the boat house, he would understand all of the things that she had done.

Severus squeezed her hand, "I don’t know either, but I do know that I am comfortable with the way things are right now, and don’t want that to change." He found that he was, whether it be a good thing or a bad thing, he didn’t know. He found that he enjoyed the easy affection that she shared with him, and he was finding it easier to share the same with her.

"Then it will not change, Now, how about supper and a walk?"

Severus gave her a small smile before they both stood, finishing supper.

*****

When they returned to the house minutes after leaving for their walk, Severus was upset with himself, a half a block was as far as he could go before they turned around and came back.

He was out of breath and panting by the time he sat on the sofa. He was agitated that he couldn’t walk further, or that he couldn’t breathe either.

Hermione hung up their jackets before coming into the sitting room, she wanted to be encouraging, and she had thought he did well. "You did great for the first time."

Severus looked up at her before snapping at her. "Just leave me alone."

Hermione moved back at the tone of voice he used, she hadn’t heard it since that first time he woke up. She moved to the doorway before saying calmly, "I think I'll do just that."

Severus heard the front door open and close, he leaned back on the sofa, finally able to breathe normally again. He threaded his fingers though his hair before growling, he used to be able to walk the whole of Hogwarts Castle, and now he couldn’t walk the length of four closely spaced houses.

What he was glad that he could hide from Hermione was the way his muscles shook by the time he made it to the sofa. Hell, he didn’t think he'd be able to go further even if he tried. He hated being weak and loathed showing any weakness. He had spent years not showing any, to now having everyone see just how weak he was.

He finally made it to his room, lying on the bed sleep eluded him, and it was several hours before he figured out why. Hermione wasn’t home yet, he finally heard the front door open and her quietly walking through the house to her own room.

Once he was sure she was safe he turned over allowing sleep to claim him quickly.

********

It had been two weeks since Hermione had told him about having her heart broken, since they started taking daily walks. He was still upset with his body. He could barely make it four blocks before he was breathing heavily, like some chain smoking alcoholic like his father.

This night found him in the same shape, sitting at the kitchen table as Hermione placed a bottle of water in his hand.

"You know, Severus, you are doing great." Hermione was trying to be encouraging, but she was getting a little tired of having her head bitten off for her trouble.

"Right, I use to be able to go to the Dark Lord, be cursed, and still be able to walk the whole castle. Now I can barely make it two blocks before I have to come back here."

Hermione closed her eyes, she had her back to him, and to her it always seemed to be the same thing. He would complain about the same thing every day. Finally she turned, saying,

"You almost died. I was there, and I continue to be there every damn night in my dreams. And even after that, after we brought you here, I still thought you were going to die. It's going to be slow getting back to where you were at the end of the war, but I have no doubt that you will get there in time." Hermione found herself speaking calmly, even though she had wanted to yell at him for being an idiot in thinking that he was weak. She only saw him as far from anything that could be described as weak.

Severus stared at her; there was no malice in her voice when she spoke, just fact, and maybe her belief that he would get better in time. He stood, going to her; she was standing with her back to him. He laid a hand on her shoulder, "I don’t mean to upset you; I've just never been very good when it comes to patience." He really had not meant to upset her, though he knew he did every night when they came back from their walks.

She moved, looking toward him, "I know, I'm the same way but-" She took a deep breath hoping to get the words she wanted to say past the lump that seemed to want to choke her at the moment. "You were injured, badly. I think it's going to take time to recover from that."

He watched as she turned her head away, trying to wipe a tear that escaped before he saw. He moved his hand to her other shoulder pulling her toward him; he was surprised when she laid her head on his chest, wrapping an arm around his waist.

"I'm sorry I am the cause of your nightmares." He said quietly as he rubbed his hand up and down her back. He heard her make a sound that he thought was meant to be a short laugh, but sounded more like a just a puff of air.

"It's more that if you had died then I wouldn’t have the friend that I have now. God, that sounds selfish, doesn’t it?" Hermione hadn’t realized how selfish it did sound until she heard the words out loud. She hadn’t known him really, before the final battle, but since he woke up she had, at the very least, found a friend in her former Professor.

"I don’t think so," he said quietly. "I value our friendship also."

She smiled at him before stepping away  to start supper, which he took over.

The next day Hermione was sitting at the table early in the morning. The nightmare had woken her again, and she couldn’t get back to sleep. She thought over the last several weeks. Severus had told her parts of the dream he had had, but she felt he was leaving out most of it. Oh, she had heard about how she had cut her hair, and that she did freelance research, and that between the marriage law, and them being happy something had happened. But he didn’t seem willing to tell her what, and it was driving her crazy.

That afternoon when they came back from their walk and Severus had settled, she sat at the table with him,

"Tell me something about this dream."

Severus looked up at her. He had told most of the small things; images that were mild, things that wouldn’t change how things were right now.

"Hermione…" He trailed off hoping that she wouldn’t push him for details right now, he still wasn’t sure he was comfortable with them himself.

"Oh come on, I want to know what changed your view of me." Hermione was tired of the way he always tried to dance around the subject, how he was always giving her little bits instead of something meaningful.

"Hermione, do you forget that I was a Death Eater? That my mind supplied things that even have me worried?" Maybe if he gave her something to think about she wouldn’t want the dirty details yet.

"Like what?" Hermione knew there was something that he was keeping back, she wanted to know what that was. She watched him as he thought about what to tell her, and what to keep back. He had always said that Gryffindors were easy to read, but she had found that the longer that she was in the company of Severus the easier he became for her to read.

Severus knew that he was not going to be able to just tell her small things any longer so he told her about how they came about being married, how the defender had lied to them both, but that he didn’t know that fact at the time. He wrapped his hands around his mug as he told her how he gave her a bedroom in his house, and basically told her that he really didn’t care what she did, but how he would give her looks that told her he wasn’t happy whenever she tried to bring something personal there. When he finished he didn’t want to raise his eyes from the table.

"Severus." She said, but he still wouldn’t raise his head.

He jumped when she laid her hand on his saying his name again; finally he looked up at her. He thought he would see hatred in her eyes, or at the very least, anger. Nothing could have prepared him for the understanding he saw there, or for the words she said.

"Severus, it was only a dream. You know you didn’t do those acts, and neither did I. As a matter of fact, I would hope that you know me well enough by now to know that I wouldn’t force something like that on you. That I would have demanded to see you or nothing would have happened." She had been surprised by what he told her. Did he really think that she would do anything like that to him, or anyone for that matter?

He had no idea what to say, he didn’t think she would be that understanding about his dream. But he only told her a small part of what happened in his mind.

"Don’t be so quick to judge, it got worse before it ever got better."

"Doesn’t everything? But still, it was only a dream. This is reality, and so far nothing is like it was in your dream."

He knew she was right; he squeezed her hand then stood, pulling her up out of her chair, before wrapping his arms around her. He had no idea why at this moment, but he needed the contact from her, maybe it was to sooth himself after telling her just that small portion of his dream.

"Are you okay Severus?" she asked as she hugged him. She was worried, it was the first time he ever hugged her of his own accord when she was not upset about something.

"Yes." He said as he stepped back from her.

That night as they both sat reading, "Do you think you would be okay if we moved your room upstairs?" She had been thinking about this for the last week; she felt he needed to be in a bedroom and not the office any longer. The only question was if he could navigate the stairs, but they could always work around that – they were magical after all.

"Tired of me taking up your office?" he asked as he smirked at her, teasing.

"No, but I thought you might like to have your own room. You seem to do okay with the stairs now."

He thought she was keeping him on the main floor because she didn’t want him upstairs while she slept.

"Tomorrow we will change my old bedroom into something for you, I'm sure the pinks my mother insisted on when I was nine wouldn’t suit you very well." She was trying to get him to rise to the bait, but he only said.

"Pink? I wouldn’t think that would suit you either."

"I hated it, but when I told her I wanted green she said all girls’ rooms should be pink, and my dad stepped in saying it would be whatever color they chose, since he was paying for it." Hermione had always hated that, they would ask then do as they pleased anyway.

"Then why bother asking you what you wanted?" Severus didn’t understand why someone would ask just to do it their way in the end. He closed the book he was holding, thinking this conversation was going to take longer than he thought at first.

"I have no idea, unless Mum thought I would choose pink. My room had always been some shade of pink, I was quite tired of it." Why her mum would have thought that was beyond her, she had told her enough times that she was tired of seeing pink everywhere.

Severus wondered again what her parents were like.

"I thought your parents were both dentists?" He had remembered hearing this among the gossip at Hogwarts.

"They were. Mum was twenty years younger than Dad. He paid for her to go to school after I was born, and then she worked in their practice." Hermione knew it was more like his practice and mum was just an employee.

"So he controlled all the money?" Severus asked, sure he was starting to not like her father.

"Pretty much." Hermione really didn’t want to talk about her parents, it was still a sore spot with her. Yes, her dad had been strict, but he hadn’t been abusive. He could be harsh in his words, but she remembered happy times in this house. When she felt Severus' hand on hers she looked up at him, "It was not all bad, I remember birthday parties and going for ice cream. Then there was game night, it was always fun."

Severus didn’t say anything, he knew that if he tried he could bring up memories of times when his father wasn’t drunk and they had times like that also.

"Anyway, it's in the past, and I want to concentrate on the future. So what colors do you think for your room?" She had to get off the subject of her parents, it was still the one thing that upset her greatly.

He knew she was changing the subject; he had no words of wisdom for her where her parents were concerned, so he let her.

"Maybe blues." He said knowing that she was going to think he would say green or some such color or maybe even black and that thought caused him to smirk.

He heard her gasp, looking up at her she had her hand over her heart before smiling and saying,

"What, no black, or maybe green and silver?"

"And what color is your room, if I may ask?" Her admission of wanting a green room dispelled his thoughts of her having a red and gold room.

"Come on, I'll show you."

He drew his brows together but followed her up the stairs, when she opened the door to her bedroom, which he assumed once belonged to her parents. He was met with shades of purple and very dark green, almost so dark that he thought it was black at first.

"What, no gold and red?"

"Yuck, no, I don’t know how I am going to survive next year when I go back to sit my NEWTs, having to go back to a room that is decorated in those colors."

Severus was hit with the thought that this young woman, that he cared for, still had a year of school yet to finish. He was also hit with what he was going to do once she went back to Hogwarts, he had no desire to live at Spinner's End any longer, and he couldn’t go back to Prince Manor.

He took a step back without realizing it.

"Severus? What's wrong?" Hermione asked, he could hear the concern in her voice but he couldn’t tell her the truth.

"Nothing, I think I will retire for the night." With those words he left her standing in the door way of her bedroom, watching his retreating form.

Once he was shut in the office he let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. What in the world was he doing? She wasn’t finished with school yet, and he wanted to make her his! He had no problem with her wanting an education; she could do or be anything she wanted. He didn’t care about that, but this just brought to him how young she really was. He didn’t want to be in control of her, he just wanted to be with her. But she also needed to live some. Hell, if he was honest with himself, so did he.

He went from Hogwarts to Death Eater then right back to Hogwarts; yes he might have done things. Terrible things, but he really hadn’t lived either. Maybe this was all a mistake. He cared for her, of that he had no doubt. He knew in the end he would do what must be done, it was the one thing he always knew how to do.

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; Emory Lee, and pigwidgeon37 on LiveJournal and expectosemprapatronum, Who all worked on the betaing of this fic. I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time.
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

By the first of December Severus was able to walk a mile without being winded, Hermione had been right, once he got stamina back it was easier to gain on the walking. They would walk to the store or the coffee shop every afternoon now.

He had told her more about his dream, the parts that he was ashamed of, which was most of it. But the ones that shamed him the most he told in small parts. He was always surprised that she was never angry about what he told her, or repulsed by what his mind came up with. She would just tell him it was only a dream, and this reality turned out very different.

He had already told her about taking a potion in front of her to make her believe that was the only way he was able to have sex with her, about the lingerie that she would buy thinking that he would be more amendable if she wore them, because he told her so. He told her how he had degraded her when she did wear them calling her a whore. He told her about the journal she left, and what he had read in it.

Tonight he planned on telling about what happen the time he brought some woman there. He still wasn’t sure about any of this, but after every part he told her, she just moved on never judging him and, telling him how this was different.

*******

Hermione was done with her work at Gringotts, today was her last day and though she worked to help rebuild the bank that they destroyed she was glad to be finished. She had no idea what she was going to do with her time now, she had no idea how to give Severus his space that she was sure he needed. She had thought about setting up a potions lab in the basement for him, at least he would be able to escape her if she did. Maybe that would make a nice Christmas present for him.

She also knew something in their relationship had changed the night she showed him her bedroom, she still couldn’t figure out what that was, but he seemed to distance himself without distancing himself, if that even made sense. It drove her crazy trying to figure out what it was. She had gone over the conversation they were having a million times, and still she couldn’t come across one thing she did or said.

Maybe she just needed to ask him about it, she wondered if he would tell her the truth if she did ask, or would it all be wrapped up in words that meant nothing.

When she came in the house she knew that tonight was going to be another reveal as she started calling them. This dream of his caused him an untold amount of shame and he only told her little parts at a time. She never showed him how shocked she really was by the things his mind came up with to make her feel worthless, of course he always told her how he had been angry thinking that she had forced his hand. She thought he told her this so she wouldn’t be upset by what he was going to tell her that night.

No, she didn’t fear that he would ever treat her that way, yes he was short with her at times and snarky too, but nothing like he explained himself to be in that dream of his. She started wondering when it was going to turn around, he told her that he did change, and he worked to get her back. Now that she wanted to hear about.

She walked into the kitchen to see a conjured white rose on her plate that was another thing he did. She had about a dozen now sitting on her dresser in a vase of all different colors. They all held a meaning, and this was the third white one she had received. So friendship was on him mind today, or maybe he was worried about losing her friendship by what he was going to reveal tonight.

She sat down at the table, "Severus, can I ask you something?"

"Anything." He really did let her ask him anything now, answering was a different story though.

"What happen the night I showed you my bedroom?"

Severus knew in time she would ask this question, and he wasn’t sure he even had an answer for her. He knew he wanted to be truthful with her, but the truth could cost him her also. He was happy in this life he had now, and he put the fears he carried into the back of his mind, but it must not have been far enough.

He finished at the sink then turned to her, "I care for you Hermione, that night it dawned me how old you are. I would never stand between you, and any education you want. I just realized that you still have your seventh year and NEWT's to get through."

"I care for you too Severus, and I know you wouldn’t… the problem is that I'm going to be going back as a seventh year, and you were a teacher. I can see how that might seem to you." She had worried about this since the day they had went to her grandmother's house in the country. That was the day she knew she wanted, at the very least attempt a relationship with him.

"I never, not in the whole time I taught." He hadn’t either, no student ever turned his head. He made sure that he was above anything when it came to women. Plus, at the time he had all he could handle while he was still learning from Ellen. His thoughts were interrupted when Hermione said,

"Severus, I never thought you did or would. You've become my friend Severus, I like spending time with you, and I do care for you. If I am really honest…" Hermione wasn’t sure she should lay herself open to him like this so she stopped talking.

"If your honest what?" he asked wanting to know what she was going to say as he walked over sitting across from her.

Hermione swore to him that she would be honest with him.

"If I'm really honest I would like to take it a step further, but I'm also happy with the way things are right now. I enjoy our time together, and if it leads to something more, than it does, and if it doesn’t then that is fine too."

He gave her a slow smile, "I am also." Talk about being conflicted, he knew it was more than likely wrong to have a relationship with her at this moment. But, he couldn’t stop wanting it more than anything right now either.

He brought their supper over to the table, they ate and he told her of his dream. He told her of the day he brought a whore to his house just to show Hermione how little she really meant to him. He told her how it was all just a show to make her feel worthless, and how he hated himself after he had done it. Then he told her of the memory that she left in his house, and how she had reacted. When he told her that he watched in the memory as she cut herself he heard her fork hit her plate, and he looked up for the first time to see that all the color had drained from her face.

"Hermione, what's wrong?" He worried not only because that in everything he had told her she had never had that type of reaction to it, but also in that dream she was sick and had episodes like this. He watched as she pushed her chair from the table, and bent over.

He was scared now; he went to her squatting beside her chair putting his hand on her back saying.

"Tell me what's wrong."

Finally in a whisper she asked, "How did you know?"

He could hardly hear her, "Know what?"

When she looked up at him she had tears running down her face, and somehow he knew what she was talking about.

"I didn’t know." He said quietly, he truly didn’t have a clue that she had done anything like that.

"But…" she trailed off not able to speak.

"No, I didn’t know, I really didn’t Hermione." Maybe somewhere in the back of his mind he saw the signs and ignored them because she wasn’t his problem.

"But when you… In the boat house, I would have sworn that you knew and understood."

"Just because I didn’t know doesn’t mean that I don’t understand." He said to her quietly, yes he understood. He could even see how she would do it with the pressure her father put on her, he just did it for a different reason.

"You cut yourself?" she asked so quietly that he almost didn’t hear her.

"Yes." If it helped her he would be honest about it, very honest even if it terrified him to do so.

"But…but you are… you have…" she trailed off not knowing how to word what she wanted to say at the moment.

"Whatever adjective you are thinking doesn’t negate the fact that I was and am a messed up teenager and adult." He told her, thoughts about the last time he did such a thing running though his mind, and he was far from an adolescent at the time.

"I was going to say self-confident." It was a fact that she always knew, no matter what others thought he had confidence in himself.

"You are too. Would you tell me what led you to start cutting yourself?" He had a very strong feeling that talking about it would be good for both of them.

"I read a book…"

Severus tried not to bark out a laugh, and say 'of course you did.'

"... the girl in it cut herself, and the almost pleasure she described, the way she said it took her pain away. My father put a lot of pressure on me to do well already, when Christen did what he did to me that book ran through my mind and I wanted that. It felt like an escape, so I took it."

"Do you still--" she cut him off knowing what he was going to ask.

"Not for some time now, since before what was supposed to be my seventh year. Only because I was worried that Harry or Ron would find out about it, not because I wanted to stop."

He was still rubbing circles on her back when she asked, "What made you start?"

Now was his time to be honest, tell her something no one else knew.

"When Lily wouldn’t forgive me, then it got worse after I joined the Death Eaters, I was committing acts that I wanted no part of, and hated myself for them. The worse was the night Lily died, I wanted to die also, but something stopped me. That was the worse I had ever done to myself until the night I killed Albus."

He took a deep breath; he knew he needed to do this as much as she needed to know that he did understand. But, the next thing he knew he was sitting on the floor with her in his lap her arms around his neck as she hugged him. He wrapped his arms around her, and just held her.

He had no idea how long they had set there like that until she finally said quietly, "I ruined supper, I'm sorry."

"It was at an end, and I think we both needed this." He found that he believed the words that he told her, he did feel better that someone knew though he had always expected that Albus knew, and just had no idea what to do about it.

"We are both sort of broken." She said quietly, as she sat back and started to move off of him.

"That we are, but the question is can we be fixed." It was a thought he had pondered many times in the last several months.

"In time. Now I'll clean up the kitchen, and then I think I'm one for an early night." It was too much emotion, she wondered why that always seemed to wear you out more than physical labor did.

"I'll help you." Not ever wanting her to clean up after him, or think that he expected her to.

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; Emory Lee, and pigwidgeon37 on LiveJournal and expectosemprapatronum, Who all worked on the betaing of this fic. I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time.
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Several days later while they were out walking Hermione asked, "Would you mind skipping the rest of the bad things you did in your dream? I get that you were angry, and did many hurtful, and hatful things. Can we skip to something good, or how we ended up talking to one another again?" Hermione was tired of hearing about all the terrible things he had done, especially since it was only a dream. She wanted to hear something good that happen, she wanted to hear what happen to make him look at her differently.

He looked over at her while they strolled along the walking path at the park,

"I can do that Hermione, I just wanted… I want to be honest with you. I've had to hide myself for so long, hide what I was truly doing from the Dark Lord. Hide what I did for the dark lord from Albus, who didn’t want to know the dirty details as long as his spy got the job done. You’re the first person besides Minerva and Poppy that I've enjoyed being friends with, and I truly want to be honest with you." He knew all the awful things he did to her, the question was did she really need to know all of them also after all it was only a dream and he was starting to think that maybe it was time to move on from that.

"You are as far as I know. Severus, it was just a dream. None of it was real, though I have no doubt that it felt that way. You said that in the end of this dream we were together and happy, is that what you want?" Hermione had heard this from him several times and had wondered if he was speaking of her specifically, or was it just the idea of having the happy ending after everything he had been through in his life. She smiled, she never thought she would see the day that 'happy ending' and 'Severus Snape' would come up in the same thought, let alone the same sentence.

Severus had no idea how to answer her, yes that was what he wanted with her. Only with her, somehow he let his heart go, and found that she was the one who caught it.

"Yes." He finally answered her honestly.

She didn’t know if she wanted to know the answer to the next question that came to mind, but she ended up asking before she could stop herself. "But, you just don’t know with who?"

Severus didn’t stop, but kept glancing at her out of the corner of his eye. Did she not notice that he… he didn’t even know what to call what he felt at the moment. This was not the same woman from his dream, in many was she was different, but the same too, "No, I know who. It's just going to take time."

"Very well." She said, taking his hand as they left the park entrance walking down the sidewalk. "Tell me about what happened to cause you to search me out."

He told her about discovering in her journal that they were lied to by the defender, and how he went about asking if they could bring him up on charges for such an action. He told her how he tried to write to her, and she would return them unopened. Then how he finally showed up at her house, and she wouldn’t let him in and how he went to the back to get in. He told her how once she calmed some and her logic took over that she agreed to help and how that night she told him to stay or go but she went to bed.

"Well at least I put up some kind of fight." She said smiling at him.

"Of course you did." He said, squeezing her hand smirking at her as they returned to the house.

That evening she turned on the radio, and found a station before she started cleaning the sitting room. He came in from the kitchen watching her, she moved with a grace he had never noticed before. She was moving things around the Muggle way, he had asked her several weeks ago why she just didn’t use magic for housekeeping chores, her answer had been something about becoming lazy if you used magic for everything.

Severus leaned against the door frame watching her unnoticed, she had her riot of hair pulled back, and was looking through some papers in her hand as he watched her profile. She was a beautiful young woman, at times like now he felt like a lecherous old fool. Then, there were times like this afternoon when he forgot that she was twenty years younger, and still had yet completed school.

He didn’t think he had ever been this conflicted in his life, he wanted to hold her close, and keep her with him. At the same time he wanted to push her away, far away from him and his past. He knew she deserved better than him, but he also knew that he would give in to her when he was near her. Finally he asked, "What are you doing?"

She turned smiling at him before saying, "I think I want a tree, I want to clean up in here so I can decide where to put it." She put her arm out to encompass the room.

"And the music?" He asked, as he moved toward her.

"Helps pass the time as I work in here." She said, dropping the papers into the box at her feet.

"What do you need help with?" he asked, as he walked into the room very glad that she had not chosen Christmas music for this.

"If you could take the books on the coffee table back to the office that would be great. How so many of them end up in here I don’t know." She said, taking another stack of papers out of the cabinet under the bookshelf.

"We tend to go to bed before putting things up." He said honestly, they did tend to almost fall asleep reading in the sitting room, and were too tired to bother with them when they finally called it a night.

"I know, but I've always done this." She said, dropping the stack of papers she was holding into the box.

"Seems we have that in common." She looked over at him smiling; it was nice to share something with someone even if it was leaving books lying around the room.

By the time he had the books put away she had rearranged the furniture to leave an open area in the middle of the floor. Gone was the coffee table and one of the arm chairs when he looked at her she said,

"I never liked how my parents had this room arranged, I like open areas." She smiled as she turned a circle in the middle of the floor to demonstrate her point.

He walked to where she was standing by the arm chair without giving it a thought he held out his hand asking, "Would you care to dance?"

The song that just started on the radio was one she heard before, it had been one of her mums favorites, and she always felt as if it had another meaning than what she was suppose to take from it. It always felt as if her mum remembered another time, a time before her father.

She took his hand just as the words started, and she put her arm around his neck as he lowered his to her waist.

_So true  
Funny how it seems  
Always in time, but never in line for dreams  
Head over heels when toe to toe  
This is the sound of my soul  
This is the sound_

Hermione smiled when she laid her head on his shoulder, Severus was surprised that he hadn’t noticed until that moment that she came to his shoulder. This wasn’t a waltz, or any other dance she knew. It was more like swaying to music, and it was the best dance she had ever had.

_I bought a ticket to the world  
But now I've come back again  
Why do I find it hard to write the next line?  
Oh, I want the truth to be said_

Severus looked down at the top of her head; she meant more to him than he ever thought she would. He found that he didn’t care she was young. For the first time in a very long time he wanted something for himself. Being this close to her he allowed all his doubts to fly out the window, he just enjoyed this closeness. Then another thought occurred to him that scared him, for the first time in his adult life he was falling in love. Of course he banished that thought to the back of his mind to be looked at later, much later. Right now he just wanted to enjoy this moment.

_(Ha-ha-ha, ha-ah-hi)  
I know this much is true  
(Ha-ha-ha, ha-ah-hi)  
I know this much is true  
  
With a thrill in my head and a pill on my tongue  
Dissolve the nerves that have just begun  
Listening to Marvin (All night long)  
This is the sound of my soul  
This is the sound_

Hermione wondered, had been wondering for some time how much of her feelings were real. Or, if they were there because he had been telling her about his dream, and truly seemed regretful for what happened. His age scared her, not that fact that there were years that separated them, but experience. She tried to keep a lid on her feelings for him, telling him that if something more comes or not it wouldn’t matter. But, the riot of butterflies in her stomach whenever she thought about him told her more than anything else. She was in danger of falling and she really was more scared than at any battle she fought.

_Always slipping from my hands  
Sand's a time of its own  
Take your seaside arms and write the next line  
Oh, I want the truth to be known  
  
(Ha-ha-ha, ha-ah-hi)  
I know this much is true  
(Ha-ha-ha, ha-ah-hi)  
I know this much is true_

He knew the time until she returned to school would pass quickly, and that he wouldn’t stand in her way. He truly wanted to see her succeed in whatever she wanted to do. He wanted to be by her side was all, but he doubted that one would be conducive to the other.

_I bought a ticket to the world  
But now I've come back again  
Why do I find it hard to write the next line?  
Oh, I want the truth to be said  
  
(Ha-ha-ha, ha-ah-hi)  
I know this much is true  
(Ha-ha-ha, ha-ah-hi)  
I know this much is true  
  
This much is true  
  
(This much is a-true-oo)  
(This much is a-true-oo-oo)  
  
I know, I know, I know this much is true  
(This much is a-true-oo)  
(This much is a-true-oo-oo)  
  
(This much is a-true-oo)  
(Ha-ha-ha, ha-ah-hi)  
(This much is a true-oo-oo)  
I know this much is true  
(This much is a-true-oo)  
(Ha-ha-ha, ha-ah-hi)  
(This much is a true-oo-oo)  
Know this much is true  
(This much is a-true-oo)  
(Ha-ha-ha, ha-ah-hi)  
(This much is a-true-oo-oo)  
(Know this much is true)  
I know, I know, I know this much is true_

As the song ended he stopped, and she pulled back slightly to look up at him, she smiled a smile that he was sure she saved for him. She lightly pulled on the back of his neck, pulling him down closer to her then her lips lightly touched his in a chaste kiss that was over too quickly for him.

When she started to walk away he pulled her back to him kissing her in the same fashion before laying his forehead on hers saying.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" She had no idea what he was apologizing for.

"I didn’t mean to… I don’t want to…" he knew that she had had her heart broken. He knew that it was still a fragile thing, and he didn’t want to cause her any pain.

"Did you not enjoy our kiss?" she asked, trying to guess at what the problem was.

"The problem is I did." It was a problem to him, he wanted to take it further, but at the same time couldn’t. He tightened his hand on her waist for a moment.

"Then that is not a problem, Severus don’t ever be sorry for being honest with me." She wanted to say so much more at this moment, but knew better. She knew if you gave too much away then you lost all the power.

He moved until his nose lightly touched hers rubbing against hers before saying, "Then always be honest with me also." This is all he could offer her at this moment, and he expected it in return from her.

"You can count on it."

She gave a little tug on his hair making him stifle a groan before pulling away saying.

"It's getting late, and I have to do some shopping tomorrow."

"Very well, I'll see you in the morning."

He watched as she walked up the stairs before finding his way to the office, she had been showing him how to use the computer there and how to go online. He wanted to find her something very special for Christmas, for the first time in years he wanted to get someone something for the holiday. As a matter of fact he had a list, and a plan. He was going to ask Richard to help with Hermione's gift and Hermione had already offered to help him get the book that he wanted to give the doctor, and the few items he was getting for his friends. He was surprised by this thought, they were his friends not just people who had to care. It was a new experience for him.

Hermione couldn’t wait to close her bedroom door, soon as she was behind the door with a silencing charm up she smiled as she flopped on the bed. She had kissed him and he had kissed her, it was perfect for a first kiss. She had no idea how she was going to get to sleep tonight she was too wound up, finally deciding a bath might relax her she went to the master bath.

Severus spent a few hours looking for what he wanted, or what more precisely what would be perfect for her. Once he laid eyes on it he knew it was what he wanted her to have. When he passed her bedroom he noticed her door was cracked open, and he couldn’t help himself from peaking into her room to find her asleep, he stood there for some time watching her sleep. His mind going over dancing with her this evening and the kisses they shared.

She had kissed him, it took him by surprised. But, when she stepped away he knew that he wanted more of what she offered. He wanted her to be his, and that thought made him feel lighter than he had ever felt. But, at the same time he wanted things for her that he couldn’t give her. Sighing he finally turned to his room leaving the door open for the first time.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This song from this chapter is: [True By: Spandau Ballet](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xn_x1zqLj1k) It's a beautiful song, go listen to it;)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; Emory Lee, and pigwidgeon37 on LiveJournal and expectosemprapatronum, Who all worked on the betaing of this fic. I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time.
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Over the next few weeks they never had a chance to be alone again, every day brought someone by the house; Poppy to check on him and leave potions for him, Richard for the same reason, but the potions. Minerva came to ask a few questions about where things were in the Headmaster's office, but he knew that was a cover. She just came to check on him, and it made him feel good to know that she cared, and could put what happen with Albus and his year as Headmaster behind them. Potter seemed to spend more time there, but when he discovered the reason he couldn’t fault him. It would seem that the closer to the holiday it became the more depressing it was at the burrow.

"I don’t know Hermione," Harry said. "I don’t think any of them will agree to it."

"Make it a Christmas gift to the family. Tell them that you start Auror training after the first of the year and you'd like to take a small break before then." Hermione said, as she set a mug of tea in front of Harry taking her own seat.

"But where would I take them? And you know they will want you to go also." Harry knew beyond a doubt that Hermione wouldn’t leave Severus alone over Christmas.

"Go where?" Severus asked as he walked into the kitchen.

"We don’t know yet, and no I will not go, but I think a story would be in order to stay." Hermione said, picking up her mug to take a drink.

"You mean lie, I'm shocked Miss. Granger." Severus said with a mock expression of shock on his face. Hermione watched him as he took his own mug from the cabinet and poured himself tea.

"No I'm not going to lie; I'm going to spin a tale of… Fine I'm going to lie." Hermione said when Severus' eyebrow crept higher. "I just don’t want to spend this Christmas away from home."

Harry knew that she meant Severus, but he'd let her tell herself whatever she wanted too, finally he said,

"Mrs. Weasely acts like Hermione is a widow instead of a friend, she was so set on Ron and Hermione being together." Harry lowered his eyes when he noticed the shadow that crossed the Potions Master face.

Severus felt hurt; he wondered if she had been that close to the youngest Weasley male why she hadn’t said something, he thought as he set down in the chair beside Hermione.

Hermione noticed the look that crossed Severus face before saying,

"She had been hoping that Ron and I would get together, we both tried to tell her that it would never work, but she had her plans and we planned on talking with her after the war." Hermione said, "Especially after he took off while we were camping."

Severus had heard this story from Hermione one night, she had been upset that he left, but because of his reasons she thought he had been selfish, and by the way she talked he thought that Mr. Weasely had broken something in their relationship.

"How about the Bahamas’?" Hermione asked, turning to Harry.

"Could you really see that?" Severus said, as he took a sip of his tea.

"Good point." Hermione said.

"What about America? They have that theme park for Disney." Harry said, looking across the table smiling at the look that crossed Severus face, it might sound distasteful to the dark man, but the Weasley's might just enjoy something like that.

"That might be a good idea." Hermione said smiling at Harry.

"They have a park for a cartoon mouse?" Severus asked.

"They have more than Mickey Mouse," Hermione said, before turning to Harry saying, "We could check on the internet."

"Great." Harry said.

Severus watched them walk toward the office with a smile; he was going to get to spend Christmas with Hermione. It was a very long time since he had looked forward to something.

Severus took a cup of tea in the office when he went to find himself a book, he took a glance at the computer screen before shaking his head and heading back to the sitting room.

Hours later they came out, Hermione saw Harry off before sitting on the sofa saying, "That is done; they will be gone from Christmas Eve until New Year’s day."

Severus set his book aside, he wanted to ask her about her relationship with the youngest Weasley male. "Hermione, about Molly…" He was not sure how to even start this conversation, and found that he held tightly to the arms of the chair he was sitting in.

"Molly wants all her boys married and having babies. Yes, Ron was my friend. Yes, I loved him in that role. Yes, I do miss him at times. But that is all, we drove one another around the bend, and it was worse when we were camping. We both knew this, and had planned to sit Molly down to talk to her after the war was over, but that time will not come now, and I can’t hurt her like that after she lost him."

Severus could hear the pain in her voice, he understood missing friends that had long passed or even not so long, "I'm not saying you should."

"I know, I just feel kind of bad ditching them at Christmas like that. But, I don’t want to want to… I already have enough going on with what I did to my parents to deal with a grieving Molly Weasely right now."

Severus sat up in his chair leaning over he took her hand causing her to look up, "No one should expect you too."

She squeezed his hand before saying as she stood, "I think I'm just going to take a bath and go to bed. I'll see you in the morning."

Severus let her leave, he knew that she either had been or was on the verge of crying, and knew that she was trying to not make him uncomfortable by going. It was one of her qualities that he loved, but he also wanted to be the shoulder that she cried on.

He heard her before he reached the top of the stairs, she sounded as if she was in distress, and it quickened his steps as a million things ran through his mind the least not being the Death Eaters that had yet to be found. When he slowly moved to the open door of her bedroom he looked around the door frame to see only her in the middle of a nightmare.

He moved to the bed calling her name, when she didn’t respond he finally laid a hand on her shoulder,  "Hermione wake up."

She moved faster than he thought possible sitting up looking around the room wild eyed until her eyes set on him, her breaths were coming in pants. The next thing he knew she threw her arms around him saying, "There was so much blood."

Somehow he knew that her nightmare was because of him, he rubbed soothing circles on her back, "It was only a dream."

He had no idea how long they sat there like that until her sobbing calmed, he didn’t care. This was the third time in as many days that he knew that she had a nightmare, the other times he woke moments before she did, and she was up before he could help her.

It still took time for the feeling to come back to his hands and legs after being still for so long, and he didn’t dare try to walk or he would end up on the floor.

He also knew that she would get up and start her day after a nightmare no matter the time.

"Move over." He said to her quietly.

When she complied he sat on the bed with his back against the headboard and pulled her over to lie on his chest.

"I'm fine." She said quietly to him.

"Good to hear, but it's only a little after one in the morning, and you need more sleep."

When she nodded finally laying her head on his chest, and an arm across his middle he asked. "Do you want to talk about it?" Not that he really wanted to hear about it, but if it helped her he would.

"Not really, I've lived it. I don’t think talking about it will help." Hermione found a thread on Severus' shirt very interesting at the moment, and was winding the short piece around her finger.

"I'm sorry to be the cause of your nightmares." He found that he really was, he found himself wanting to do anything to erase them from her.

"No, it was a battle, and even if it wasn’t you there are still many nightmarish things that happened that night. Tell me something nice about your dream, please." She asked in a quiet voice, she really needed something else to think about than snakes, blood, and more blood.

"Something nice, now why would you think that there would be anything nice?" He asked, smirking down at the top of her head. At the moment he was sure he would tell her anything she wanted to hear to allow her to have no more nightmares.

"You said that we ended up together, you had to do something to make that happen."

So he told her about coming to the house to find her, Draco and Draco's son playing Robin Hood in the attic. He told her how beautiful she looked to him at the time, and how he joined them taking the roll of the Sheriff of Nottingham.

"How is it you know things like that?" Hermione asked quietly, sleep heavy in her voice.

"Hmm?" Severus made a noncommittal sound thinking that if he did she might just fall back asleep. Of course he should have known better when there was a question to be answered.

"My mum always tried to get me to pick one of the Disney movies; you know the fairy tale ones. I never liked any of them; my favorite tale is Robin Hood. I have every book I've ever been able to lay my hands on and every video also." She spoke like the fairy tales, and their princesses were the worse possible things in the world.

"I don’t know, maybe I overheard you at Hogwarts." He really didn’t know why his mind supplied that, and it was the only explanation he could think of at the moment.

"I don’t know, I don’t really remember talking about it there."

"Maybe it's not meant to be known as to why." He said quietly.

"Maybe." She echoed his reply.

After a pause she sounded surprised when she asked,

"I was friends with Draco Malfoy?"

"Yes, though I think that came about in my dream because he is my godson." If he had known what was going to happen with that admission he would have not told her right now.

Hermione sat up quickly saying, "Severus, you need to tell him you’re alive."

"What?" He had no intention of telling Draco he was alive, it would lead to others knowing, maybe.

"Do you trust him to keep this secret?" Hermione was sitting up now, wide awake.

"Well yes, but why would I need to tell him?" Severus still wasn’t sure about telling the boy about his continued survival.

"Oh my God, we really don’t talk about what’s going on in the magical world do we?"

Severus wondered what that had to do with anything then her next words caught up to him.

"Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy are going to be kissed on Christmas Eve--"

"What!? Who in hells idea was that?" Why in the world would the Wizgmont allow something such as prisoners to be kissed on that day.

"Whoever it was that oversaw their hearings, his name is escaping me at the moment."

Severus was now sitting up also, sleep being the furthest thing from his mind.

"How in the hell did that happen?"

"This person was out to get them from the start. Hell, even Harry tried to get it rescinded or at least moved into next year. But, this guy won’t hear of it. As a matter of fact he's downright nasty about it, told Harry and I where Draco could hear that it was a fitting Christmas present for him."

Severus could hear the distaste in Hermione's voice, and then his mind supplied a man that he was sure was the same one that sentenced the Malfoys. He finally said one name. "Clearwater."

"What?"

"Thomas Clearwater."

"Yes that was his name." Hermione said, surprised that Severus knew who he was.

"He's always hated Malfoy, they were in the same year and Clearwater was always saying that he was looked over because Lucius had money. Of course Lucius didn’t help matters either with his constant flaunting of the fact that he had money."

"Was he Slytherin?" Hermione asked, wondering if the man followed the pureblood practices.

"Yes, but he took the opposite stand not because he thought Muggleborns were not dirty. But, because it was the opposite of what Lucius believed." Severus never understood Thomas, and his hatred of the people who had money. At the time it seemed that who had the money had the power and it was just the way it was then.

"So that was why he became head inquisitor of their trials." Hermione stood to pace, Harry and her had worked hard, talked to anyone who would listen about Draco and his parents. It didn’t matter in the end, another wrong was going to be committed in the name of justice. Not that she didn’t think the Malfoys didn’t deserve it, well not kissed but jail time certainly. Just not on Christmas Eve.

"More than likely, but why say that it was a present to Draco?" That part had Severus puzzled, there was no reason for it.

"Part of his sentence is to be there to watch them being kissed." Hermione had talked to anyone who would listen about this punishment, it was not fair or just. But even Kingsley wouldn’t listen, and came close to threatening her with the exposure of Severus if she pushed too hard.

"Fuck." Very few times in his life was Severus at a loss for words, and would revert to the gutter langue his father used so readily.

"We really did try, Harry and I both together and separately went to Kingsley. But, his hands are tied on some things concerning the trials. No one thinks that Draco should see this, but we don’t know how to stop it either." Hermione took a deep breath, this was just one more of the injustices brought about by the war with Voldemort, she was starting to wonder if it would ever end.

Severus saw the tears in her eyes, and knew that she really didn’t think Draco should see his parents kissed.

"It's not a fitting punishment for anyone; Draco only did what his mother told him to do." Hermione told him in a shaky voice.

"What do you mean?" He had heard very little about the end of the battle, but Minerva had told him how Draco was standing with them until his mother told him to come to her.

"When we were captured he could have given up Harry, I know Draco knew it was Harry, but he didn’t. Then when the final battle took place Draco followed us to the room of hidden things. I have no idea who let loose the Fyendfire but Harry and Ron went back to get them. When Voldemort came onto the school grounds Draco was standing with us, but his mother told him to come and he left, it's his mother of course he's going to do as she says." At the end of her speech she sat down on the side of the bed.

"For all her faults, Cissy does love her son without end." It was one of the very few truths he knew, he knew it the day he made the unbreakable vow with her.

"I know, she didn’t tell Voledmort that Harry survived the killing curse again because she only wanted to find Draco." Hermione turned to face Severus.

"Will he come here if you ask?" Severus asked her.

"I doubt it, though he is trying to overcome what he had been taught I'm still… a Muggleborn. I think he might come if Harry asked him to though." She was sure that if Harry asked him Draco would come here if nothing more than for the simple fact that Harry had done a lot to keep Draco out of Azkaban.

"So he's not in Azkaban?" Severus asked, it had crossed his mind, but he refused to think about it much.

"No, Clearwater wanted him to be and wanted him kissed too. Hell, now that I think about it he wanted to destroy the Malfoy line. But the others wouldn’t let him, with Harry telling them what happened on the Astronomy tower that night, and at the manor, and what happen during the final battle. They got Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy on things that happened before Draco was even born, somehow they had proof that Mr. Malfoy lied and was not imperiused during the first war."

"Can we get this arranged quickly?" Severus asked knowing that Draco was going to need someone he trusted fully.

"I'll talk to Harry tomorrow." Hermione said as she laid back down on the bed.

"Very well."

Severus laid back on the bed pulling her to him so her head was on his chest; to him it was the most natural thing to fall asleep with her in his arms.

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; Emory Lee, and pigwidgeon37 on LiveJournal and expectosemprapatronum, Who all worked on the betaing of this fic. I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time.
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

"What are we doing here, Potter?" Draco asked, walking in the front door to be met by Hermione.

"You'll see, Malfoy, but first we need a wand oath that you will not reveal what you see here today," Hermione said.

"Why?" Draco asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

"What we want to show you is a closely guarded secret, one that will endanger someone we all know, if it gets out. We only want to keep someone safe," Harry said.

Draco looked between the two Gryffindors standing in front of him; finally, sighing, he took out his wand. After what Potter and Granger had done to aid his parents, he would do this. Then they would be even.

Once the oath was done Hermione said, "Come with me."

She led him through to a hall and into a room at the end then opened the door. They had chosen the office for privacy; when she heard Draco suddenly take in a breath she moved to allow him into the room before closing the door behind him.

Draco stared at Snape for a long time before asking, "How?"

"I had anti venom on me and Hermione stayed to help me."

"Hermione?"

"Is that really what you want to know?"

"Why didn’t you come to us, me. We would have--"

"Draco, this played out the way it was supposed to. You wouldn’t have had access to what I had here, or the Muggle doctor," Severus said, pouring himself and Draco a cup of tea.

"Muggle Doctor? The one that was at Hogwarts?"

"Yes," Severus said, handing the cup to the young man.

"But you've been here with them," Draco said, as he sat in the chair across from Severus.

"You make that sound like a bad thing," Severus said smirking.

"But they are…. Granger is a Mu--" Draco was interrupted.

"If you say that word I swear I'll make you regret it," Severus said, putting his cup down.

"I was going to say Muggleborn. But why now?" Draco asked, as he stood again.

"I just found out about your parents, about their punishment," Severus replied as he looked up at Draco pacing.

"What happened? No one's really saying how you died. Or didn’t die," Draco asked, turning toward Severus again.

"The Dark Lord attacked me then ordered Nagini to kill me," Severus said, his hand going to the still red scars on his neck.

"He wanted you dead, but you were his right hand. He didn’t know that you had been still working for the Order of the Phoenix," Draco said sitting again.

"No, he didn’t, he made the attempt because he thought I was the owner of the Elder Wand," Severus said sitting back in the chair.

"But you were… you were the one to kill Dumbledore."

"But you were the one that disarmed the Headmaster," Severus said as he linked his fingers together in front of him with his elbows resting on the arms of the chair.

Draco looked shocked before saying, "But that means that he wanted to kill you because of me."

"No," Severus said a little more forcefully than he’d intended; leveling out his voice he added, "Don’t think that way, the Dark Lord didn’t trust me -- he would have never let me live anyway."

"But you’re here now. How are you feeling?"

"Better than I thought I would, the wounds healed faster than I thought they would, but there is some nerve damage."

"That's because they magically enhanced Nagini’s venom before the final battle," Draco said calmly.

"What? With what?"

"I overhead the Dark Lord and Father talking one night; they were discussing how the enhancement diminished the effect that caused wounds to heal slowly, but added the nerve damage which they thought was better."

Neither said anything for several minutes until finally Severus broke the silence saying, "I will accompany you on Christmas Eve."

Draco was surprised by this but then said, "You can't, they have all kinds of detection at the ministry now. Polyjuice and glamour will be useless once you’re inside the ministry."

"Then it's a good thing that the Minister of Magic is one of the seven who know I'm alive," Severus said with a smirk. It faded when Draco said,

"No, I can do this alone. I'll be damned if I'm going to let Clearwater get the best of me. I also will not risk you, you’re the only family I have now." Draco held his head high.

"You will come here as soon as it is done," Severus said, not wanting Draco to be alone after that.

"Very well," Draco agreed after some time.

"I also want Hermione to go with you," Severus stated

"What? Granger, why would--"

"Draco, I don’t want you to try to Apparate after seeing that," Severus said.

Draco knew that his godfather was only trying to protect him, and even though he didn’t like the idea he would go along with it for Severus.

"Fine," Draco said.

********

Harry and Hermione sat at the kitchen table with mugs of tea.

"Where is Draco living?" Hermione asked knowing that everything that belonged to the Malfoys was now property of the Ministry.

"Some hovel in Knockturn Alley -- I offered that he could stay at Grimmauld Place several times, but he refuses. I even tried to tell him once that he belonged there as much as I did, since it is the Black family home and I'm not there that much, but he won't hear of it." Harry sighed, he really hated to see where Draco was living. No one deserved to live in a place like that.

Hermione started thinking about what she could do; she wondered if there was some way to get him out of there.

"What do you think they are talking about?" Harry asked.

"How would I know, or why I would I care?" Hermione said, knowing that it was more than likely that Severus was explaining how he’d survived, and why he was here. She did worry that Malfoy would try to talk Severus into leaving, and Hermione wasn’t sure she liked the idea.

"Come on Harry, you can help me fix the rest of supper." Hermione wanted something to do.

"How's downstairs coming along?" Harry asked.

"It's done, it looks good. I'm just hoping that it's the right gift." Hermione had been worrying about this; Severus really had never said much about potions since he woke, and she wondered if he was even interested in them anymore.

"I'm sure he'll appreciate it," Harry said before picking up the knife to cut the carrots.

*******

Once Hermione was alone with Severus that night she asked, "How did it go with Draco?"

"Fine -- can I ask something of you?" Severus had actually volunteered Hermione without even considering if she wanted to do it or not.

"Sure," Hermione said, setting her book down in her lap.

"Would you go with him to the Ministry on Christmas Eve?"

"Of course," She said

"And bring him back here, I don’t want him to be alone."

"Absolutely, he can stay for as long as he likes." She answered, knowing what she was going to give Draco for Christmas.

Severus moved to sit by Hermione on the sofa before saying, "You’re too nice."

Hermione was surprised by this statement which led her to say, "What is wrong with being nice?"

"Nice people tend to be walked over more often than not," Severus told her as he put his arm behind her on the back of the sofa.

"So that is what you're doing?" She didn’t think so; she didn’t get the kind of vibe she normally felt when she was being used.

"Never," He said.

"Okay, I left my Slytherin to English dictionary up in my room. What are you trying to tell me?" Hermione didn’t like it when he treated her with the characteristic Slytherin mix of subtility and sarcasm. She was surprised, though, that he didn’t do it more often.

"Just that there are people who will use nice people."

Hermione turned to face him before asking, "Do you think I don’t know that? I'll have you know that I know more about being used than you think."

"I know," He said, moving a hank of her hair away from her face to tuck it behind her ear. "I would like to hear more about this Muggle you had a relationship with," he said.

"Well finally! You know, if you'd just ask I am more than likely to tell you," she said, hoping that he got the point.

"Straight to the point is not what I usually do," Severus said; since the night she had told him about cutting herself he wanted to know more about what had happened.

"I know you don’t, but have you ever heard of meeting in the middle? You're going to have to give a little sometimes."

"I am aware of that, but you still have not answered my question." Severus felt that she was avoiding the question, but he didn’t want to allow her the easy way out tonight. He went straight ahead because he wanted to know right now.

"What would you like to know?" she asked him, taking a drink of her wine.

"Where did you meet him?"

"At a used books store, he was the manager." She averted her eyes, sure that he was going to say something about her and books. "He made a few comments about the books I was buying then asked if I would like to go for coffee with him."

When Severus didn’t ask more questions, she continued playing with her glass.

"That led to walks in the park, and other bookstores. He was always kind to me, and wanted to listen to what I had to say. Unlike every other boy I knew. He wasn’t… scared of my intelligence I guess. Then he started telling me things like how pretty I was, and he had never felt he could talk to anyone the way he could with me. I know now that it was all just an ego boost -- he told me things I wanted to hear to get what he wanted. Like a game."

She took another drink before saying, "I let him take the lead, thought I was so smart. I never told him anything first, I waited until he told me he liked me before I ever said that to him. He told me cared for me deeply before I ever did. He told me he loved me, and I gave him my whole heart. The next step was clear in my mind: if we cared and loved each other so deeply then the right thing was to express it physically."

She gave a small, sad smile and took a deep breath before saying, "It was all so perfect that night; he cooked supper for us, then we sat on his sofa talking before we started snogging. The next step happened, and though he was a prick in the end it was what I would think of as a nice first time."

When she stopped speaking Severus was sure she wasn’t going to say more, and let the silence settle between them before he finally asked, "What happened in the end?"

Hermione sighed -- she had no idea why he would want to know this, or why she was telling him, but she kept talking. "He knew that I went to a boarding school. In the middle of August he stopped calling me and stopped answering my calls. When I finally went to the bookstore he pulled me out back into the alley, and there I asked him what the problem was. He proceeded to tell me all my faults, starting with my age, and how it was just a summer thing while his wife was out of the country for the summer. When I said he was a liar, that I was perfectly aware that no woman lived in his flat, he laughed at me and asked why in the world would he take me to his own flat when I was only a summer fuck. He told me it was a buddy’s place he took me to so I wouldn’t suspect a thing. When I argued that he’d spoken to me about love and caring about me, he said I needed to grow up and see the pretty little lies for what they were, a way for him to fuck a virgin."

Hermione took another drink of her wine. Severus thought she was done with her story but then she continued, "He told me that I was a stupid little girl, that I would never understand an adult relationship. He told me that I was a bad fuck anyway and that he never wanted to see my face again which wasn’t much to look at anyway. It hurt more than anything I had ever felt, at times it felt like my chest had an iron band around it. But I never once cried while he was telling me these things -- as a matter of fact I laughed at him. I acted as if he was the one who had been had, I told him how stupid he was if he thought his words were bothering me and I was sure that I would find someone better at sex than the two minutes he’d had to offer. I held my head high before walking out of that alley, never looking back."

Hermione finished the last of her wine; Severus watched her for a long time before saying, "That wasn’t the truth though, it did hurt you." He took her hand.

"Yes, very much so. It was as if something inside me had broken. I've always been the practical type. But somewhere in the back of my mind, in my most secret dreams I wanted that knight on a white horse. Now I know that never happens, it's only in books and fairy tales, and they are only projections of what we desire to happen. What I know now is that the best any one can hope for is a partner they can live with and like having sex with. There is no such thing as great romantic love, not like that."

Severus had no idea why her beliefs on this bothered him so much, but they did; he wanted to show her that she was wrong. He wasn’t sure, though, whether he was trying to soothe his ego or really wanted to show her that a true man was able to show love. He also knew now why she’d started cutting herself -- that man had used her and made her feel unworthy. He had no idea if he could navigate these murky waters or not, he wanted to try though.

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; Emory Lee, and pigwidgeon37 on LiveJournal and expectosemprapatronum, Who all worked on the betaing of this fic. I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time.
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

For the next two days Severus thought over what Hermione had told him about her first lover; he went from wanting to find this man and throttle him, to wondering how in the hell he was ever going to make it past her defenses, because he was sure she had to protect herself from anything like that happening to her again.

He knew she was hiding from him also, well, maybe not so much hiding as avoiding him. She had not been home much in the last two days; she always came in late and went straight to bed. He knew what he wanted to do, but he had no idea how to go about it. He wanted to show her that, even if one guy was a prick not, all men were like that. That some men actually mean what they say, that men are capable of love.

Severus thought about asking someone's opinion about how to handle this, but he had no idea who to talk to. The group of people he spoke to nowadays, who knew he was alive, was a small one; he had only seen Kingsley twice since he woke up. Poppy just didn’t seem like a good choice for this topic, and he wasn’t comfortable with the thought of talking to Potter about much of anything personal.

That narrowed the list down to Minerva and Richard -- maybe getting view points from both sides would be to his advantage. Of course talking with Minerva would be different than with Richard, as Minerva tended to be overly protective of her charges, past and present.

The next day when Minerva came for tea they sat in the kitchen talking about how the rebuilding of Hogwarts was going, whom she was going to hire as teachers, and how the board of governors were trying to cut pay for most of the staff. She asked about his health and how his recovery was going.

Finally Minerva asked about Hermione; it was the cue he had needed. It was not in his nature to seek anyone's advice, but Minerva bringing up the subject would allow him to ask in such a way that it would not seem as if he was asking for advice.

"She seems to be doing fine, I believe that we have become friends. I had not realized that she’s a victim of the pitfalls of adolescence until the other night."

Minerva looked up at him with the kind of look that told him that she knew he wanted to ask something, and that he had better get on with it. "Severus, you seem to be conveniently forgetting that you also were an adolescent at one time, and a victim of its pitfalls just as everyone else."

Severus looked at her: Yes, she had known him since his school days and was aware of all the things he had done then. He remained silent until she said, "So what did Hermione confide to you that has you trying to wheedle advice out of me?" Minerva set her cup down on the table, looking at him.

Severus sighed; he knew that he was going to have to be honest, and just ask his questions.

"She told me about the first serious relationship she had been in, which did not end well," he said, trying to keep as much of Hermione's confidence as he could.

"I see: nowing Hermione the boy was likely older than her, which one thinks is experience when one is a teenager. She was taken in by some guy that appealed to her on an intellectual level, but he probably used that only to get her into bed, and when he was finished with her he told her the truth."

Shocked at how accurate Minerva’s guess was, Severus said, "Something like that."

"You want to know how this is going to affect you," Minerva prompted, "Or rather any plans you have concerning her."

He could only nod.

"From a woman's point of view, that first blow is always the worst. I suppose men and women are alike in that, if your heart gets hurt, you tend to be a little overcautious towards the next person to catch your attention. It's not a bad thing, per se, it’s just that you’re more careful with how easily you give your heart to someone. Maybe guarded is a better term -- you remember the pain of that first sting, and don’t want to feel it again. I think most women believe that if they truly open their hearts again, quickly  and without looking for possible traps first, they end up hurt in the same way again."

Minerva had poured herself another cup of tea as she spoke, then she looked up at Severus who said, "So you’re saying that I have to take the time needed to develop things slowly, not rush in like say… a Gryffindor?" He smirked before taking a sip of his tea.

Minerva knew he was trying to rile her up. She threw her napkin at him saying, "Severus Snape, I do believe that I like this side of you much better than the sneering man you have been for years."

Severus gave her a slight smile before finishing his tea.

That evening after supper, which seemed to be the only time he was able to actually get hold of Hermione, he said to her, "I would like to talk to you about something, would you care for coffee in the sitting room?"

Hermione watched him, conscious that she had been avoiding him. She just really felt as if things between them were going too fast, it reminded her too much of Christian, and that whole mess. But he was proposing to talk, and she felt as if she couldn’t deny him this. "Sure, I'll be right back." Hermione ran up to her room to change into her night clothes, as she wanted to be comfortable.

When Hermione returned Severus was already sitting in the chair that he seemed to have appropriated as his own; she curled into the corner of the sofa before finally saying, "What would you like to talk about?"

"I want to talk about what you disclosed to me a couple of days ago." Severus watched her closely for any reaction.

"What did you want to say about it?" Hermione asked, thinking that he was going to revert back to his former persona, and she would be berated for how she thought at the time. Being scolded was a little easier sitting down than standing, which reminded her too much of reporting for detention.

Surprisingly, though, his next words were, "No one deserves what happened to you. Even if a man is playing this kind of game, there are easier ways to get rid of a girl than to be that cruel to her, especially after she gave to him what you gave." Severus saw her eyes widen as he spoke to her; her surprise was written plainly on her face. "Hermione, not all men are like that. Not all of them are out only to use you as a toy and then throw you away."

"I realize that, it's more…" She trailed off when he raised his hand to quiet her.

"I know what it is, it's a terrible blow that teaches you not to trust fully anymore, not to open yourself to anyone anymore. I think everyone goes through something like that, whether men or women." He sure as hell had, but not the way she probably thought he had. It wasn’t Lily who had done that to him, it was another woman after Lily was gone.

"You are right, it's almost like you doubt your own judgment in those matters. I don’t even know if I will be able to trust again like that."

Severus nodded before saying, "I think it's more a matter of taking longer to trust someone with something that will hurt you deeply if they break it."

Hermione wondered if he was trying to give her advice, or if there was more to this. She found herself nodding at him before saying, "That is true, opening yourself like that is taking a huge risk of becoming… well, bitter for a long time."

"True," was all Severus repleid; he was trying to figure out how to work in what he wanted to tell her, without her retreating again.

"So what is it that you really want to tell me?" Hermione asked. She knew there was more to this than just the words he’d spoken to her. She didn’t feel like trying to puzzle it out at the moment, though.

Severus studied her for several moments before he finally said, "I have have come to care for you, but I also find that I don’t want to scare you away from me."

Hermione had no idea what to say to that, more so because she knew he was alluding to more than just a friend’s care for another. But she also knew it was still too soon for her. When she took a breath to say something he raised his hand to stop her.

"I'm not saying that I want to take this anywhere right now. What I mean to say is that, if we continue at this pace and see what comes of it, what would be your thoughts on that?" It wasn’t exactly exactly what he had intended to say, but now was her chance to say no, that she didn’t want a relationship like that with him.

Hermione studied him for several minutes before she finally asked, "No pressure of any kind for sex? Say, if all I want is to snuggle on the sofa for the next six months without it leading anywhere, would you be fine with that?"

Severus was well aware that his answers to her questions would decide his future and hers.  "No pressure, and yes, if that is how you want to go about this. I would share as little or as much as you desire, and I'm not some twenty-four year old who only thinks with his lower brain. I would never pressure you into something you were not ready for."

Hermione stood and walked over to him, to bend down and kiss his cheek. "I appreciate that, let's just see how everything goes. I do care for you, quite a bit."

Severus watched as she walked up the stairs without another word.

 

 

 


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; Emory Lee, and pigwidgeon37 on LiveJournal and expectosemprapatronum, Who all worked on the betaing of this fic. I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time.
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Hermione woke feeling much better than she had in a while; she had stopped trying to avoid Severus a few days ago, after they’d talked. It had made her feel better What he’d said about not expecting anything from her, but that he considered them friends, and he didn’t want her to hide her past from him, had made her feel a lot better.

He hadn’t berated her when she told him she felt that she’d told him too much, and that he would look at her as less of a woman because she had been foolish enough to give her heart like that. She smiled when the memory of the kiss they’d shared crossed her mind.

She had not thought it possible for a kiss to make her feel as strongly as she had with Christian, but she had been wrong. If anything, it felt as if Severus poured everything he was into kissing her, and her reaction was to do the same.

"You're up early?" Severus said from the doorway.

"It's Christmas Eve, I wanted to do some baking before I went to the ministry this evening." She didn’t want to think about this evening and what Draco would be going through. Clearwater was cruel, and she was going to make sure he was removed from the position of power he was holding, and if it was the last thing she did. Yes, Draco was an ass. But no one deserved what was going to happen tonight.

Severus walked over to the counter where she had a book open before asking, "Would you like some help?"

"Yes, if you feel like baking. This is this year’s new recipe -- my mum always used to make the sweets we liked and one new one we didn’t know."

"Is that why you wanted to know what cookies or cake I liked?"

"Yes, everyone gets a favorite for the holiday."

"And supper?"

" I am sure Draco won't eat after… But I still wanted him to have foods he liked." She turned to Severus before saying, "This is going to ruin every Christmas for him from now on, every year will be overshadowed by his parents being kissed on this day. Yes, I agree that the Malfoys should be punished for the part they played in the war, I was the one tortured by Bellatrix at their home and they did nothing. But, I think doing this to Draco is a little much, it could have waited until next year, it wasn’t like they were going anywhere. The whole reason for this is to make Draco pay for his parents’ crimes. I'm even starting to think that Clearwater is doing this in hopes that it will break Draco, and he will take his own life. It's not right at all."

Severus stood there while Hermione gave her impassioned speech; when she was done, he reached over to brush the backs of his fingers along her cheek. "You are beautiful." She really was, it seemed everything she did, she did with passion. To him that was beautiful. He was rewarded with her blushing as he closed the space between them before leaning down to place a light kiss on her lips. Straightening himself he said, "So what do you want me to do?"

The next several hours were spent with baking and cleaning up, then Hermione helped him prepare things for supper when finally he said, "Hermione, it's time for you to go."

She sighed. "I know."

He laid his hand on her arm before she could move away from him; Hermione turned toward him and into his arms. He hugged her: "I'll be here when you come back."

She nodded and walked to the door.

*******

Hermione had been waiting for an hour; she hadn’t thought it would take that long to have two people kissed, and she was starting to worry. Finally, she made her way to where the event was taking place, and was allowed in after spinning some story about it being Christmas Eve. When she’d found a free seat next to some self-important politician she whispered. "I thought I would miss this."

The man leaned over saying, "They haven’t even got to the good part yet, Clearwater is still giving a speech."

Half an hour later came the announcement that now Lucius would be kissed.

Hermione wanted to hex Clearwater five minutes later when the man taunted Malfoy by telling him that his son was here, and that he was forced to watch this.

Hermione didn’t feel strong enough to watch the actual kiss; she closed her eyes and tried to block out the screams.

Then Mr Clearwater got again to launch into another, hour-long speech before bringing in Mrs. Malfoy, and he treated her the same as her husband before finally she, too, was kissed.

Hermione made her way to where Draco was still sitting; as she approached him she could see that he was shaking. She squatted down beside him and said, "Let's get out of here."

He never looked at her, his gaze was on his parents’ bodies. Hermione finally laid a hand on his arm and repeated, "Draco, let's go."

He looked at her and nodded.

When she finally got him to a place to Apparate home she decided that he wasn’t fit to Apparate on his own. So she wrapped her arm around his waist and took him side-along.

When they entered the house Severus came around the corner saying, "What have you been doing all this time? Stop…" He stopped talking when Hermione gave him a look of the kind that had probably made Potter and Weasley shut up many times, shaking her head.

He watched as she led Draco to the sofa before leaving the room to return with a calming draught and a vial of Dreamless Sleep potion, both of which Draco took without question.

Severus was worried that Draco hadn’t said a word, but he also noticed how badly the young man was shaking.

When Hermione noticed Draco's eyes starting to close she put a hand on his arm to gain his attention. "I have a room ready for you. Why don’t you let Severus take you up, and get some sleep?"

Draco only nodded and allowed Severus to take him upstairs.

When Severus came back he found Hermione standing in the back garden with her arms wrapped around herself; he grabbed his coat before joining her.

When he joined her, she said quietly, "Oh Severus, it was awful! I thought I had seen some terrible things but that…" She trailed off when she found that if she spoke any longer she'd start crying.

"I thought you weren’t going to watch," he said, surprised that she had.

"I wasn’t going to, but when an hour had gone by, and they still weren’t done, I bullied my way in."

Severus put his arm around her, only to find that she was trembling, and he didn’t think it was from the cold.

"You didn’t have to watch them being kissed."

"To be honest, that wasn’t the worst part. The worst was Clearwater giving endless speeches before each of them was kissed, and then torturing them in a sadisitic way by telling them that Draco was there… no one deserves that."

Severus pulled her close so he could wrap his arms around her; when he did she started crying softly.

"I'm sure Clearwater did this to break Draco, why else would he have been so cruel?. They were his mum and dad. I know they held racist views on Mudbloods and taught them to Draco. But even so, they didn’t deserve what was done to them tonight. Draco most of all, he only did what his parents expected of him. In the end he knew right from wrong."

"I know he did," Severus told her quietly.

They remained standing there for some time wrapped in each other's arms before she finally said, "You have to help him, Severus."

Severus pulled back to look at her, and a small smile appeared on his face. "You amaze me, Hermione Granger: You ask me to help someone who treated you badly for seven years. Yes, I will do anything I can to help Draco."

"He treated me that way mostly because it was expected of him. He's still a human being, and nothing could ever justify the way he was treated tonight."

Severus didn’t know why this surprised him so much; Hermione had always had a tendency towards standing up for the downtrodden, or rather, those of whom she thought as downtrodden. He pulled her closer to him and kissed her forehead.

"Come on Severus, I'll try to eat something with you." She gave him a smile and took his hand to walk back into the house.

Once they had eaten and cleaned the kitchen they retired to the sitting room. Hermione turned off the lights leaving only the tree lit as they sat enjoying a glass of wine together with the radio playing in the background.

"When I was little I would sit here with only the light of the tree and wait for Santa. I was always in my own bed in the morning." She smiled at the memory.

He put down his glass, stood and asked, "Would you care to dance with me?"

She set her own glass down and took his hand.

He had no idea what song was being played, but he had just wanted an excuse to hold her in his arms right now.

Hermione was learning that Severus could surprise her -- she’d never expected him to ask her to dance with him again. Well, if she was honest what they were doing really wasn’t dancing. It was nice to be held after the events of this evening, though. She smiled as they swayed together, this had to be the best Christmas present she had ever received.

When the music stopped, he sat with her on the sofa. She laid her head on his shoulder and within a few moments she was asleep.

He sat there awake for some time, thinking that in all his life this was the best Christmas he had ever had.

 

 

 


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; Emory Lee, and pigwidgeon37 on LiveJournal and expectosemprapatronum, Who all worked on the betaing of this fic. I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time.
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

When Severus woke he realized he had fallen asleep sitting on the sofa; the muscles in his neck were protesting and he didn’t open his eyes right away. He knew his hand was on Hermione's arm and that her head was in his lap but he didn’t have any feeling in his fingers yet.

Every morning was like this, it always felt as if he had slept on his hands and cut off the circulation. Finally he opened his eyes to see Draco sitting in the chair by the sofa.

"Good morning Uncle Severus." The young man smirked at him.

"I am not your uncle." Severus said; it was the same argument they had been having for years. Severus was aware that was repeating it to create some semblance of normality.

"May I ask you, Uncle, do you always wake up this way?" Draco picked up a cup of coffee to hand it to him.

Severus shook his head. "I Can't hold anything yet but thanks, and no. How are you doing this morning, Draco?" Severus started working his hand that was on the arm of the sofa. He saw the flash of pain that crossed Draco's face before he managed to cover it with a sneer.

"I am fine."

"Draco," Severus said, knowing that he was anything but fine, if last night had affected Hermione like that.

"Don’t, maybe later," Draco said. "So, are you like that every day?" He motioned to Severus's hands.

"Yes, but now it's only my hands, feet and…" Severus trailed off not wanting to say where else it affected him.

"Oh, you mean that your….."

"Draco…." Severus shot him a warning look.

"Okay, I didn’t know. How long does it last?"

"About twenty minutes to an hour," Severus answered, starting to move his other hand even though he didn’t want to.

"And what about this?" He motioned to Hermione sleeping with her head on his lap.

Severus hated having to explain himself to anyone, let alone someone half his age but if he wanted the young man to be a part of his life he was going to have to.

"Hermione's become a friend to me, maybe more than that," Severus said as he shook his hands.

"As in, you’re fuc…."

"Draco!" Severus hissed at him, "No, and don’t even think that."

"But you want to," Draco said with that knowing look that he always had when he thought he was right, even if he was wrong.

"No! Is it so hard to understand that she opened her home to me when she didn’t have to. That she's been a friend to me and that I would appreciate that and return that friendship."

"But what does she want?" Draco asked.

Severus understood where the question was coming from; it was a very Slytherin way of thinking. "You forget Draco, she’s not like us. She doesn’t think in terms of what she's going to get out of it. She thinks more in terms of how to help someone, and I will be forever grateful for her help."

Hermione had woken, but pretended to be asleep so they could talk; it was hard not to defend herself, but it seemed that Severus was standing up for her. Now, however, she was wondering if Severus was paying attention to her only because he felt an obligation to her. She hated to think that that was the reason, because she genuinely liked and cared for him. Hell, if she was honest she even found that she could fall for him and love him on some level. But after what he’d just said, she felt a need to protect herself.

"Draco, she was very worried about you last night, about what happened at the ministry," Severus said, when the feeling had finally returned to his hands. He put one on her arm and sensed that she was awake.

"It was… How could they let anyone do that? Clearwater gave fucking speeches."

"So I heard, he did it to get to you. You know this, right?" Severus asked leaning forward to pick up his coffee cup.

"I don’t know, he made it all sound like part of my punishment." Draco ran a hand over his face.

"Do not let him win! I'm not telling you to forget what happened or not to mourn your parents. But try to move on, it's the best way to get back at him." Severus felt Hermione squeeze his thigh.

"I know, it's… in time. Which reminds me -- I should be getting back."

"No." Hermione said, opening her eyes and sitting up. "It's Christmas Day and you’re staying here. We have enough food and I would like for you to stay."

"You don’t have to do that Granger," Draco said looking at her.

"I know I don’t, I want you to stay though. Severus should be able to spend time with his godson today."

Draco stared at her like he had never seen her before while Severus smiled at her.

"How about breakfast?"

"That sounds good, I can--"

"No you can't yet, I'm sure Draco won't mind helping." She turned toward the blonde smiling at him.

"I don’t know how to cook that's what elves are for," Draco told her as she motioned for him to follow her.

"You know how to make potions?" Hermione stopped turning to ask him.

"Yes."

"And chop ingredients?"

"You know I do."

"Well then you're in luck. That's all the help I need." Draco looked at Severus, hopeful that his godfather would get him out of this. Severus only nodded at him.

"Fine." Draco said as he stood.

Once they were in the kitchen Draco asked Hermione quietly, "Is he like that every morning?"

"Yes, he will be fine though. It's from lack of movement and exercise," she said as she handed him an onion.

Draco took the vegetable then the knife she handed him, saying, "Don’t make a big deal of it though, I know he's not happy about it. He thinks it makes him look weak and keeps forgetting that he’s recovering from a major trauma."

"Sure, what do you want me to do with this?" he asked holding up the onion.

"Dice it," she said, pointing to the cutting board.

Half hour later she had their omelets finished just as Severus came into the kitchen. He still walked with a slight limp in the mornings, but Hermione ignored it and Draco followed her lead.

Draco didn’t say much while they were eating, and Hermione didn’t know what to say around him. She had no idea how much Severus wanted him to know.

 Finally Draco said, "Merry Christmas."

Hermione glanced at him; he was sitting with his head down, and she looked at Severus for any hint as to what she ought to do.

"Merry Christmas Draco, Severus. Oh damn it."

"What?" Draco asked.

"I forgot Severus' present in the basement, can you make it down the steps now?" she addressed Severus.

"Yes."

"Well, then you both can come down with me," she said as she rose from the table.

Hermione made sure that they preceded her down the stairs, and when she was on the last step she said, "It's in that room." She pointed to a door off to the side, and when Severus turned toward it she laid her hand on Draco's arm shaking her head at him.

Severus opened the door to reveal a potions lab, a very modern potions lab. Hermione joined him with Draco by her side. "Merry Christmas, Severus."

He turned to look at her, and she wished she had a camera -- the expression on his face was something she had never seen before.

"This is for me?" he he asked, incredulous. The lab had white cabinets with off white counter tops. There were three stainless steel work benches in the room and shelves that held cauldrons.

"Yes, it's mostly for you. Though I do reserve the right to use it if I need something thrown together." She smiled at him. "But it's yours."

They walked into the room, and Severus ran his fingers down every surface asking, "When did you have time to do this?"

"While Richard and you were playing chess, when you were having tea with Minerva, and all the other times you were being distracted by someone."

When Severus had made it around the room he came up to her to kiss her quickly before wrapping his arms around her and lifting her off the floor. "Thank you so much, Hermione, this is by far the best present anyone has ever given me." When he put her back on her feet they both turned to see the shocked look on Draco's face: his mouth was hanging open, and Hermione cuffed him lightly on his chin.

Draco looked between the two of them several times before Severus finally said, "Say it now, you will not get another chance."

"No, nothing. I'm just a little surprised is all to see you hug someone like that." Draco's voice became so low that Severus almost missed the last few words.

" I know you'd like to stay in here all day Severus, but there are more presents upstairs for you to open."

"Yes I'm sure you want to get to yours."

"You got that right," Hermione said smiling, even though it wasn’t her own present that she wanted to get to, but the one she was going to give Draco. She hadn’t told Severus she was doing it, and she hoped that he wouldn’t mind.

Once they were all in the sitting room Hermione said, "Draco you’re the guest, you hand out the presents."

"Really?" he asked as he sat by the tree.

"Sure, that is how it's done here." Hermione said, sitting next to Severus on the sofa.

Severus received potion ingredients from everyone; he turned to Hermione asking, "So everybody knew?"

"Yes, you are not the easiest of men to buy presents for." She smiled at him.

"I suppose I'm not," he said, smirking at her before and pulling a box from behind his back. "Merry Christmas, Hermione."

She took it from him, lifted the lid and gasped. "This is beautiful, thank you so much." She leaned over to kiss his cheek before lifting out the charm bracelet. After he’d let her admire it, Severus took it from her and pointed out the charms on it. "This is for your birth month, this for Christmas, and this for friendship." He fastened the bracelet on her wrist, lifted her arm and placed a small kiss on the inside of her wrist.

"Thank you, I'll always treasure it," Hermione said, smiling.

Draco picked up the last remaining box, wrapped in silver paper; seeing that it was for him he opened it and took the key Hermione had placed inside. "I don’t understand," He said, giving her a questioning look.

"It's a house key," Hermione explained. "That room you slept in last night is yours for as long as you want or need it."

Severus was surprised by this, he looked over at Hermione. He had asked several times where Draco was staying, but she and Potter had both been avoiding the question.

"Excuse me," Draco muttered as he got up and left the room through the back door.

Severus rose to go after him, but Hermione stilled him with a hand on his arm. "You stay here, I'll go." She grabbed her coat along with one for Draco before going into the back yard.

When she sat down next to him on the bench he said, "I don’t need your charity."

"Draco, it's not that. We hadn’t told Severus where you’re staying. I think he would prefer for you to be here with him."

Draco turned to look at her asking, "He told you this?"

Hermione smiled. "This is Severus Snape were talking about, of course he didn’t tell me that. You’re his family, Draco, he needs you just as much as you need him."

"And what do you get out of this?"

"Severus will happy that you’re here." Hermione laid her hand on his.

"You expect nothing in return?"

"I didn’t say that."

"Figures."

"What I expect is to feel safe here, to get a little respect and no name calling."

Severus came out then asking, "How about a walk?"

Draco and Hermione agreed.

 


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; Emory Lee, and pigwidgeon37 on LiveJournal and expectosemprapatronum, Who all worked on the betaing of this fic. I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time.
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

On New Year's Eve, a week after they had gotten Draco settled in, Hermione went down to the basement. Severus had been spending a lot of time in his new lab. She hoped he was enjoying himself, although she couldn’t help but notice that he brought Draco there with him almost every day.

She knew that Draco needed the time together with his godfather, and she didn’t understand why it bothered her so much. It was irrational to feel this way, she was perfectly aware of that, and the speeches she kept giving Severus in her head sounded like some child vying for a parent’s attention. So she told herself that Draco needed the time with Severus to sort through what had happened in the last week, and she wouldn’t take that away from either of them.

Still, it stung to have had the lab in use for a week, and she hadn’t set foot in it since Christmas Day, hadn’t even been asked if she'd like to.

"Oh grow up Granger," she mumbled to herself as she found the box she was looking for.

She had told them this morning that they were having a party tonight, just the three of them, to ring in the New Year, so they shouldn’t wear themselves out down here.

She finally had the boxes she needed and returned upstairs, levitating them in front of her.

******

On Boxing Day Severus asked Draco to join him in the lab, where he told his godson that, while they were in there, anything could be said and was going to remain strictly between them.

Severus put up silencing charms, and other wards around the lab every time they entered. The first few days Draco didn’t say much, but then he cut the tip of his finger one day. That obviously tipped the balance, and Draco started throwing things and using language that Severus hadn’t been aware the young man even knew, until he sat down on the floor sobbing about his mother.

Severus knew this was good for Draco. After this incident he started talking more about what had happened after the war. He told Severus how the Aurors had come to arrest all of them, how the minute the trials were over the Ministry had confiscated everything the Malfoys owned.

Today had been one of the days that he talked about his parents being kissed. When he’d finished he asked, "Do you need me to do anything else?"

"No," Severus said as he set aside the knife he was holding.

"I'm going to pop over to Diagon Alley -- anything I can get you?" Draco asked as he put the cutting board and knife away.

"Not that I can think of. Would you send Hermione down?" Severus said, not looking up from the book on the table.

Draco smiled at this question. "Sure." He couldn’t remember that there’d ever been a time when Severus talked about a woman; he’d even susapected for a time that his godfather might be gay. The thought had never bothered him, even though it was generally frowned upon in the wizarding world. But now Severus talked about Granger every day, and Draco found that he didn’t want to intrude on their walks, so he would always beg off at some point to allow them time together alone. He didn’t even mind her all that much; if she made Severus happy after all this time, who was he to say anything.

When he reached the sitting room he said, "Granger, Severus would like you in the lab." He watched her for a moment before asking, "What are you doing?"

"You'll see later, I'll go down when I'm done here." She went back to hooking up the speaker wires.

"I'm going to Diagon Alley, you need anything?" he asked as he took his coat off the hook by the door.

"I don’t think so, no, but thanks for asking," She said poking her head around the back of the stereo.

*******

Half an hour later she had finished with the stereo and made tea to take downstairs.

The door to the lab was open when she got to the basement. "I brought you some tea," she said as she walked in the door to see him bent over a cauldron. He mumbled something, so she assumed he was busy and started to gather up the cups that were on the counter and banish them to the kitchen sink.

"What are you doing?" Severus asked when he finally looked up.

"Doing the washing-up."

"Well don’t do that, I can clean up after myself," he said, with a little more bite than he’d intended.

"Severus, you were busy and I didn’t want to just be standing around here twiddling my thumbs." She walked over to the bench, wondering what had gotten into him. "What's wrong?" she asked and sat down across from him.

"Nothing is wrong, why would you think that?" he said, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"No reason, really." She glanced at the book that was open in front of her, wanting to change the subject or leave.

Severus closed his eyes; he had not asked her to come down here to bite her head off. If he were honest, he brought her down here because he missed spending time with her, time they use to spend together but which Draco was now taking up, and in the evening he was usually tired; he wasn’t used anymore to the exertion of brewing and too exhausted to sit with her and read. He closed the distance between them saying, "Draco is taking up a lot of my time."

"That’s as it should be, Severus, you’re the only family he has. I understand, I really do."

"Have you thought about what you want to do with your life?" he asked her as he leaned against the table.

"Not really, I spent almost seven years fighting. I think it might have been a good thing that Hogwarts was not open this year. It's been kind of a relief not to have anything to worry about, well that's not quite right." Hermione paused to formulate her next words carefully. "Having to worry about what is going to happen at the end of the school year."

"Are you going back?"

"I don’t know, I don’t want to think about that right now. I have months to decide if I want to. What about you, then? What have you been working on?" she asked, trying to change the subject.

He had been working on improving the nerve regeneration potion, but his hands and feet were not what bothered him the most. It was not being able to obtain a full erection that drove him to research a stronger potion that would work faster. He knew that desire was brain driven, and it was weighing on him to have the desire but no outlet for it. He’d been trying to masturbate a few times in the shower, but not being able to make his body obey his command was an exercise in frustration.

Richard had assured him that it was more likely nerve damage than physiological, as he had the desire but not the means.

The regular nerve regenerating potion could take years to work, and he knew that in time he wanted to make love to Hermione. He had no doubt about that but just didn’t want to wait the years that the potion might take to be able to.

"I'm researching ways to make the nerve regeneration potion more effective," he said, closing the book on the table. "But…" He had no idea how this confession was going to go over. "I've missed your company."

She looked up at him, smiling. "We still spend time together. We go on your walks, and there is always supper and the clean-up."

"Yes, but this new activity has made it clear to me that I'm still not up to where I was before. It tires me and I have been tending to retire early." Severus looked at her trying to gauge her reaction to what he’d just told her.

Hermione sat across from him, surprised by his openness. If she was right he was telling her that he missed her company. "You miss reading together in the evenings?"

"Whatever gave you that idea?" he asked. Of course she was right, but he didn’t really want to admit it in such a straight foreword way.

"Nothing, I must’ve misunderstood you. Well, if that is all I have some things to take care of upstairs." Hermione turned to leave, she had hoped that he missed spending time with her as much as she did with him. But, if he wanted to play this mind game with her she was not going to play along. She had figured out in the last few weeks that mind games had no place in a relationship when she was involved. Not now anyway, not after her confession to Severus about Christian.

Severus watched her turn toward the door; he wondered what he had said wrong. In three strides he was next to her. Laying his hand on her shoulder he said, "Hermione, what's wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong," she said not looking at him.

"You’re a terrible liar"

"Fine, you really want to know? I'll tell you, in my experience men who are not telling the truth will mask it with words and expect you to read between the lines . And even if you’re right they will tell you that you’re wrong in the end. God forbid you say what you really mean or answer a question instead of asking one. We can't have the silly girl figuring anything out."

Severus was sure that her anger had not only been caused by his words; there was something more to it. Before he could form the question on his mind she said, "You said, ' this new activity has made it clear to me that I'm still not up to where I was before. It tires me and I have been tending to retire early.' Which leads me to believe that you missed our time together in the evenings. But, when I asked you point blank if you did, you acted like you hadn’t said anything. So apparently what you meant with that, and what I thought you meant were two different things. You think that you can claim that I misunderstood you, if the subject comes up again, and that you didn’t mean that at all and how silly I was to think that."

Severus knew that her words referred to her past and he realized in this moment that the man had played her. He had wrapped subtext up in words meant to be misinterpreted by her. He would not be like that with her. He reached gently took her her chin to make her look up at him. "Yes Hermione, I miss our time and the evenings together. I would like to know if you miss them as well." He hoped that was clear enough for her. Then he saw the look of shock on her face when she said, "Yes I do miss that as well."

Severus leaned down lightly to brush her lips with his; he could feel her hands go to his waist. He pulled back leaning his forehead against hers and said, "I'll try to remember not to wrap everything I want to tell you in other words. I don’t want to make you guess at what I mean, I don’t want there to be misunderstandings between us."

Hermione leaned up kissing him before saying,

"Thank you."

********

That evening as they were sitting at the kitchen table eating supper when an owl tapped on the window. Hermione rose to retrieve the envelope it carried. After accepting a piece of ham from her supper the owl left. Sitting back at the table she opened the envelope and pulled out a card.

Severus watched as all the color drained from her face and her smile faded. Dropping the card on the table she said, "Excuse me." She left the room close to tears.

Severus picked up the card: on one side was a Muggle photo of a baby with the child's name and other data, on the other someone had scribbled a short note. He read it before saying, "Fuck."

"What?" Draco asked, sure that something was going on that he didn’t know about; not much seemed to upset Granger, but she’d seemed very distressed when she left the room.

Severus stood saying, "I'm going to talk to her."

Draco watched him walk out of the room till he picked up the card and read the short note.

_Ms. Granger,_

_Since we agreed to keep you informed of any developments regarding your parents until a solution can be found for their return, we are very happy to inform you that your parents have had another daughter._

_We are still researching a reversal spell and it is our hope that soon your parents’ memories will be restored._

_Yours sincerely_

_Amelia Pond_

Draco set the card back on the table, he had no idea what was going on.

 


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; Emory Lee, and pigwidgeon37 on LiveJournal and expectosemprapatronum, Who all worked on the betaing of this fic. I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time.
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Severus paused outside her door before knocking on it lightly, "Hermione, can I come in?"

When he didn’t receive an answer he pushed the door open slowly, he saw her lying across the bed. He walked over to where she was and sat beside her laying on his side putting his hand on her back, and his other hand propping up his head. When she turned he could see that she had been crying.

"I screwed up. It's my own damn fault that I feel like this."

Severus knew he had to choose his words carefully since he had no desire to upset her more than she already was. "You did what you thought was right to protect them. It's not your fault that the information at Hogwarts was lacking."

Hermione turned on her side mirroring his pose then wrapped her hand around his before speaking, "But if I had my mind on what it should have been on, and not on a boy, I would have looked further; asked more questions until I had an answer I could live with."

"I've never known you to be distracted in your pursuit of knowledge, but yes, at times we all have other things on our minds than all work."

"I should have listened to my dad and not let my mind wonder to other pursuits until I was finished with school." She said looking down at their hands.

"If you had not helped Potter, do you think we would be living in a free world now?"

Finally she looked up at him saying, "I just wish I knew that I did the right thing; that it really did keep them safe."

"It did keep them safe Hermione." He wasn’t going to tell her that the events at Malfoy Manor in turn had the Dark Lord ordered families of the three killed.

She smiled at him before saying, "I have a sister."

"I saw."

"Albeit one I will more than likely never meet."

"I think you will in time." He was sure that this baby would be a powerful witch just as Hermione was.

"You think she'll be a witch like me?"

"Yes I do."

Hermione moved letting go of his hand and throwing her arm around him saying, "Thank you."

He moved his arm around her holding her close to him before saying, "Are you feeling better?"

"Some. I still am upset that I took the easy way out and now have no idea how to fix the mess I created."

He pulled back before leaning over to kiss her forehead. Hermione moved so his lips landed on hers. He felt her hand tighten in his shirt a moment before he felt her tongue trace across the line of his closed lips.

He wanted to give in to what she wanted and deepen the kiss. He wanted that small taste of her again. The only force stopping him was the desire he would feel for her, the desire that he couldn’t sate.

He pulled back to find that his hand at her waist was running his thumb back and forth on her skin where her shirt had raised slightly. "We should go back down stairs."

He saw the disappointment and hurt that crossed her face before she dropped the mask of indifference back into place.

"We did leave Draco alone." She said moving to stand from the bed.

He sat beside her, and when she stood he made an impulsive choice taking her arm and pulling her to stand in between his knees before framing her face in his hands and pulling her to meet his lips. He licked the seam of her lips nipping at her bottom lip. She opened her mouth for him sliding her tongue across his. He threaded his fingers back into her hair. He felt her hands on his forearms tighten and he allowed her the same liberty that he took letting her explore his mouth with her tongue. He knew the stimulus he was receiving right now should be making his cock hard. He felt the desire in his mind, but not even a twitch was forthcoming. He broke the kiss pressing his forehead on hers before saying,

"It's too soon."

"I know." She said breathlessly.

He kissed the end of her nose, "Supper is still waiting."

Hermione took a step back so he could stand, he took her hand once he was on his feet give it a small squeeze before they left the room.

Once they walked into the kitchen to find Draco had taken care of some of the cleanup Hermione said, "You didn’t have to do that. It was my turn."

"It's fine. I actually didn’t mind." He paused before saying, "Granger, I'm… I'm sorry."

Hermione was surprised and she said, "Thanks, but I made the mess that I am in now, and I will live with what I did." Hermione sat at the table to finish her supper as Draco said, "She's cute."

"She is, isn’t she? Maybe one day I will get to meet her." Hermione gave Draco a small smile.

********

Richard and Minerva both showed up about nine, Hermione had invited them for a small New Year's Eve party.

"Granger, what is that thing?" Draco asked as he took a seat on the floor next to the stereo.

"This used to be the height of Muggle music entertainment." She picked up the record she had chosen to play first while everyone looked through the boxes of records that she had brought up earlier in the day. "You take this- it's called a record and put it on here like this." She laid the record on the turn table, "Then you take this arm. It has a needle in it and put it on here." She put the needle on the edge of the record then turned it on. "Press this button to make it spin and…" the scratchiness was heard first then the sounds of music filled the room.

"It plays music?" Draco asked surprised

"Yes, there are boxes full of records. They all belonged to mum but…" Hermione trailed off, she really didn’t want to tell them that her dad made her mum keep the stereo in the basement because he didn’t like the music she played on it.

"May I?" Severus asked pointing to one of the boxes.

"That's what they are here for." Hermione answered as she stood asking,

"So what can I get everyone to drink?"

Richard asked, "What are Severus and Draco drinking?"

"Firewhisky." Minerva answered him.

"Is there anything that says I can't try it?" he turned asking Minerva.

"Not that I know of, but it does burn and takes some getting used to."

"All alcohol does. I think I'll try one of those." Richard said to Hermione.

Hermione turned to Minerva and knew that something was about to happen, she saw it in the woman's eyes. Finally the older witch said, "I think I'll have an orgasm."

Hermione heard both Severus and Draco start chocking and turned to look at them. The stunned looks they both had made her start laughing. They both looked as if they had never seen Minerva before and she had just told them that the earth revolved the other direction.

Severus was the first to recover and he said, "Excuse me?"

"Really Severus, it's a drink. I would think that you would know better. What kind of woman do you take me for?"

Hermione knew the older witch was teasing him so she winked at Minerva before moving from the room saying, "I'm just glad you didn’t ask for sex on the beach. They might have had a stroke."

"What?" Severus asked, his voice a little higher than Hermione ever remembered hearing it.

When Hermione came back with the drinks Draco had taken over running the stereo. Severus and Richard were both looking through records handing one every so often to Draco to play.

"I made myself an orgasm so if you guys would like to try it you can." Hermione said sitting on the floor by Severus's chair.

Severus watched her take a few drinks before finally saying, "I'll try it."

Hermione handed the glass to him just as Richard took a drink of his firewhisky and started coughing. When he was able to speak he said. "That was a little stronger than I expected." He smiled at the others in the room before going back to the records on the table in front of him.

Severus handed the glass back to Hermione saying, "It's a woman's drink."

Minerva's head turned from the records she was looking at with Richard saying,

"Why, yes it is Severus! We need all the help we can get."

Hermione smirked when Severus lowered his head covering his face with his hair looking at the records that he had in his lap. She could see light traces of pink on his cheeks and realized that Minerva embarrassed him.

"Let me try that, Granger." Draco said, moving toward her as she handed the glass to him.

Hermione never got the glass back.

Hermione went back to her drink of choice, it was one her cousin showed her how to make a couple of summers ago.

"What are you drinking now?" Severus said, looking down into her glass.

"It doesn’t have a name. My cousin showed me how to make it." She'd be damned if she was going to tell the people in the room that her cousin's husband called it Hot Damn a Blow Job.

"What is it made from?" Severus asked.

"Hot Damn, sour apple schnapps, scotch, tequila, and club soda." She handed the glass to him, "Try it."

Severus took a sip of the drink handing the glass back he said, "That's better than that other one."

"Oh you mean the Orgasm?" she said it just to see if he would be embarrassed again, and wasn’t disappointed.

A little later Severus found a record that he hadn’t expected to see. Handing it to Draco he said to Hermione, "Dance with me."

She stood along with him, and he pulled her over to where there was more room. When the music started she said, "That is the song we danced to the other night."

"Yes it is." He said as he pulled her closer to him.

"My mum use to listen to this song all the time. It always seemed to make her sad."

She laid her head on his shoulder as he asked, "Have you ever really listened to the words?"

"Once, when I was trying to find out why it made her sad. I couldn’t figure it out."

"Maybe you should try again now that you’re older and understand relationships better."

"I just might."

The conversation seemed to be over as they swayed in circles until the song was over. Severus stepped back and Hermione leaned up kissing his check before going back to sit by his chair on the floor.

As midnight approached, Draco ended up passed out on the floor. They had given up on the records and just turned on the radio. When they played the last song of the year on the radio, Severus pulled Hermione up to dance with her again.

When the song ended Severus wrapped his hand around the back of her neck and pulled her to him. When his lips landed on hers she felt his tongue lick her bottom lip making her gasp lightly, and he ran hit tongue into her mouth memorizing every hidden place he could find before sucking her tongue into his mouth.

A moment before Hermione's mind shut down she thought this was the hottest kiss she had ever experienced. He pulled her tongue into his mouth and her mind focused only on the feeling of trying to remember this moment how it felt to kiss him like this.

She whimpered when he broke the kiss laying his forehead on hers saying, "Happy New Year Hermione."

She smiled up at him saying, "Happy New Year Severus, I hope this one is better than last year."

"It will be."

She smiled as she moved away from him. She gave his hair that she had her fingers twined in a little tug before dropping her arms.

Severus hadn’t even realized that she had moved her hands to his hair because he was so focused on the kiss they were sharing.

Hermione stepped back before Richard came up to her kissing her cheek saying,

"This had to be one of the better New Year's I've had in a while. Thank you for inviting me."

"You're welcome. We did have some fun didn’t we?"

"Yes."

Minerva came up to Severus shocking him by kissing his cheek before saying, "Happy New Year Severus, I hope this year starts many to come that you are free."

"Happy New Year, Minerva." Severus said, not knowing what to say to the rest.

"Severus?" Hermione asked "Can you take Draco up, I'm going to tidy up a little."

"Yes."

When Severus came back, Hermione asked. "Did you put a bucket by his bed?"

"Yes and gave him a couple of potions also." He came over to the counter where she was putting the dip she had made into another bowl. "What do you need help with?"

"Nothing really, I am done." She swayed as she walked back to the table to pick up her drink.

"You love, are drunk." Severus said.

"So are you." She shot back.

"Whatever gave you that idea?" he said walking over to her.

"You used an endearment." She smiled at him.

 _Damn_ he thought. He had hope that would have slipped by her like it slipped out of his mouth.

"One more dance?" Severus asked, as he was standing in front of her.

"Sure." She said, with the brightest smile he had ever seen on her.

 


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; Emory Lee, and pigwidgeon37 on LiveJournal and expectosemprapatronum, Who all worked on the betaing of this fic. I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time.
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Once he led her back into the sitting room he placed the record on the turn table and started it before coming back over to her and pulling her to him, wrapping his arms around her. It was the same song as before, but he didn’t really care what the song was as long as he got to hold her for a little longer.

When the song ended he said, "Come, I'll walk you up to your room." He took her hand.

When she laid down on the bed, he turned to go when she said, "Stay." She patted the bed beside her.

"Hermione." He said in a warning tone.

"Not for that, just…" She had to stop talking. She hated being this way- all sappy. She was not about to cry again in front of him.

Severus came over to the bed. Finally he sat down, then moved propping up a couple of pillows behind him before holding an arm out for her to lay her head on his chest. Once she was settled with her arm around his midsection, he laid his hand on her bicep giving a little squeeze as he kissed the top of her head.

"Thank you." She said moments before she fell asleep.

*********

Hermione slowly came awake on her side to feel an arm wrapped around her and a very solid wall at her back. It came back to her that she asked Severus to stay. Of course she thought that he would go once she was asleep. She never expected to wake to find him spooned against her like this.

She started to open her eyes only to close them to the bright light streaming into her bedroom. She had potions set out to take when she woke, the only problem being was that they were on the bedside table on the other side and she was enjoying lying like this far too much to move at the moment.

Severus knew when she woke by the change in her breathing. He had been awake long enough to pick up the vials of potion on his side of the bed and place them in his other hand. He knew she would need them with all the alcohol she had consumed last night. He leaned over slightly whispering into her ear.

"Hermione."

He heard her sigh before she said, "It's too bright."

"I have the potions you set out, here." He moved his hand from her stomach taking one from his other hand and placing it in hers. She pulled the cork without opening her eyes and drank it then the other. After a few minutes he asked. "Feel better?"

"Much, thank you." She moved to sit up but he wrapped his arm tighter around her saying, "Just a little longer."

Hermione relaxed back into his arms for a few more minutes before they heard the bathroom door close and water running.

"That will be Draco, I should check on him." Severus said, as he started to move away from her.

"I'll be down in a bit. I want to take a shower first."

He kissed by her ear before saying, "I'll start the coffee."

Once Hermione was in the shower she let her mind wonder, she knew she was attracted to Severus. But now she thought she was starting to have more feelings for him, or maybe deeper feelings. She knew after everything that was said yesterday that he was maybe feeling the same way toward her, she just wished he was easier to read. Of course he did say that he was going to try and be more open with her or at least not try to tell her everything with subtly. And that kiss last night- she had always heard about toe curling kisses but last night was more than that. It ignited a fire in her that she had never felt before.

Severus stood at the counter waiting for the coffee to finish brewing thinking about this morning; he more than enjoyed the way they woke up. Though something was still missing, or not working was more like it. When she had asked him to stay he had thought that she wanted sex. He was relieved to find out she didn’t. Even if he was functional, it was still too soon. He knew that even if he could, that it would create a bond between them, and she still had things that she needed to do. She was too intelligent to not finish school and to move on to a masters in some subject. He'd be damned if he would hold her back from that.

He heard her coming down that stairs and poured her coffee handing it to her when she walked up to the counter.

"Thanks." She said before going to sit down.

Ten minutes later they heard Draco on the stairs. He walked into the kitchen he said in a whine that made Hermione cringe. "I'm never drinking again." Sitting at the table Severus sat a potion in front of him.

"Yes you will." Hermione said. "We've all over indulged and we still drink again, we just learn not to drink so much."

Severus snorted drawing Hermione's attention to him saying,

"What?"

"You were drunk last night."

"I never said I wasn’t. There is a difference between being drunk and being wasted. Once was enough to teach me not to drink that much again."

"If you say so..." Severus said.

Hermione knew he was trying to bate her and she wasn’t about to take it, she stood saying. "I'm going to go put the stereo and records back in the basement."

Draco looked at Severus when she left the room asking, "Did you two have a fight?"

"No, not that I know of." Severus said shaking his head. He didn’t think that was what made her leave.

Later Severus made his way out to the back garden, sitting on the bench he stared at his wand deep in thought.

Being a wizard had brought about the best and worse things in his life. It brought Lily to his life, but then it brought the marauders as well which was the point where everything seemed to go downhill. The two years before he started to have doubts about the Dark Lord and what he was saying had been good. Most of his time was spent sitting around old pure bloods’ manor talking about how their new world was going to be. Then he started to hear about the raids some of the others were going on, and it really sounded like nothing that he wanted to do. Then he was forced to go; he had to do what was expected of him when two of his "brothers" held a wand to his head. That night shattered his whole illusion of that life. There would never be any manors for him or money or the girl he wanted. He was being used and in the worse way.

He went to talk to Dumbledore and overheard the prophecy. Of course he had the information ripped from his mind when he returned to the Dark Lord. When he decided that the prophecy was the Potter's child he went back to Albus on his knees begging for the old wizard to save them. Lily had been the only true friend he had ever had, and though he wanted her for himself, it didn’t matter when faced with her death. Of course he asked the same thing of the Dark Lord.

He gave his oath to Albus, someone who, in the end, was just as bad as the Dark Lord when it came down to it. The old wizard was not going to let Severus out of his oath no matter what. Then there was peace, for the most part, between when the Dark Lord vanished and came back. It was in that time that he saw his youth with hindsight. He saw Lily for what she was and though it did hurt him to discover that, it also was liberating. Then Potter started school; the boy looking so much like his father that he couldn’t help allowing all those feelings for the father to be imposed on the son. He fell into the trap of making the son pay for the sins of the father.

Of course Albus had been right and the dark lord returned and he was ordered to go back to him. He loathed returning, and this time it was much worse than before. He had to rape and kill to just stay in the Dark Lords good graces.

Then Albus put on the damned ring and his life went to hell. For two years he lived a hell that he never thought possible trying to keep a fine balance between what was right and what he was required to do.

Then the dark Lord raised his wand on him and sent the snake to kill him. He was ready to die, a just payment for what he had done.

"Severus?" Hermione asked breaking him from his thoughts.

He looked over at her before saying, "Leave me alone." He spat at her watching as she jumped at the venom in his voice.

"I'm sorry." She said, quietly as she turned to flee back into the house.

Severus watched the wall come up as she apologized to him. He wanted to call her back but didn’t. He was a broken man who had no right to even want something so beautiful in his life.

*******

Hermione made it to her bedroom before she allowed herself to even think about what just happened. She had only gone to check on him. He had been sitting outside for over an hour and she was starting to worry.

When he turned and looked at her she was reminded of the professor, not the man who had been sharing her house since May. It worried her more than anything else, but it also hurt. She had thought that he was speaking the truth when he talked about the changes he made in his life in that dream to obtain what he wanted.

Maybe he was and it was just that she was the last woman he saw so his mind just put her in that place. She had really hoped not, especially after that kiss last night. What about what he told her yesterday?

She pushed away from the door going to the bathroom, throwing wards around her bedroom and again around the bathroom. She started running water in the tub. As she was waiting for the tub to fill, she started taking her clothes off- the tears started falling as she removed her jeans.

Once she was in the tub hoping that it would relax her she started thinking that Christian was right. She was nothing but a silly girl who had no idea how to be in an adult relationship.

*********

He hadn’t seen Hermione since New Year's Day. She either stayed hidden or was gone. He knew he should apologize for speaking to her that way, but he didn’t deserve her at all. Maybe it was better to find this out now rather than later.

He followed Draco up the stairs. The young man was getting better. He was now talking about getting a job until Hogwarts reopened so he could return to sit his NEWT's and Severus was glad to hear him talk about something other than what happened on Christmas Eve.

When he walked into the kitchen he stopped in his tracks, the table was set with food and in the middle was a double layer chocolate cake. On the plate where he usually sat was a small thin wrapped package and a card. He glanced at the calendar; he had lost track of the dates.

"Happy birthday, Uncle Severus." Draco said as he passed him.

"You did this?" Severus asked knowing that the young man did not.

"Not really, my task was to keep you busy. Though I did help with the cake." Draco smiled at him before saying, "Well let's eat."

Severus spun on his heel taking the stairs two at a time. When he reached her bedroom door he pounded on it loudly saying, "Hermione Jean Granger, open this door."

"She's not here. She's at work." Draco said from the bottom of the stairs.

Severus stared at the door. Work? Where? How did he not know she had a job?

Once Severus came back to the table and sat down Draco said, "I don’t know what happen between the two of you, but I hope it works itself out. I think she's good for you. Until I came here I can't remember the last time I saw you happy or even smile."

Severus stared at him for several moments before Draco said, "I can grow up. Open your present."

"I'm just surprised. She's Muggle born."

"But she was always the exact opposite of what I was always told Muggleborns were. I've seen what she can do. She's as powerful and intelligent as any pure blood. It dispels or maybe had smashed all the illusions that I was taught."

Severus couldn’t help but stare at Draco. He would have never thought even if the young man thought that way that he would ever admit it.

"Open your present." Draco said again.

He opened the small package then stared at it. He had no idea what it was but Draco seemed to know that he wouldn’t saying, "It's called a CD. It plays music. Here, let me show you."

Severus watched as Draco opened the plastic case taking out a flat silver disk. He saw Draco push a button on the radio causing a lid to pop open and he set the disk in side closing the top. Then he pushed another button and in moments music started playing.

"Hermione made it on the computer. She used the songs you had chosen to have played on New Year's Eve."

Severus had no idea what to say. It was the first time he had gotten such a thoughtful gift and one that he would enjoy. Then he watched as Draco pulled a box from a chair setting beside him on the table.

"We all went in together and got you two of these- one for your lab and another for your room."

Severus opened the box to find a radio like the one sitting on the table. He had no idea what to say, he went from only receiving gifts because people felt it was their obligation to give them to this.

"Well this smells great. Why don’t we eat?"

Severus ate but his mind was on why Hermione went through all the trouble for his birthday after the way he had treated her on New Year's Day? Yes, he knew he shouldn’t have spoken to her that way and he did feel bad after all she had done for him. He would wait up tonight until she returned. It was about time he apologized to her.

 

 

 


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; Emory Lee, and pigwidgeon37 on LiveJournal and expectosemprapatronum, Who all worked on the betaing of this fic. I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time.
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Severus waited in the kitchen playing the CD she had given him several times and it was still playing low in the background. It was after midnight when he finally heard the front door open. He stood, hoping she would come into the kitchen. He heard her put her bag down by the door then her steps coming toward him. He closed his eyes for a moment then silence.

When he opened his eyes she was standing in the doorway. In two strides he was standing in front of her framing her face in his hands. When he leaned down to kiss her she moved saying, "Please don’t." she sounded so torn that he dropped his hands asking,

"Why?"

"Because I am just some silly girl that doesn’t understand an adult relationship, and when you do that it confuses me to no end." She stepped around him going to the sink.

He dropped his head pinching the bridge of his nose. Her name came as a whisper on his lips. He had done this. He knew he had told her one thing then did another. He hadn’t meant to, but his thoughts on that day were so scattered about the past and what he had done.

He walked over behind her, trapping her between him and the counter, he said. "Look at me."

She turned and he could see that pain in her eyes- pain that he put there.

"Hermione, I am sorry for the way I spoke to you. There were other ways I could have told you that I needed to be alone with my thoughts, but I chose the path I had always taken. I lash out to keep everyone away so I can't hurt them."

He took her hand before saying, "You care. I know that's why you came out there. But sometimes it scares me to have you care for me. I'm a very broken man Hermione, and the last thing I want to do is drag you into that. You are young; not so young that you don’t understand how things are to work in a relationship. I was wrong, so very wrong. At times I think you understand better than I do."

He watched as she bit her lower lip; if she only knew how much that made him desire her. He reached up with his thumb gently pulling her lip out from her teeth. "I'm amazed you were upset with me yet you still did this for me."

She smiled at him before saying, "Just because I am upset doesn't mean that I don’t care. It's your birthday, and I would think that after what happened last year, you would want to mark the fact that you’re still alive."

"It was unexpected. Have you eaten yet?"

"No."

"Then join me; share with me this wonderful meal you prepared." He pulled on her hand leading her to the table. Once they were eating a small meal she said, "I know you more than likely don’t want to talk about it, but if you do I will listen."

Severus sat his glass down carefully before saying, "I was just thinking about the highs and lows of my past, and found more lows than highs."

She reached over laying her hand on his saying, "Well maybe now that will all change."

He didn’t think it would, but he gave her a small smile saying, "Maybe."

When they were finished she walked to the sink with her dishes and while he took his, he noticed that she had frosting on her lower lip. He turned her to him with his hand saying, "Hold still you have a bit of frosting." Then he leaned over licking her bottom lip causing her to gasp. It brought to mind images of her doing the same under him as he brought her pleasure. He damned his body for not doing his command as he moved back from her saying, "I'm sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I'll take care of this, you go on to bed."

He saw the uncertainty cross her face a moment before she schooled her features turning and walking away. He knew she turned to say something then thought better of it and went on.

Severus leaned over the sink supporting himself with his hand on the edge taking deep breaths. It was not right that he felt this way when there was no release for it. Yes, he knew how to give her pleasure; he had paid enough over the years to become a master at that. But, he was certain that she would want to reciprocate and that was not going to happen any time soon.

********

Hermione had decided what to do, and today was her day off so she was doing it today. She stopped Severus before he retreated to the basement saying, "I want to show you something."

He turned asking. "Can it wait, I have some--"

"No it can't," she interrupted him. He was the most confusing man she had ever met. He barely spoke two words to her since his birthday, but she also hadn’t been home a lot- at least when he was awake.

"Very well." He said on a sigh. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to go with her. Hell, he would follow her to the ends of the earth if she asked, but he had no idea how to handle his relationship with her. He knew above all else he didn’t want to make a mistake with her.

They went out to the back garden and Disapparated. He was surprised when they appeared in the back of her grandmother’s house. She led him inside starting a fire in the fireplace before saying,

"I'm going to set the wards so you can come here whenever you want. I'm not saying I don’t want you around, I just thought that you might enjoy a place you can go to be truly alone."

He watched as she set the wards before she said, "The only request I make is that you inform me when you're going to be here so you just don’t disappear and we worry about you."

"Are you trying to get rid of me?" he asked before he even thought about what to say.

"Never, but it occurred to me that you are a very private man and have lived most of your life in solitude. I thought I would give you a place that you could go to be totally alone."

"What if I don’t want that life any longer?" he asked wondering why he was being so honest and not thinking before he spoke.

Hermione sat on the sofa before asking, "And what kind of life do you want Severus?"

He stood over her before finally saying, "I don’t know." He dropped onto his knees in front of her before saying, "I begged him not to make me go back, and then I begged him not to make me kill him. He didn’t care."

Hermione knew he was talking about Dumbledore.

"I didn’t want to rape or kill anyone any more. Hell, I didn’t want to before. I was ordered to, ordered to keep up the charade. I was ordered to kill the one person in this world that I called friend. Friend… Some friend, I meant nothing to him as long as the war was won. No one meant a thing to him."

Hermione had no idea what to say or do. Finally she moved to the edge of the sofa taking his face in her hands she made him look at her. "That is in the past. Yes, I can imagine that it hurt to find that someone you thought of as a friend asked all that of you. Now you have people who really do care about you: Draco cares, so does Minerva, Poppy, Harry, Richard, and I. I care about you so much, and when you hurt, it hurts me too. You’re a brilliant man who when you were young made a terribly bad choice and then you spent the next almost twenty years to make up for it. You did what you had to do to survive and frankly I'm glad you did because if you had not, I wouldn’t have you in my life now."

He pulled back trying to see if there was any deception on her face, but all he saw was understanding and caring. He pulled her into his arms burying his face in her neck. He never wanted to go back to being alone. He may still not be the most sociable person, but he was starting to like this life he had now.

He felt her hand rubbing his back and it felt good- not only the feel of her doing such a thing, but that she would touch him. He moved his mouth to her ear whispering to her. "You don’t know how much I want to bury myself inside you and never leave."

He heard her gasp, but when she tried to move to look at him he held her closer. He held her close to him until the feeling faded- until he was sure she wouldn’t say anything about what he whispered to her.

He pulled back kissing her forehead before saying, "I thank you for this, but I don’t need it. That is the past and I want the present. I find myself rather fond of the life I've had since I woke up."

She gave him a small smile before saying, "I'm glad to hear it. I think it's time we get back. It'll be dark soon and it will cool off in here quickly."

He stood then offered his hand to her. She took it and he pulled her up against his chest. She smiled up at him and he knew without a doubt that he loved her. Not the dream he had, but the intelligent beautiful woman standing in his arms at this moment. Of course he couldn’t tell her, not in this moment. He leaned down giving her a chaste kiss before stepping away from her.

He led them out of the house and in the next moment they were standing in her back garden again.

 

 

 

 


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; Emory Lee, and pigwidgeon37 on LiveJournal and expectosemprapatronum, Who all worked on the betaing of this fic. I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time.
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

On Valentine’s Day, Severus had planned a special evening for Hermione. Unknown to anyone, he didn’t really mind the day in and of itself, but what he detested was Albus' overdone decorations and binging in cupid's that disrupted the day.

He had Hermione teach him how to make a CD like the one she made him. Several days ago, he had left a small note and an orange conjured rose laying on her pillow while she was at work. As he was leaving her room he noticed a vase on her dresser that had about a dozen conjured roses in it, they were all the ones he had given her since he woke. He smiled at the thought of her keeping them where she could easily see them.

Though Draco would be gone tonight, he still planned to take Hermione to her grandmother's house as soon as he was able to get out of bed this morning. The time between waking and being able to rise was decreasing; now it was between ten to fifteen minutes before he was able to stand without worrying about falling on his face.

He was in the shower before he noticed it; he had the beginnings of an erection. He closed his eyes and allowed all the images that he had squashed come to the front of his mind. Hermione under him gasping as he entered her for the first time, Hermione on top of him lowering herself on to his cock, her on her knees sucking him into her hot mouth. He dug deeper in his mind for the more unusual ones. Him tied to the bed and Hermione in control, satisfying his foot fetish sucking on her toe and licking her feet as he moved in and out of her, he even pulled up the one involving golden showers though he wasn’t sure if he would ever be able to tell her or ask her to perform it for him.

He opened his eyes looking down and he slowly moved his hand toward his semi hard cock. Even though it was the silliest thought he ever had, he felt as if he made quick moves it would run away. The moment his hand touched his cock he knew he had made a mistake- the pin and needle feeling that he felt in his hands and feet in the morning was centered on his erection which immediately caused him to soften.

He knew it was caused by the abundance of blood that had started to engorge his cock that caused the pain, but he still smiled as he stepped out to retrieve a pain potion. It was coming back, and in time he would be able to make love to Hermione.

*******

 Hermione came running in the door late, she paused a moment in the sitting room saying, "I'll be ready in thirty minutes." She started toward the stairs only to turn back around before saying, "You look nice Severus."

She could have sworn he blushed before he said, "Take your time, there is no rush."

Severus watched her run up the stairs before sitting back down. He had also been running behind today. It took him longer than he thought it would to set everything up at Hermione's grandmother’s house. He really needed to talk her into giving the place a name. He hadn’t been out of the shower ten minutes when she came in. Now he just needed to pass the time while Hermione readied herself.

Hermione took a quick shower and then stood in her bathroom trying to decide what to do with her hair. While she tried to decide, she put on her bra and knickers. Brand new and greener lace than satin, but she had hoped that after the orange rose he had left her, that someone besides her would seem them. He had mentioned to dress warmly so she put on her long sleeve blouse laying her heavy sweater on the bed.

Back in front of the mirror she decided to pull her hair back at the sides with her mother’s jewel combs. Putting on the small amount of makeup she wore, she finally took a deep breath. It did not escape her attention what today was or that he asked her on their first official date on Valentine's Day. Finally, she was calm enough to grab her sweater and pulled it over her head before going to meet him.

She stopped at the bottom of the stairs just to admire Severus. He had on black jeans and a white button up shirt. She watched as he pulled an emerald green sweater over his head. She sucked in a breath when she felt a whole load of butterflies take up residence in her stomach and she reminded herself that this was Severus, not Professor Snape. This was a man that when he woke up had made every effort to change, not that he didn’t have moments of when she swore she was a third year again, but still she could tell he had changed from then.

"Are you going to stare all night?" he finally asked his back to her and she wondered how he did that.

"Do you mind?" she asked, not what she had planned on coming out of her mouth but she didn’t care at the moment.

"Yes in fact…" he turned toward her while he was speaking and trailed off when he saw her before saying, "You look lovely Hermione."

She knew she blushed, but the look that came across his face when he saw her was something that she knew she had never inspired in anyone. If she had to name it she would have called it desire, but it was more than that.

Severus was almost speechless. She was more than lovely standing at the bottom of the stairs dressed in jeans and a sapphire blue heavy sweater. It crossed his mind as to what she would look like if they had gone somewhere that she had to wear a dress. She broke him out of his thoughts, "Are you ready?" she asked as she took her coat from the hook by the door.

"Yes." He walked over to her taking his coat before taking her hand and leading into the back garden to apparate.

"Why here?” She asked as they walked into the house.

"Why not?” He asked smirking at her.

She gasped when he whispered " _Lumos"_ and she saw the table set with a candle in the middle he led her to the table setting her before sitting himself saying,

"I have something for you." She watched as he pulled a long white box toward himself. She saw the conjured roses inside as he took one out saying as he handed it to her. "Deep pink to say 'thank you' for agreeing to join me tonight."

She took it smiling at him as he pulled another from the box,

"Peach for my appreciation of the help you've extended to me and also the admiration I feel for you."

Hermione had no idea how to respond as he pulled another rose out, "Yellow with red tips for the friendship that you’ve extended to me. Light pink for happiness in having your friendship."

Hermione could feel the prick of tears start and blinked her eyes; she didn’t want him to think that she was upset. She was far from it; this was the nicest thing any one had ever done for her.

"Lilac for the way I am enchanted by you."

He pulled out one more saying, "And finally coral, for my desire to extend our relationship past friendship."

Severus took a deep breath, not knowing if this had been the right thing to do. He had told her he would try to be more open with her, but tonight went against his most basic instinct to never say what he truly felt or wanted.

In what was only moments but felt as if hours passed, Hermione jumped into his lap, wrapping her hand behind his neck she lowered her mouth onto his pressing their lips together. He opened his mouth for her when he felt her tongue trace his bottom lip. When his hand found its way to her face he felt wetness there, he broke off the kiss gently pulling back to look at her. Before he could ask she said, "I'm just happy that you've touched my heart." She smiled at him.

He reached up running the back of his fingers over her cheek before pulling her to him in an almost crushing embrace. No one had ever said something like that to him before and it was the sweetest words he had ever heard from someone.

Hermione had been surprised by how quickly he wrapped his arms around her and how tightly he held her. Then she was furthermore taken back by his shaking. She had no idea what that meant, but she hoped it was a good thing. Finally, she had to say, "Breathing required."

He loosened his arms but didn’t let her go. She backed up a little to look into his face before kissing his nose saying, "This is nice, but I'm starving." She knew that he had went against his nature in what he just gave her and she appreciated that he did that for her, the least she could do was kind of gloss over it for him.

When he let her go to return to her seat she said, "Well this smells great. What are we having?"

He waved his hand vanishing the covers over the plates saying, "Grilled chicken Alfredo and salad." She had told him many times that this was by far her favorite meal and that his was the best she had ever tasted.

As Severus poured their wine, he was grateful that she had not drawn attention to what he had given her. He felt she wanted him to be more open with his thoughts with her and she would also try not to talk about them.

Once they started eating she asked him to tell her something about his dream. "I've relayed most of it to you." He commented to her. Finally deciding on what to tell her, "The day you left I went to your room and in a small music box there I found our wedding photo and your ring. I placed it on my finger and the next day I put your ring and mine on a chain around my neck and never removed them. I hope to never have to do such a thing."

Hermione looked up at him and smiled, be it her, or someone else she didn’t think he would ever have to.

Once they finished supper he sent the dishes back home to the sink taking her hand he led her to the sitting room that was adorned with candles. He led her over to the sofa with him, sitting down.

"I thought it would be nice just to spend the evening together, nothing else." Severus said as she put his arm on the back of the sofa.

"I think so too."

"I have something else for you." Severus said pulling a small flat package off the end table. She smiled at him as she opened it before he said, "They make me think of you when I hear them."

She smiled at him. He had made her a CD. She kissed his cheek before asking, "Can we play it now?"

"If you’d like."

She stood to change the music in the player and then sat back by his side. Severus dropped his arm around her slowly rubbing his hand up and down her upper arm. She laid her head on his chest.

Hermione thought that for the first time in some time she was content. It was a wonderful feeling and she hoped she kept it.

He finally pulled her up asking her to dance with him. She didn’t think what they ever did was dancing, but she found that she loved the closeness of it. When the song ended he moved his hands to her face kissing her.

He deepened the kiss quickly almost devouring her mouth with his and it caused her stomach to tighten. Finally, she backed him toward the sofa and when he sat she straddled his lap never breaking their kiss. She felt his hands on her thighs as she put hers on his shoulders.

She finally broke the kiss moving her hands to his hair as she kissed his jaw back to his ear. She felt his hands move to her waist and she gave what she hoped to be an encouraging sound as she kissed down his neck. God he smelled wonderful; like the potions classroom and spice and at this moment she wanted nothing more than to devour him.

She leaned back as she kissed his lips again before directing him to kiss her neck, her hand gripping his hair. When she pulled his head back to her lips she kissed him as she rocked on his lap. When she returned to kissing his neck, she moved one hand onto his moving it toward her breast.

"Hermione," he whispered to her, the movement of where she was leading his hand almost like throwing ice water on to him. He noticed the rocking of her hip and he was sure she wanted this to go, but he couldn’t give her what she wanted yet. He moved his hands to her face, threading his fingers into her hair before gently pulling her head back saying,

"Hermione," in a little louder voice, when she whimpered it was almost his undoing. "It's still too soon."

"Of course," She said, as she started to rise from his lap. He knew she was upset and more than likely was frustrated. He could tell by the stiff way she moved that she was not happy by this.

When she started to step away he pulled her back on to his lap. He wrapped his left arm around her shoulders while he took her chin in his right hand making her look at him before pressing a kiss to her mouth. It was easy to coax her mouth open and dance with her tongue as he moved his hand to her thigh.

She wrapped her hand in his hair as his hand moved higher on her thigh. He kissed a line down her neck then back to her ear. He heard her hiss when he lightly nipped a spot behind her ear. As his hands found her center, he started rubbing her though her jeans. In her ear he whispered, "I can relieve your frustration. Do you want me to?"

"Yes," She hissed at him "Touch me."

He moved his hand up to the button on her jeans. She stopped, undid them herself, and slid them down her thighs before moving back where she was on his lap.

Severus smiled at how willing she was and how much he wanted to hear her scream as he brought her pleasure.

He kissed her again as he ran his fingers through her tightly curled hair before finally moving his finger down. He felt how wet she was and groaned. He parted her neither lips with his fingers before sliding his middle finger up to her clit making her buck on his lap.

He felt her fingers tighten in his hair as he ran his other hand under her shirts up to her breast. Moving her bra down, he lightly brushed her nipple. He slipped his other finger down teasing her hole before moving back up to circle her clit making her whimper against his neck.

Several times of doing the same she grabbed his hair hard saying, "Stop fucking teasing me."

He knew from what he had been taught, that for a woman, the brain was the most erogenous zone; that the right words could make her wither and beg. Based on what she just said he took a chance that she wouldn’t mind some the words he would use.

As he slipped his middle finger in her he said, "You're so fucking wet Hermione. So tight."

By the time he had three fingers buried deep in her, she was crying and moving on his lap. He pressed his thumb to her clit making her cry out and move on his fingers,

"Yes love, use them. Make yourself come on my hand." He laid light kisses on her neck and jaw as she moved and bucked on his fingers.

He held his hand as still as he could. As she moved finally, she started chanting, "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes." As she moved then she went completely still.

Severus moved his fingers inside her and circled her clit saying, "Come for me Hermione, scream my name."

In the next instant she screamed, "Oh fuck yes! Severus! Oh God"

He held her tightly to him as she shook from her climax. He placed light kisses on her cheek, jaw, and neck. When he knew that she was calm enough to understand him again he whispered in her ear.

"Hermione, that was the most beautiful thing I've seen; you coming apart for me."

He heard her breath catch before he kissed her deeply trying to convey his appreciation of her and what he was allowed to see.

She hissed when he pulled his fingers out of her, then he watched her as she watched him bring them up to his nose. She smelled divine. He watched her bite her lower lip as he licked his fingers of her juices, if her scent was divine, then her taste was pure heaven.

She moved off of him before he was done saying, "It's getting cold" as she pulled her jeans up and righted her clothes.

He knew that she moved because watching him was causing her to become aroused again. He smiled. Why any man would ever think she was not a sexual creature he didn’t know.

 


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank; Emory Lee, and pigwidgeon37 on LiveJournal and expectosemprapatronum, Who all worked on the betaing of this fic. I appreciate all the work they did to help me get this finished in time.
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

A little more than a month passed since Valentine's Day, and Hermione found herself of two minds. On the one hand she was enjoying the time she was spending with Severus. It seemed more intimate than before. He would do small things for her that would surprise her. He'd sit her on the floor in front of him and brush her hair, or he would sit on the floor while she brushed his hair while he rubbed her feet. It always wound her up a bit when he did that.

They would go to her grandmother's house, which he thought she should name but for the life of her she couldn’t think of one for it. He was starting to help her in the garden there. He would have her help him brew too. He’d come to the café some nights to walk her home, which was very sweet.

The other hand though scared her witless if she thought about it too much. They hadn’t even snogged since Valentine's Day. Hell, they had hardly kissed, but that's not what scared her. No, what frightened her was the force of her climax that night. She had never felt something so strong before- the way it reverberated through her body. That also didn’t begin to touch the feelings that rose in her after, and those scared her just as much. She would sit now playing the 'what if' game and she knew it wasn’t fair to Severus; he was not Christian. But she also knew that if she traveled this road any further and Severus left she would be shattered and it would be worse than last time.

Severus was even the one giving her doubts, he always asked about if she was going back to sit her NEWT's. To be fair, he did swear that he would be there when she was finished with her education.

Hell, she was even smart enough to know that it came down to if she trusted him to keep his word or not. Would he be faithful to her in a long distance relationship? Would the five years that it could take her to complete her education be too long?

She sighed as she went down stairs for supper. She sat at the table but really didn’t say much as Severus tried to converse with her. It was the first time she could remember that she didn’t really want to talk to him.

"What's wrong Hermione?" Severus finally asked as she had been quiet for the last few days and he was starting to worry. He thought that maybe it was that the anniversary of the final battle was coming up.

"Nothing." She said as she stared at her plate.

"You've been terribly quiet the last few days." Severus said, thinking maybe a different approach would help.

"I have? I'm sorry." She replied.

"You know I will talk with you about anything." He said, as he pushed his plate back laying his arms on the table.

"No you won't." She said looking up at him, "I want to talk about if I should go back and sit my NEWT's and you don’t talk about it. You order me to go like I'm some child." She wasn’t angry. She was more hurt that he treated her that way.

"Hermione, you’re a very intelligent and powerful witch. I know your education is important to you and I don’t want to see you not finish." He left off the 'because of me'.

"No, education was important to my father. Things change, people change. Hell, even dreams change. Maybe I don’t want to leave my home. Maybe I like my life the way it is now."

"You like working in a café, supporting Draco and myself? You like not using your mind for more than the crossword puzzle in the Sunday paper? You’re smarter than that. You can be and do anything you want."

Hermione stood as she said, "That's right, I can and maybe what I want to do is be here with you. Maybe what I want is a happy life now. But no, I can't know my own mind, the great Severus Snape has to always be right and win in the end."

He heard her run up the stairs and slam her bedroom door. He put his head in his hands threading his fingers through his hair. This was not a new spat between them, but it was the first time that Hermione really gave voice to her opinion on the matter. He wasn’t even upset by what she said. He knew she needed an outlet and that he was the closest here, and he will even admit that he had been pushing her about returning to Hogwarts.

He stood doing the dishes the Muggle way to give her time to calm before he went to talk to her. He was not handling this the right way and maybe it was time to try a different approach.

*******

Severus knocked lightly on the door before saying, "Hermione, can we talk?"

"Come in." he heard from the other side of the door. She had been sitting in the chair by the window and looked up as he came in. He took a seat on the bed stretching his legs out in front of him crossing them at the ankles before saying.

"I would really like to know what is bothering you Hermione. I've come to make a deal to that end."

Hermione walked over to the bed sitting at the foot cross legged before saying, "What kind of deal?"

"If you tell me all the points that are on your mind, I will do the same."

"But I have to go first with all of them." Hermione asked folding her hands into her lap.

"No, you don’t have to. We can take turns or however you want to." Severus knew that once Hermione started talking she wouldn’t stop until she was done. He had no intention of reneging on the deal though.

"I'll go first then shall I?"

"Yes." He said relaxing more against the pillows behind him.

"In less than a month I have to attend an anniversary party for the end of the war- a party. I don’t want to go to a damn party to be reminded that on that day I lost one of my best friends and other friends and people that I care about. I know you thought Ron was dumb, but he wasn’t. He only did stupid things. He let his temper get the better of him and would act out. I miss him. He was always ready to lighten the mood. Not like the twins, but he was my friend and I loved him."

He wanted to reach out to her because he understood her pain.

"Hermione, I understand what it's like to have death take your best friend- someone you loved and cared for. To this day Halloween bothers me."

He watched as she brushed tears from her face nodding before saying,

"I honestly don’t know if I want to go back there to be reminded every day of what was lost. I understand that my NEWT's are important if I want to move on to a good job or a mastership. I just don’t know if it was all worth it. I gave up seven years to help bring down the darkest wizard of all time but at the same time Ron, Harry, and I missed out on teen years."

He nodded. He understood that they didn’t have the normal experience. It did rub him the wrong way that his time as a student was more normal than theirs had been.

"But you seem to do nothing but bring up going back. At times I feel as if you are trying to force my hand so I won't be here." What she didn’t say was that it hurt when he did tell her that.

"Hermione," Severus had never thought of her going back in quite that way before. He didn’t think of the memories that would be there to haunt her. "I honestly never thought of that. What I see is a bright, young woman who is a powerful witch. I want to see you succeed, that is all. You’re one of the brightest minds I've ever taught, I just don’t want to see you quit."

Hermione looked at him for a long time before saying,

"That brings up another point, what are we: A couple, dating, more, less?"

"If I had to give it a name I would probably call it courting." Severus said winking at her. She did give him a small smile before saying, "You scare the hell out of me."

Now this surprised him to no end, she scared him.

"Explain." He said.

"What we did on Valentine's Day, never had it ever been like that. It was powerful and opened feelings that I don’t honestly know if I'm ready to face yet. I care for you deeply Severus, but it scares me. The last time hurt so much and I know now that the depth of what I felt was superficial compared to this."

When he didn’t say anything she said, "I'm not telling you this to force your hand; I just want you to understand. If I leave you won't be here when I return, or you'll not want something from me any longer."

He knew she wasn’t telling him how she felt to force him. She was too honest to do that.

"Hermione do not use me as a reason to not finish your schooling, I'll do whatever it takes to ease your mind that I'm not going anywhere. An oath, a vow? Name it."

"I don’t want either from you. What I want is to not have been hurt before so I won't doubt you like this. I know you don’t deserve it."

Severus sat up saying, "Still I understand Hermione. I know pain like that. I would do whatever it takes to ease your mind that I'm not going anywhere; that I'm where I want to be."

She was crying now and he moved to her pulling her into his arms as she tried to tell him something, finally he pulled back so he could hear her.

"It was awful, there was so much blood, and if you had not survived I wouldn’t know you at all, and I would have missed out on this. Then you were sick for so long that I thought you were not going to wake up at all. If you had died then I would have missed out on knowing you and that is…"

He pulled her back into his arms shushing her before saying, "I would have miss out on you too. I wouldn’t know anything but the know it all, not the young woman that I know today that I care for deeply."

He moved them so he was lying back on the pillows and her head was on his chest, when she finally calmed he said, "It's my turn."

She only nodded.

"I don’t want to be a factor in if you continue your education or not. I want you to make the decision as if I am not here and not worry about it because I will be here when you are done. I will do anything to prove that to you. I won't bring this up again until after the second of May, sometime after. I never thought that you'd have other reasons for not wanting to return, not a word."

When she stayed quiet he said, "If there is a way I will go with Draco and you next month, I hate the thought of you going alone. I want to be there to comfort you at that time."

She raised her head to look at him before saying, "That is… I appreciate it very much."

"Don’t get your hopes up yet, we're still looking into a way to make it happen."

She laid her head back down squeezing him around the waist where her arm was.

"Valentine's Day… I know how powerful it was for you. Honestly I had never been with someone that had that powerful of a climax. I could feel it though our magic and I backed off thinking that maybe I was moving too fast or you truly were not ready for that step yet."

She nodded saying, "I'm glad you told me thatI I thought that maybe I had done something wrong and you were turned off."

"Not in the least; it’s just the last thing I ever want to do is damage you or break you." He held her a little tighter to his side before saying, "There's something else I have not told you that I should. The nerve damage caused my appendages to be numb."

"Yes, I know this."

"What you don’t know is that it caused me to be unable to obtain an erection at all until recently. But, they are painful if anything touches them so I've been taking a drought to keep them at bay and once a week I check to see if it's any better."

"Is that all? I knew that."

"How in the world did you know that?"

"I was the one sitting on your lap Valentine's day."

He had not even thought about it at the time that she wouldn’t feel his erection poking into her bottom.

"It was either that or you had taken a potion so we wouldn’t get carried away."

"Well I did, that was the first day that I started having feeling and it was very painful to have anything touch me there."

"You were and are right, we’re not ready for full…" She trailed off not knowing what to call it.

"Making love?"

"Yes, if just what we did was that strong then what will happen when we do get to that? I'm not ready for that yet."

They lay in her bed talking well into the night.

 

 


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not back from the beta yet... When it is, I will be updating.
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Severus had kept his word, and three days before the Memorial Anniversary at Hogwarts it had came together. A disguise that would fool anyone, between glamour's, charms, transfiguration, a twelve hour potion, and a pendant that Kingsley nicked from somewhere he wouldn’t say, and a bit of Muggle technology Severus stood in front of a mirror and didn’t recognize himself.

He didn’t care though as long as it allowed him to be there for Hermione and Draco. They had both become much more quite in the last few days as the day approached. He could barley coax either of them to the lab on the pretense of helping him.

He was talking with Minerva and Poppy about a cover story for him when Hermione came in, he had forgot that they had disguised him fully for the first time today until she came around the corner and gasped before noticing the other two in the room.

Minerva turned to her saying, "Come meet Nicholas Prince."

As Hermione closed in on him she stopped for a moment before saying, "Oh my God, how?"

"What do you mean dear?" Poppy asked.

"That's Severus, but how did you…" Hermione let the question hang in the air as Severus spoke this time.

"How did you know?" His voice was the same he had took off the pendent that changed that.

"You..." Hermione trailed off wondering how to answer that question. "I always smell the potions lab, musk and spices when I'm around you."

"We are going to have to fix that." Minerva said.

Hermione paced in front of the fire place in the room before finally saying, "For one I wouldn’t go to the lab until after and…" Hermione ran up the stairs when she came back she handed him a bottle of cologne when he looked at her she said, "It was my fathers, it's very different than what you wear."

"You mean it's very different than the soap I use."

"Yes and it's strong enough to cover it up."

He smiled at her before saying,  "Very well."

They finally came up with a story that he was Nicholas Prince, a very distant cousin of Severus Snape from America. He came here about six months ago on business that is still ongoing and since he was here he wanted to pay his respect to his cousin. He met Hermione the day he arrived at the Minstry of Magic and they became fast friends, this way no one would think anything of him escorting her to this service.

The day of the memorial Hermione came down stairs and was struck by how different Severus looked, his hair was a dark auburn though the length was the same, his prominent nose was average now, the sharpness of his cheek bones was more rounded. His skin tone was a dark tan that spoke of someone who spent a great deal of time outdoors. He wore an ambulant that disguised his voice and give him an accent, and it was a ring that changed his skin color. The only thing that no charm or potion could change was his eyes which were now almost an amethyst color thanks to contact lenses. All his visible scars were hidden by glamour's.

Hermione stopped when she saw him, though she couldn’t say she cared for the changes, she liked Severus the way he was. He was wearing a button up shirt that was of the deepest darkest blue that it was almost black, black trousers, and was facing a mirror with two ties in his hands. Hermione smiled at the image.

"What do you think Hermione, black tie or this?" he held up the ties in question when she heard from behind her.

"No tie." Draco said.

"Very well." Severus said not arguing with the young man, he didn’t want to wear a tie any way.

They arrived at Hogwarts early at Minerva's request and Severus had only one thing on his mind.

"Show me where he died." He said to Hermione.

Hermione led him to the spot on which no matter how hard anyone tried, and the best had been called in there was a black mark that wouldn’t be erased. He stood looking at the spot for some time before he told her. "Leave me."

"Are you sure?"

"Do as I say." He bit out at her, he saw the look that crossed her face before he said. "I'll be fine, just go."

Hermione walked away to where she was sure that he would think she was out of ear shot, but then used a charm to enhance her hearing and watched him. It was still several minutes before he spoke,

"I tricked you, the greatest dark wizard of all time and I, Severus Snape was never on your side after one act. From the night you killed James and Lily Potter I was never on your side again. You were nothing but a bug to be squashed and it is my burning desire that you fucking rot in hell for all of eternity."

Hermione was not really surprised by his words, but when he finished speaking his actions surprised her. He spit on the ground before turning toward her. He took her hand pulling to a secluded spot before pulling her into his arms.

Hermione wrapped her arms around him saying nothing, finally he spoke.

"He's really gone this time."

"Yes he is, no more pieces of soul floating around out there. He will not be coming back from the hell in which he's in."

He pulled back giving her a chaste kiss before saying, "We should join the others."

Once they were seated and others started to show Severus did what he always did, scan the faces of the people around him. When he saw someone he never expected he gripped Hermione's hand tighter.

Hermione had been talking to Ginny when she felt Severus grip her hand tighter, she turned to him asking quietly, "What?"

He leaned over whispering into her ear.

"Do you see the woman in the burgundy dress talking to Mrs. Longbottom?"

Hermione looked around before saying, "Yes."

"That's Aurora Prince."

At Hermione's confused look he said, "Severus Snape's grandmother."

Hermione gasped, that was a shock to her.

"I didn’t know he had any relativities still living."

"It matters not." Severus said, but Hermione could tell there was a pain there and made note to ask him about it later.

For two hours they listened to self important pampas politicians give speeches about events and people that they didn’t even know or care about.

When Thomas Clearwater spoke of how no Death Eater should escape punishment of some form and how no Death Eater should be lauded a hero even in death Hermione grew angry, she knew he meant Severus and it pissed her off. Then she looked over at Harry and knew he was livid about what the man was saying. She knew the moment Harry started to stand that he was running into it without thought but she could do nothing to stop him.

"Sir, kindly tell me how you would know anything about what happen here. You Thomas Clearwater who were safely at home tucked into your bed on the night that wizards and witches gave their lives to defeat Tom Riddle. What do you know of years of sacrifice that some gave to make this day a reality?"

Severus gripped Hermione's hand tighter and she didn’t know if he did so to keep her from jumping up or himself.

"Ah, Mr. Potter our young hero. I don’t have to be in the thick of things to know what happen, to understand the sacrifice people made to this cause. I know that just because you see it as a noble sacrifice as you called it does not mean that I don’t see it for what it is. Severus Snape was a Death Eater, once that dark mark is on your soul it never leaves, oh he played you as he did all of you. You think that just because he gave you a few memories that erases all that he's done, I think not. The man is not, nor will he ever be a hero and it saddens me that--"

The shot came out of Hermione's line of sight but as soon as Clearwater was flat on the stage Aurora Prince walked up to the stage and leaned over him saying, "That is quite enough from you, I will not have you stand here and disparage my dead grandson." Everyone stood and applauded as she made her way to her seat.

Hermione saw that smirk on Severus face and noted to talk to him tonight about telling his grandmother he was still alive.

The rest of the afternoon passed uneventfully, Hermione was standing on the shore looking out over the lake when she felt a hand on her shoulder making her jump.

"Sorry." Severus said quietly as he stepped closer to her, "I didn’t mean to startle you."

"It's fine." She said as she leaned into him.

"How are you doing?" he asked her quietly.

"I don’t know, I miss Ron and the ministry turned this into a circus. I don’t think I'll ever attend another one."

"Minerva refuses to host this again, she was telling me that next year there would only be students, former students, members of the order, and staff in attendance. She's not happy about how this turned out."

"Can you blame her?"

"Not at all." Severus said running his hand down her arm to take her hand in his. "I'm going to have to be going, there is only about an hour left on this potion that I'm comfortable with."

"Have we been here that long already?" Hermione asked looking at her watch. "I'll go with you."

"Nonsense, stay and visit. I think Minerva would like to talk to you anyway."

"I'll walk you to the gate then."

As they were walking to the gate Hermione stopped looking at a spot just off the path, it was there that they found Ron. Tears came to her eyes unbidden, she missed him at times. He brought something to the friendship between Harry, herself and him that is lost forever. She felt Severus arms come around her from behind she turned to bury her face in his neck not able to look at that spot any longer.

She had no idea how long they stood like that but finally she pulled back saying, "Ron died there, or that is where we found him. Damn, I think I've cried enough for today, don’t you?"

She gave him a broken smile wiping at her face, he handed her a handkerchief saying, "Many were lost on both sides last year, gatherings such as this only bring them back as the day it happened."

"I know, I'm just sick of the crying. It seems that right after the battle there was no time, sometimes I wonder why it was him and not me." She looked toward the ground.

Severus made her look up at him before saying, "Don’t do that to yourself, you survived. Don’t be a guilty survivor."

"I'm trying."

"I know." He said leaning down kissing her forehead before pulling her along the path.

Once at the gate Hermione told him, "See you at home."

He kissed her cheek before turning on his heel and Disappariting home.

 

 

 

 


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not back from the beta yet... When it is, I will be updating.
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Several weeks passed, the sense of dread that had covered the house in the weeks leading up to the memorial lifted.

Severus thought about how this time last year he was lying in a bed in the den not even awake, how the few people who knew about his survival worked to make sure it stayed that way.

Draco seemed to be getting on better now, there were still moments that he seemed pensive about what happen, but Severus felt as if the young man was finally moving forward.

His worry was for Hermione, he knew that being here with her was keeping her from making a choice about her education. He knew that on the day of the memorial anniversary Minerva had offered Hermione an apprenticeship in potions. Minerva and him had spent several hours talking about the subject when she wanted to know which one to approach for potions and transfiguration.

Though Draco was good with potions, he knew the mechanics of the process. Severus had learned that Hermione could see outcomes of ingredients when added, she seemed to have a better handle on the art of the subject.

In the end Draco was offered an apprenticeship in transfiguration, a subject that he agreed with Minerva was by far his best. While Hermione was offered the potions apprenticeship.

Severus had hoped that the offer would excite Hermione about learning again, but she had said nothing of it even when he tried to coax the information out of her.

The thought came to him yesterday while he was in the lab, to get her to go back to school he was going to have to leave. The thought hit him like a blow to the stomach and he set on the stool at the bench, it was not something that he wanted to do. It would hurt her he knew, it might irrevocably damage their relationship. But he wanted to see her finish school, he didn’t want her to regret anything in life.

His breathing increased, was he really going to leave? The mere thought of it tightened his chest, no he really didn’t want to hurt her like that even if it was for her own good. He scrubbed his hands down his face burying the thought in the back of his mind.

He brought the subject of her NEWT's up again thinking enough time had passed only to be told that she had until August first to decide if she was going back or not. Then she left the room, leaving Severus alone to think about what was best to do.

Over the next week the idea of leaving took deeper root, if he went she would go back to school. She would finish her education, and not use him as an excuse to remain in the Muggle world. Then something popped into his mind, a small dream he had had in his teens that he hadn’t thought about in years. His mother had planted the idea since he could remember, she had married his father right out of school almost that she told him not to involve himself with a woman until he did what he wanted to do first. She had said that she always wanted to visit America and never got the chance. He had always told her that he would take her when he was finished with his education. That never happen as she died before he was finished with Hogwarts and then he joined the Death Eaters. Maybe now was the time to do such things.

He had set his resolve to distance himself from her as much as he could and to put things in order to leave. If she hadn’t made up her mind about school by mid July he was going to go.

A few days later a note came under the door of the lab and up to him.

_Can you come to my room please, I'd like to talk to you._

He knew Hermione was the only other person in the house so he checked to make sure everything in the lab was in order and climbed the stairs to her bedroom. He had hoped as he ascended the stairs that she was ready to talk about going to school, what he met when he opened the door drove almost every thought from his head except the most primal.

Sitting in the middle of her bed was Hermione wearing a corset of green and black, the image shot his desire up to top of the scale. Then she pointed to the chair at the foot of the bed saying,

"Have a seat?"

He walked slowly to the chair, all thoughts of putting distance between them forgotten. He never took his eyes off of her as he moved sitting in the chair.

"You took the potion today?" she asked. He didn’t have to ask which potion she was talking about, since the night he told her about his problems he had been honest about how it was progressing. But, at this moment all he could do was nod.

Once he was seated she waved her wand and a glass of firewhisky and a full decanter appeared on the table by the chair before she said,

"I enjoyed what took place a few months back, I want that closeness again. It's almost like a craving for it."

She moved so her legs were stretched out in front of her crossing them.

"It occurred to me that I trusted you that night to see something that was very personal."

He watched as she moved her hand to her neck.

"I have always been comfortable with my body."

He trailed her hand with his eyes as she moved hers lower slowly.

"I know men are more visual creatures and I am secure enough to show you what I want."

He was sure that he could show her things she never dreamed of, but he only watched as she cupped her breast with her hand.

"You see I know how to please myself, and I have done so on many occasions since that night."

He watched as her hand moved down her stomach.

"The problem is that sometimes it's not enough. No matter how Earth shattering the climax is when it's over I'm still in bed alone."

Her hand trailed across her curls onto her thigh, Severus picked up the glass taking a drink his mouth suddenly dry.

"It takes an overwhelming amount of trust to pleasure oneself in front of someone."

He watched her hand come back up her thigh, pausing a moment to part her lower lips before slipping her middle finger inside herself. He continued to watch as she drew her glistening finger up her body before sucking it into her mouth making him groan.

"Would you like me to continue?" she asked once she pulled her finger out of her mouth.

"Yes." He hissed, he very much wanted to see her masturbate for him.

He watched as she waved her wand over beside her revealing several items on the bed, she picked up the first one bringing it to in front of herself. He watched as she ran her tongue around a very real facsimile of a cock.

He heard her moan as she took it in sucking on the head then deeper wetting the whole thing while her other hand massaged her breast.

Her knees came up spreading her legs wider for him to see how wet she was, he reached out with his hand to rub her calf when she pulled the fake cock from her mouth saying, "No, no touching."

Severus gripped the arms of the chair so hard his knuckles turned white, he wanted to use his hands to help her bring herself pleasure she was so close to him.

He watched as she brought the dildo down to her very wet entrance then slowly she penetrated herself with it. Her head fell back as she moaned, finally when it was in her to the hilt she took her wand tapping the end of it before dropping the wand beside her, laying back on the bed and arching her back.

Severus licked his suddenly dry lips, this wanton display was more than he ever expected from her. He saw the cock moving in and out of her slowly, a fleeting thought of she must have charmed it crossed his mind before he heard her moan again bringing all of his attention to her.

"Can I touch you?" he finally asked.

"No." she answered.

He watched as she withered and moaned on the bed, arching her back in time with the movements of the dildo bringing her pleasure. It was all the most erotic thing he had seen and he was sure if he hadn’t taken the strongest impotence potion he could brew that he would be in a considerable amount of pain at the moment.

She had moved in her pleasure until her bottom was at the edge of the bed and her feet were trying to find purchase on the chair. He moved his hands so she put her feet on the arms of the chair before asking.

"Please Hermione, let me touch you." He was surprised by the words, she had him begging to touch her.

"Yes." She said and in the next moment his hands were on her inner thighs moving toward her rear. He dropped to his knees, he watched her from between her leg his hands lightly rubbing her thighs. He moved kissing one then the other, she gasped bucking her hips.

"I want to taste you." He said

"Yes!"

He ran his tongue around the dildo still moving slowly in and out of her, then he moved up to her clit giving it a flick with his tongue.

"Fuck!" she cried out as she bucked up into his mouth hard.

He wrapped his arm around her thigh and held her by her lower stomach before quickly pulling the dildo out making her whimper with its loss before two of his fingers replaced it curling them he quickly found that spongy spot of nerves before licking from his fingers to her clit making her buck again.

Her hand found his hair and she gripped a handful hard enough to cause pain, but he barley registered it as he was listening to her.

"Fuck, yes, yes, yes, yes."

A moment later she went completely still as he flattened his tongue and laved her clit making her scream.

"Fuck Merlin! Yes! Severus! Fuck!"

His name had never sounded so right as it did falling from her lips, he quickly picked up the dildo slowly penetrating her with it then moving it in and out of her quickly knowing that on the end of that climax  the second one would be more.

In moments she screamed his name again before her whole body went limp and she started to shake, he moved up on the bed with her pulling her up with him. He wrapped her in himself. Wrapping one leg around hers and both of his arms around her. He kissed the top of her head, she had opened herself to him, trusted him with this, made herself venerable to him. He would protect her with everything he was.

Sometime later she finally started moving, when she spoke her voice sounded horse from screaming.

"Too tight." She said and he loosened his hold on her some, but not fully. He moved his hand to her chin making her look up at him before saying,

"Hermione Granger you are a remarkable woman."

He watched as she blushed, "Well I don’t know, you're not so bad yourself." She snuggled closer to him before her breathing evened out.

Leaving this beautiful woman was the last thing on his mind.

 


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not back from the beta yet... When it is, I will be updating.
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Hermione had made up her mind and came up with a plan to return to sit her NEWT's and accept the apprenticeship. She decided to find out if it would work fully though so spoke to Minerva while Severus was in the lab.

"Would I have to stay at the castle all the time if I come back? I am an adult and I just don’t know if I can be around that much noise all the time anymore." Hermione asked as she set the tea pot on the table.

"You're not considering Appariting to and from here are you?" Minerva asked as she poured her tea. ****

"No, I am thinking about renting a house in Hogsmead." Hermione said smiling.

"As long as it doesn’t interfere with your work I would not have a problem with such an arrangement."

"For Draco too?" Hermione asked taking a sip of the hot liquid.

"No, you both will be turning twenty soon and I can see how after this last year it might be a hard on both of you to come back. I did intend to give you both private rooms though." She said sitting her cup down.

"That would be great, I'm not saying I would even go every night. I just kind of want a place that I can find peace and quiet at times."

"And of course that Severus can come visit also." Minerva said with a smirk.

"That too, I hate to think of leaving him alone here for that amount of time. This way if Draco needs him he can be close at hand."

Minerva smiled, she knew that something had changed in the last few months between Severus and Hermione but she wasn’t going to mention it even if she thought the change was for the better for both of them.

"Would you not mention this to Severus, I want it to be a surprise."

"Of course dear."

********

Severus asked Draco several times if he knew about Hermione's plans. Draco always answered with,

"I'm sure she will go back to school."

Draco was privy to the surprise Hermione was working on, she had talked to him about it at length. He had agreed that he didn’t like the thought of Severus being alone in this house for months before they would be home. So he agreed to keep the secret.

*******

Severus wasn’t so sure that Hermione would go back to school with him here, and though it tore at him, and made it hard to breath he finally made up his mind to go. He sat at the desk in his lab with parchment and quill intending to write her a letter.

After several false starts he finally had one that he felt would convey his feelings.

_Dearest Hermione,_

_This if the hardest thing I've ever had to put down on paper, you know I am a man that doesn’t give voice to his thoughts or feelings easily._

_I don’t just care for you, I love you. Somehow you, not the dream I had but you, have invaded my life, and my heart, and I want the best for you. You are a very bright intelligent woman, and I can see you doing anything you want in life. But, to do so you need your education to achieve that._

_I have asked a number of times for you not to take me into consideration when deciding on how you are going to spend the next few years. I now understand that you cannot. I would feel the same if I were in your place. So I am removing myself from your decision._

_I swear to you that I will return when you have settled into what you want out of your life. Remember I swore to you that I would wait until you were though with your education and I meant that. I told you, you are worth waiting for. I just hope I am._

_Remember that I love you,_

_Severus_

He changed his mind over the next several days, this really did feel like ripping his heart out. He found that if he thought about it for too long he couldn’t breathe.

He told no one of his plan, he gathered what he would need and waited.

When the day came that she and Draco said they were both going out and would be back in a few hours he knew it was the window he had been looking for. When she walked by him in the kitchen to go to the garden to Apparate he grabbed her arm pulling her to him.

He took her face in his hands and kissed her deeply, pouring all the love he felt for her, the longing that he knew he would feel once he was gone, every feeling he had toward her into this one moment when he finally broke the kiss pulling back she looked up at him with that questioning look, "What was that for? I'm only going to be gone for a few hours."

"I know, I just…. Wanted to." He finished lamely.

"Okay, I'll see you soon." Hemrione headed out the door.

Severus packed the rest of his things before laying the note on the table with a conjured rose that had every color in its peddles laying it on top of the note he went to her bedroom one last time. He didn’t want to go, but he was holding her back, this was the only way so he set his resolve and left the house.

********

Hermione was elated, they found a house to rent, and tonight they were going to tell Severus. She could return to school, and he wouldn’t be far away, if he needed her she would be there for him.

She had left Draco visiting with the owner of the quill shop when she came home, she was almost too excited to keep it to herself, but she wanted Draco to be here when they told Severus of what they had worked out.

She didn’t call his name when she came in the house, if he was in the lab he wouldn’t hear her anyway. Finally she made her way into the kitchen to the drawer that held the take out menus, it was a celebration tonight, and called for something other than a home cooked meal.

She turned to set them on the table when she saw the parchment and rose, she had no idea what the rose meant as it had every color of rose on it. She picked up the note and read it.

An hour later Draco came in to find her in the same place staring into nothing, he stood in the doorway for several minutes before he finally said, "Dreaming are you?"

Hermione never jumped, she didn’t want to feel anything least of all the broken pieces of her heart and soul that were there now. She stood walking to Draco with the note in her hand saying, "He left."

She tried to pass him but he held up an arm asking, "What? What do you mean left?" she handed him the note before trying to get around him again, she needed her room. She couldn’t allow herself to break down in front of Draco.

He touched her shoulder not saying anything, and that broke what was holding back the tears, she said,

"Oh God….. he left….. he left me."

She slid to the floor and Draco followed her, he wrapped his arms around her as she sobbed.

Draco had no idea how long they had set there but she finally said,

"I'm going to bed." He stood helping her up she mumbled a thank you before she went up the stairs and didn’t see her again for three days.

By the third day Draco was worried about her, he had never seen anyone so hurt or broken or devastated before. If he had any doubt at all that she cared for Severus it was erased the night she sat on the floor crying.

He finally contacted Potter not knowing what else to do.

"He what?" Potter yelled at first.

"Shut up, she'll hear you."

He handed the note over and knew the moment Potter became angry.

"Why that no good…" Potter trailed off going up stairs just as Hermione's bedroom door opened.

She passed Harry saying,

"Hello."

The next week she spent sitting at the window looking out over the garden, neither young man could get her to eat enough and Draco was sure she wasn’t sleeping much either.

She seemed to come out of it after a week but she was different, instead of the warm, kind person she had been she was cool, almost cold and hard.

They finally closed up the house and went to Hogwarts, she was still distant and it bothered Draco more than he would say.

********

Severus made it to America by the first of September, when he realized the date his mind automatically went to Hermione. Hell, he thought about her every day, she was the first thing on his mind when he woke in the morning and the last before he was asleep at night.

He never thought he would miss someone so much, and here he had thought that he had missed Lily. That was nothing compared to this pain and yet as before he did it to himself.

********

Severus started out walking, with no idea where he was going or why. After the first few weeks of his time in America he obtained a car to drive, and of course driving lessons.

He took temporary jobs doing anything, none of it matter he was just trying to find himself without the masters of his past.

When he came across a charm in a shop he knew the moment he saw it that he was going to buy it for Hermione. He knew her birthday was in a few days and he would send it to her along with a letter. He had vowed to have no contact with her during this time, but found that he couldn’t no more do that than walk on water.

He sat with paper and pen, no ink pots and quills here.

_My dearest Hermione,_

_I know that I've hurt you with my leaving, but you must understand why I took such measures. I don’t want to see you waste your life on me, you are such an intelligent creature you deserve so much more than the life of caring for others._

_If I'm honest I need to do some finding of myself also, most of my adult life has been into service of one master or another. I need to find how to live with my own rules._

_I would like for us to keep in contact, I would like to hear how your school year is going and your apprenticeship._

_Yours Always,_

_Severus_

Severus sent the letter before he thought twice about it.

*************

It was nineteen days into the term and her friends had brought presents to her at breakfast in the great hall. The great hall was very different than before, the house table were there at the welcoming feast but the next morning they were replaced by many round tables and students sat wherever they liked. Minerva said it was in the name of house unity, that on her watch she wanted to diminish house rivalries. Hermione couldn’t have agreed more with her.

She thanked and laughed with her friends over the gifts they gave her until an owl landed in front of her. For a moment she hoped that it was from Severus, but knew that it was more than likely from Harry who had taken to getting her gift cards.

When she opened the envelope and dumped out a charm she stared at it until Ginny said,

"That's beautiful."

She took the letter reading it before folding it back up she had to be out of here.

"Excuse me." She said moving her chair back with such force that it fell over before running out the door.

Ginny and Luna looked at Draco who said, "Call Winky to take her stuff to her room."

Draco found her on the bank of the lake, he said nothing as he stood beside her. Finally she spoke, "Like some fucking charm is going to make up for it."

He watched as she broke the charm bracelet that he had never seen off her wrist and throwing it into the lake.

Draco watched as her defenses came up solid, and she turned going back to the castle.

Once she was gone the giant squid brought the bracelet to the surface with a tentacle, Draco took it rubbing the tentacle in thanks before pocketing it and going back. He wasn’t going to let her get another charm and he detoured to the owlery.

Hermione had no intention of writing Severus back, he chose to go let him be alone.

Of course in the weeks that followed her conscience won out over her good sense and she took quill to parchment sending a scathing response to Severus.

_Mr. Snape,_

_Thank you for the unneeded charm as I no longer own the bracelet._

_As for you inquiry, my studies are going fine as is my apprenticeship._

_As it was you who left I have no idea what you hope to accomplish by writing, I think your first letter said it all pretty well._

_I wish you all the luck in finding what you need._

_Ms. Granger_

Hermione had wanted to add something about it not being her but chose to not give him the satisfaction.

*********

Severus had waited weeks for her reply, he had finally found a place that he felt comfortable in and chose to stay for a time. When her letter arrived he found that he was happy to see she responded. That was until he read it.

He sat at his small desk staring at the letter laying on it, he had known that leaving her the way he did was going to hurt her. He never expected this, scathing terse letter. If he was honest he had expected a letter that she wrote pouring all her hurt into, all the pain he brought upon her for leaving. He expected a letter written by a Gryffindor, what was laying on his desk could have been written by a Slytherin.

He pulled some paper and the pen over to in front of him, he really had no idea what he was going to write to her, but he needed to keep this line open to her.

_My Dearest Hermione,_

_I apologize for my gift being inappropriate, I did not know you no longer had the bracelet._

_I still find myself invested in your studies, I would appreciate to hear how they are progressing. I want to see you do well in anything you choose to do, though I know you will do well in whatever you do._

_I do know what I said in my letter, that does not mean that I don’t miss you. There are many times that I think it would be nice to share something with you._

_Yours Always,_

_Severus_

Hermione received the letter in the morning owl post, she recognized the writing, and slipped the letter in her pocket to read later. She was still very angry that he thought she wouldn’t continue school if he was in her life, he had no trust in her or even faith that she could make up her own mind in what she wanted, in what was right for her.

_Mr. Snape,_

_My studies are adequate, I'm still the insufferable know-it-all swot who knows all the answers, with her hand up in class not giving my peers a chance to answer. You should know all of this very well, you told me it enough._

_HG_

Severus wondered after he read her current letter if she would ever tell him more, of course he really didn’t expect more, at least he shouldn’t. He did leave, and really it might have seemed without warning or cause.

_My Dearest Hermione,_

_If you think your studies are only adequate, then maybe you should have a few different professors. I do hope Professor Slughorn is giving you more of a challenge in your apprenticeship, though I do know how he is also._

_I do wish you could see the place I've settled into for the time being, it is beautiful. It's a very small community on the shore of a river, with the river from my childhood being my only guide I assumed all were the same. Not so in this place, the side that I live on is low and very beautiful. Looking out across the river the other side is a large cliff._

_I still take my daily walks as we did, now though it's along what is called here the 'river walk'._

_Hermione, you are never far from my thoughts._

_Yours Always,_

_Severus_

Hermione found that she did like hearing about what he was doing, and that she still had those damn butterflies when he told her things like she was in his thoughts. Though she knew that she would ignore that when she wrote him, she'd never tell him that she thought of him a lot also. No, that gave him power over her, and if there was one thing that she learned after the second time was that all a man wanted was power over a woman. Learning that lesson twice had taught her to never give it again no matter how much she found herself loving or caring for someone.

_Mr. Snape,_

_There is no need to worry, I am achieving my goals. Is that not what you wanted to hear, as long as I achieve them at any cost._

_Professor Slughorn is teaching me the skills I need adequately._

_HG_

 


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter of A New Reality. All questions will be answered in the next story, yet to be named.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not back from the beta yet... When it is, I will be updating.
> 
> Disclaimer: Let's see, I own my nice shiny red car, this laptop and the thoughts in my mind. Just a second let me check, nope don't own it the brilliant JKR does I just borrowed her toys for a few moments and swear that I will return them in the same shape I found them..... well most of the time.

Severus had received Hermione's latest letter a few days before Christmas. By Christmas Eve Severus had called himself every name he could think of, he had wrote to her several times, and burned every letter. He didn’t want to be in her way, though she never told him that he was he felt as if he stood between her and life.

He found himself depressed, second guessing himself about his actions. He couldn’t bring himself to write her since her last letter. She never really answered anything personal save for her studies, he had tried to coax her into telling him more. His mind started drawing up scenarios in which he was quickly forgotten, and she had moved on to someone that was close to her age. He hated himself for leaving her like he did, and nothing seemed to sate him.

On Christmas Eve he returned to his small house with enough whisky so that he could forget last year. It was painful to think about how happy he had been then she had included his godson in their lives even though he knew Draco had been a little prick to her in the past.

He cast silencing charms around the house though he knew that there was no one close it still wouldn’t pay to have anyone hear him by accident, he poured himself a drink and set on the bed. He had stopped taking the importance potion when he left, the sadistic part of him told him that he deserved the pain of an erection for how he hurt her.

He gave up on the glass when memories of how last Christmas was spent and the gift she had given him, she had never asked him what he wanted she had just given. She gave him two gifts really, the lab that she created in her basement for him and allowing Draco to live there.

Almost a bottle down and memories of her on his lap on Valentine's Day assaulted him, he wasn’t going to carry it that far, but Merlin she wanted so little from him that he could do nothing but give her the release she needed. He remembered how she withered on his lap as she used his fingers to climax, how she tasted and smelled on his fingers after.

His next memories were the night she called him to her room to show him how she liked to be pleased. Without effort on her part she had him begging to touch her, how when she came she forgot the world and shivered from the force of it. How he wrapped himself around her to protect her.

He was a bastard, now he was lying in bed with a raging hard on from a mere few memories of her. He stood slipping out of his clothes before laying back down naked. He took his erection roughly in his hand, and it felt as if his cock was on fire. He didn’t care, he didn’t deserve better. He moved his hand up and down applying more pressure, causing more pain. Pain he understood, pain had been a constant in his life since a young age. He deserved this pain for all the pain he knew he caused her, he didn’t deserve to feel pleasure at her memory.

He had no idea when he started screaming but by the time he climaxed his voice was horse, and he was telling himself that this pain is what he deserved. He sure in the fuck didn’t deserve the bright and beautiful Hermione Granger, her kindness and big heart. No, he didn’t deserve that at all. He didn’t bother to clean himself before he passed out.

Severus spent the next three days drinking, and sleeping when he passed out. When he ran out of whisky finally he just slept until he had to go out in search of food.

It was well into the new year before he wrote her again, he couldn’t bring himself to do so after Christmas, though he was the one that brought it onto himself. He was ashamed of what he did, and more so that he used her in that way.

_My Dear Hermione,_

_How did your holidays pass? I hope you found them enjoyable as last years. Speaking of last year, would you be willing to pass on any information concerning my Godson?_

_Yours Always,_

_Severus_

Hermione stared at the letter for a long time before she finally decided to write back, she hated that he brought up their Christmas together. She had went home for the holidays, but then found that she couldn’t be in the house so she rented a room in a small town, spending her holidays drinking. Yes, it wasn’t the most shining moment of her life, but she had to have something to dull the pain she felt as his rejection of her.

_Mr. Snape,_

_I suggest if you would like to know the welfare of Draco, then you write to him and not I._

_HG_

Her reply had been a long time in coming for being such a short one, he had deluded himself into thinking that she was finally over being hurt by him to take such a long time to answer. He had considered writing to Draco to find out really what was going on with Hermione, but he was sure that he wouldn’t get a straight answer from the young man.

_My Hermione,_

_I know my Godson well enough to know that I will not get the truth out of him in a letter, he will side step issues and be a true Slytherin._

_How are your studies progressing? In a few short months your test will be upon you, are you preparing sufficiently for them?_

_I find myself wishing you were here to see these beautiful sights with me, the weather is starting to warm here and the snow that has seemed to be a constant since the end of November is finally starting to melt. I am told that the river will rise when the thaw is in its height._

_Yours Always,_

_Severus_

When Severus' letter arrived it was a few weeks before exams, she had no time to write, let alone think about him. She found that she liked that he wanted her with him, but that she'd never tell him so. No, when the man had the power they could hurt you. She would be indifferent at best with him, she ignored in her letters the personal things he add to his, and she would never tell him anything personal in hers.

Once her exams were finished, everyone was gone from the castle with a few exceptions, and she had a list of things from Professor Slughorn that she was to brew, and essays she was to write over the summer while he was gone, she was pretty much going to be teaching herself in her apprenticeship. She knew that if she needed help Severus would answer her questions, but she was loathed to ask him.

_Mr. Snape,_

_My studies are fine, I am on my own until mid-August when Professor Slughorn returns. But as you have seen to tell me many times I'm a know-it-all and I'm sure I will be able to find my way._

_Your Godson is fine, he is away at the moment studying with a Transfiguration Master in Ireland for a month._

_I have new quarters in the castle, by the potions classroom though I had to do some extensive redecorating in them, they now suite me well._

_HG_

Severus was happy to see that his Godson was doing well. He also knew that Slughorn would leave Hermione to figure things out on her own, his need to be admired for the people he knew. He also knew the rooms she referred to were his, and she 'stabbed' him so to speak at the mention of them and what she had done to them.

_My Hermione,_

_I will offer to answer any questions you may have, in helping you with your apprenticeship. I am well aware of how Slughorn is, and was surprised that Minerva wanted you to apprentice under him. Do you know what your final project will be?_

_I am happy to hear Draco is doing well, I know Master Branham well she will teach Draco much in the month he is there._

_If you take the third book on the fourth shelf in the third set of bookshelves out, you will find more than you ever thought._

_Yours Always,_

_Severus_

Hermione was surprised that he was giving up his secrets so to speak, she sat down to start writing to him when an owl came into the room landing on her desk. Taking the letter from the unfamiliar owl she gave it a treat before saying to the poor tired thing,

"If you go to the owerly Hagrid will take care of you right."

The owl left the room as Hermione opened the letter, a photo fell from it to her lap, looking at the end of the letter she found that it was from her mother.

*********

_Sweetheart,_

_I have wanted to write to you since you came, and restored our memories. This has been my first chance, Jacob is gone to a dental convection for a couple of days. I know he would have a fit if he caught me writing to you._

_Love, there are some things that you must know. I had planned to tell you when you were finished with your schooling, the only reason that what I'm about to tell you was kept from you was on my parents and Jacob's orders. They decided what was best, and I had to go along with it. Of course once you were out of school, and the house you wouldn’t need to rely on Jacob for your support, and that was why I wanted to wait to tell you this._

_I wish I was able to do this in person, it would be so much better than in a letter. I don’t have that option, and this is something that you need to know. Though it's going to change your life, I just wish I knew if it would be for the better._

_Jacob is not you biological father. Once you've allowed that fact to sink in come back, and read the story that follows._

Hermione let the letter fall to the floor, her father wasn’t really her father. Well, he was the man who raised her, but he wasn’t the man who…this was all such a… Hermione took out of her room, she needed time to digest what she had just read.

She found herself standing at the shore of the lake staring out over the water, in a way it made a lot of thing make sense to her now. His attitude toward her, always demanding better. Then there was the doctor appointments every year once she would return, her mum had told her that it was because she had started her cycle, and that when that event took place you had to have yearly check-ups. Of course she found out the real reason for them, they were to make sure she was still a virgin. She had figured that little bit out before her sixth year, after she met Christian. She had already had her appointment that year, the next year she put off the appointment until she didn’t have to go.

She sat on her sofa with her feet curled under her as she finished the letter.

_Now the story of my past._

_I went to university at almost eighteen, you know if you've picked up my hints that I went so far away to have distance between your grandparents and myself. I met a young man within the first few weeks of school, he was very charming. I was still scared by my parents high expectations of me, and the threats that I had received of my conduct._

_His name was Art, though I don’t really think that had been his name. I guess that doesn’t matter, he was sweet, nice, and paid attention to me. It was quite different than the way I had grown up, and I found myself quite taken with him. Do not for one minute think that I just jumped into bed with him either, he never forced the point with me. He was just there, and I believed him when he told me that he loved me. No, I do not think he was lying, or playing a game to sleep with me. There were times when I would catch this look on his face that just…it convinced me that something was terrible in his life, something he wanted to change. That he wanted to do this because of me._

_Yes, after months of dating, and seeing one another we did finally take that step. No I do not regret ever being with him in that way. A few months after our relationship changed that way I found out I was pregnant with you. I told him right away, we didn’t keep secrets like that from one another. The next day he came to my flat with flowers for me, and a necklace._

_He told me that there was something he needed to do, but he wouldn’t say what it was. He would be gone for a time, but that there were dangers out there that I had no idea about, and that he was going to take steps to make the world safe for you._

_A few days later when he came around he told me that he set some things up for you, just in case he didn’t make it back to us. He left me the information on where to find what he wanted you to have, and that was the last time I ever saw him._

_If you go to the house, in the basement by my old stereo the fourth brick over twelfth from the bottom is loose, take it out. Behind there you will find all the information that you should need to find your inheritance from him._

_I knew something was different about him, I never realized just what it was until we were told you were a witch. The Statute of Secrecy made it clear to me that he was a wizard, and after what you told me of this Voldemort I am certain that is who he wanted to protect you from._

_I need to go for now, I don’t want Jacob to find out about this. He is never kind about your real father, and demanded that you never be told._

_I will right later to tell you how I ended up marrying Jacob._

_Love,_

_Mum_

Hermione had no idea what to think about this revelation in her life, could it really be true? It wasn’t that she thought her mother was lying to her, but to find that out that who you thought was your father wasn’t, then to find out that your real father might be a wizard.

She stood putting her shoes on, she had to get to the house, and find that information. Maybe something would tell her who her father was.

Severus noticed the change in the tone of this last letter he received, it seemed to change in the middle. He wondered what happen, what was going on in her life to make the tone of her letter change so dramatically.

He didn’t think if he asked she would tell him, he felt as if he had lost that privilege to know anything personal about her. She answered his questions, told him that she wouldn’t be put into a position where she would owe him for anything, so she would figure out her studies on her own.

It wasn’t that he wasn’t expecting some kind of response as such, but something was different about the overall letter.

He continued to write to her, he wrote about what he was seeing in his travels, and she would ignore them all. He would tell her how much he missed her, she never returned an answer in kind. He had known that she would be upset with him for leaving. Hell, he couldn’t blame her for being upset with him, and felt lucky that she gave him what she did. She could choose to ignore all letters he wrote to her, but she answered each of them. Though at times the most she wrote was one or two lines, it didn’t matter, she was still writing.

TO BE CONTUINED

 


End file.
